My Dearest Catherine

My Dearest Catherine,

All you do is fucking cry. I don't care that you are a baby and "that's what babies do." You come home from daycare and you cry. I nurse you, and when you're done, and warm, and sleepy and I put you down in your bassinet, you cry. When I soothe you with a pacifier, the very thing I did not want to happen, you fall back asleep, only to wake up to cry.

I can't tell you the amount of times that I have stubbed my toe, hit my shin, rammed my shoulder into the door jamb, all while rushing to your room in the middle of the night because you are crying. Or the amount of tears that have fallen over your tears, your wailing, or your incessant moaning that is more like nails on a chalkboard.

I have said horrible things while you are in the middle of one of your fits and my anxiety is making my skin crawl. I have fallen asleep after nursing you, only to wake up crying myself, frustrated that no matter what I do, it isn't the one thing that you apparently need.

And then I find that one thing that does work. Praise the Lord! Only to find that not even 24 hours later, it doesn't work. In fact  it feels like I am running through a list, and each thing on that list I can only use once, and then you are immune and I have to move on to the next. But the tricks on the list are becoming more and more sparse and again, my anxiety wratchets up a notch knowing there isn't much more I can do for you.

Tonight, after nursing you and putting you down, where you fell asleep within minutes, you woke up crying. I vowed tonight I would let you cry it out.

And that's when the panic attack hit. I have not experienced a panic attack in a few years. It was a pretty low moment, as I thought that part of my life was over with. Only for it to come roaring back tonight, while I was sitting on my couch, watching my son throw a ball in the house and my husband answer emails on his phone.

While the mess of my house began to suffocate me. Luckily, I identified it and once again, trudged upstairs and comforted you. Once again, I stuck a boob in your moith, followed by a pacifier when you wouldn't eat. And then I rocked you. And sung to you.

And cried.

I am so. fucking. tired.

Everyone tells me this is a phase. This too shall pass. Hang in there. My baby did this too. He/She grew out of it.

But they aren't in the trenches anymore. They aren't frustrated and sad and tired and hungry for some time to just relax.

But then there are those moments when you are sweet and lovable and that reminds me there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes I have to squint to see that light, but its there.

It's there. Somewhere.

I love you, Baby Girl. But holy shit are you exhausting.

Mama

Battle of the Body Image: Week 20

Here I am, Week 20 postpartum and although I have lost the bulge, the hips don't lie. I hate them.

I hate that my boobs are too big for most of my shirts. I hate that although my jeans button, my love handles stick out. I hate that my nursing bras cut into my back fat. I hate that my tummy flops over said jeans-that-button. I hate that all my dress pants, for some reason, don't button. Or zip all the way. I hate that I still walk weird because said hips-that-dont-lie are loosy-goosey. I feel unstable on my feet. I think I look tired 99% of the time, probably because I am. I am not as well put together as I could be, because it's either put my shit together or sleep for another half hour. I will take sleep, hands down.

I hate the postpartum body. I hate the postpartum period. I hate the postpartum. Period.

I can't be happy with the 156.4 I saw on the scale this morning because although I weigh less than I did when I fit into those dress-pants-that-dont-button, I don't fit into those dress pants that don't button. Its frustrating.

Each day, I wake up with an idea of what I'd like to wear. And every outfit gets changed because I don't like how I look in it, even though its a skirt I have had since I was a sophomore, or a shirt that has been a staple in my wardrobe for years. That is also frustrating.

I have learned to throw together outfits quickly, cover them with my jean jacket or a sweater and feel halfway decent. But until I can see me how my husband sees me, I will continue to look like a tired, strung out mom with two kids, two years apart.

Hips don't lie.

Baby (Food) Maker

When I got pregnant with James, all I heard was how expensive babies are. Don't get me wrong, they can be expensive, but I am proud to say that for our family, babies aren't really that expensive.

Since we made babies later than our friend
made babies, we were able to get plenty of things handed down to us. As in, toys upon toys upon toys. Some toys were ones we had given to their children for birthdays. Pretty funny...

We tried cloth diapering, but we weren't very good at it. I thought I would try to bring it back with Catherine, but I had so many leftover diapers from James (despite an expiration date on diaper boxes, I can assure you they don't expire) that it just seemed natural to try and get rid of those first. So, that's what we did. And we have yet to break out the cloth diapers.

We had a lot of hand-me-down clothes from friends, relatives and neighbors that had barely been worn or still had the tags on it. Don't get me wrong, I still buy James clothes, especially now that he is getting bigger and he outgrows clothes so fast. But we haven't really had to buy too much for our kids.

Lastly, when James was about 4 months, we started him on rice cereal. We gradually worked up to solids and when I saw how much jars of baby food cost, I was not about to do that. I had read about making your own baby food, and decided I wanted to at least try.

Eric bought me a Baby Bullet with all the accessories, and I made baby food for James. Tonight, I made pureed pears for Catherine, using the ripe pears we picked off our pear tree this weekend.

Just call me a regular pioneer woman.

With two pears, I made two weeks worth of dinner for Catherine. Just dinner because otherwise, she still gets breast milk. To get two weeks worth of dinner in baby food jars, I would have had to spend upwards of $1.50 per meal, multiplied by 14. That's $21. No thanks!! Kind of like our $50 formula that would last us a week. I don't think I will be doing that when I could do it for next to nothing.

So there you have it. It took me 26 minutes to steam the pears (put in device with water and push start), a minute to mix them in the baby bullet, and a couple minutes to put them in ice cube trays. After they freeze, I just have to put the cubes in a freezer bag and tadaa! Baby food for a couple weeks. If I have to hardly work over paying money for baby food, I will choose the work. The best thing I like about it is I know exactly what is going into her food. I am not an organic freak by any means, but when it comes to my babies, I am concerned with what goes in their bodies.

Now, stay tuned for how those pears work for Catherine's digestive tract... Another blog post for another time!

Walking on Sunshine

Before I begin this post, I want to say that on this day, Wednesday, October 8, I am not at work. Because Friday night, Catherine hardly slept. Saturday, Catherine took about an hour and a half nap. Eric and I got in late Saturday night and Sunday was the same with Catherine, with James also still getting up at 7:30. The plan was for Eric's mom to take James and Eric out to brunch so Catherine I could get some sleep, since we had been up since 5:30, no dice. She cried for 2 1/2 hours while they were out and about. When they arrived back about 1:00, I was in tears. Sunday night was a lot of crying from Catherine and a ton of crankiness from an overtired little boy. Sunday night was filled with fitful sleep, getting up several times with Catherine, who didn't seem to stop crying. EVER. Monday night was worse, since we figured out all the lack of sleep was thanks to constipation. Monday night was The Night of Marathon Pooping. Finally by 9:00, both she and I were exhausted. I passed out about 10, only to wake 5 hours later to a crying baby. I passed the buck to Eric since I was going to be gone all day and all night at an honor choir Tuesday. I got home last night and could barely keep my eyes open. This morning was the same. Up from 3 a.m. to 5 a.m. I was going to try and power through my day today after my secondary wake-up time at 6:15, but I began to cry. I am so. Fucking. Tired. And I knew I was going to be nothing for my students today, nor for my kids after I exhausted myself at school. If there is one thing I have learned in life, it's that I need to take care of number one. So that's what I am doing. Getting some much needed sleep, and relaxing. Last week, my milk supply plummeted, and I was having to pump 5 times a day just to get enough for two 5 oz. bottles at daycare. Yesterday and Monday were much of the same. Today? I just pumped 7 oz. in my first pump of the day. I'd say that's quite a bit more than the 3 oz. I was pumping in my first pump at school!

So I woke up, pumped, and am laying in bed, actually relaxed. I am still exhausted and ready to go back to sleep, but for now, I am enjoying my day with no screaming baby and no toddler trying to cast spells on me.

In relaxing, I read my cousins blog. She was nominated for the sunshine award and I really liked the questions she came up with. I will be honest, I miss filling out my weekly pregnancy survey, so these questions were right up my alley!

1. For purely selfish reasons, what is your favorite go-to dinner dish? I've long since run out of new, easy, good recipes, and looking to add to our weekly staple rotation!

Well, look no further! My go-to dish is fucking pizzzzaaaaaaa! The kind that I don't have to make. Doesn't really matter from where.

2. When someone asks for a book recommendation, what is the one book you always suggest?

Books? I haven't read since before Catherine was born. Ugh. I have a friend who wrote and published a book that I would like to read, but haven't gotten around to it.

3. Name a talent you have that others probably don't know about.

Wow. Maybe I should have thought about this a little more before I started answering questions.

4. Sunsets or sunrises? 

Sunrises! They signal the start of a beautiful day.

5. The best way to unwind after a long day is…

Playing with my kiddos, no joke. Sometimes my kids are the reason I had a long day, but in all seriousness, there is just something about being silly with my kiddos that relieves a lot of stress. I love chasing James around the house. Or throwing a ball around with him - and yes, we do throw balls in this house. I am not going to trade my beautiful Mikasa vase we got for our wedding for a lifetime of childhood silliness a little boy's mama!

6. Any guilty pleasures?

Since I can't have dairy, soy or egg, I have, in fact discovered Lays potato chips. Made with Corn oil, they are on the "yes" list and I buy the Party Size every time I go grocery shopping. I haven't eaten them in years, but damn are they good!

7. What is a character trait you hope people associate with you?

Integrity. It's so important to me that I do what I say I am going to do.

8. Favorite words to live by? 

The homily at our wedding was simply a quote by Winston Churchill, which was, "Never give up. Never, never, never give up." I look back on that quote about every day. Especially during some really dark times in my life and marriage.

9. If you could go to dinner with any one person (alive or deceased) who would it be, and what are two questions you would be sure to ask them?

My dad. And I would only ask him one, which has plagued me since he died. "On the day that you died, did you have a good day?" For some reason it's so important to me to know if he was able to have a few laughs, that he was wearing a smile on his face, that he had a good talk and jokes with his friends. And that question might lead to more, but that's the number one thing I will ask him when I see him again.

10. The last concert you attended that you insist others must see, too.

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Or Slipknot. Or Green Day. I loved Tool and Weezer too. This is probably a bad question - I have seen way too many bands in concert. Incubus was excellent as well. Blues Traveler!

11. Your favorite blog post - be it yours, or a post written by someone else.

Either the one about PTSD, where I finally laid it out on the table and talked about my bright orange post-it notes, or what was really going on in my head. Or the one about misdialing my dad's old cell phone. Selfish, since they are both mine, but to write both those out and see the hold I was able to release on my mind told me I was finally healing.

I hope all that read this go on and have a happy, sunshiney day!

Debt-Free Update: Debt Free No More

When we were just married, Eric bought a truck outright from a private seller. It was a beauty. A Ford F-150 Lariat Supercab, white, with a hood scoop, rumble muffler and an amp that would make a 16-year-old boy jump for joy. Not to mention my husband. It had a cattle pusher on the front, oversize off-road tires and was obviously well taken care of. We lucked out, got it for a great price, and have driven it ever since.

But it was getting old. 174,000 miles, and rust was beginning to show. It was getting to the point where we needed to sell it to get anything out of it. The great thing with trucks is that they hold their value really well - especially American-made trucks. Some of the truck we saw while searching for his "new toy" were $15,000 and they had the same amount of miles on it. Unfortunately, that was not ours. Kelly Blue Book had Eric's truck priced at $6,000, in fair condition, which we would say it was more in good condition than anything. No dents, a little spot of rust here and there, and overall, a well-maintained truck. But like I said, it was time.

So we posted Eric's truck on Craigslist and waited. Had a few bites, but no one came to look at it. So we dropped the price from $5500 to $4500. We would have been happy with $4000. But again, no one took the bait.

As we waited for Eric's truck to sell, we researched trucks online. And looked at car dealerships. We took Sunday drives as a family to check out local dealers and dealerships. For two months, we searched for the "perfect" truck that would fit Eric's needs. Leather, so it was easy to maintain and upkeep when he was dusty from a day at the job site. Some, but not all, bells and whistles, so that it would hold it's value even more, for even longer. Four wheel drive, since he hauls a trailer. Supercrew cab, since we need to haul two kids in car seats. White to match his trailer, and easy to keep clean. Each one of those things drove up the price.

During our search, it was decided that we might not be able to put money down on a truck without overextending ourselves. We pay $1100 a month in daycare alone, with a $900 mortgage. We didn't want a $500 a month truck payment. So I went to the bank. Being debt-free has it's advantages, and we rang in at 2.3% interest, the lowest we could find.

So we searched some more. We finally decided on a truck and went to test drive it one day while our kids were at daycare and I was about to start school. It was good, and we liked it. Came with all the bells and whistles we were interested in, plus a DVD screen and two wireless headphones in the back. It was older, and had some miles on it, but like I said, trucks hold their value a lot longer than cars and SUV's, so we were ok with it.

But the experience was a pretty poor one. Negotiations were made in the lobby of the dealership. They were only going to take Eric's truck at $2500 and they refused to come down in price on the truck we were looking at. So Eric and I walked.

But we kept coming back to that truck. This past Sunday, we took another family outing to look at it again. For some reason it was unlocked, and we sat in the cab. I didn't like it. Something just didn't feel right.

Due to a long-time teacher in our district passing away, school was dismissed early on Monday. I didn't know the teacher, so I came home and Eric and I talked about our truck options. For two months, it seemed like that's what we've been doing. We were getting tired and starting to talk in circles. So we took one last look at autotrader.com, and saw a truck that was newly listed at a dealership 40 miles away. There was only one picture shown, but it was white, supercrew cab, Lariat, leather interior, and exactly what we had been looking for. It was slightly more expensive, but it was worth a look.

So we drove to the dealership, only to find that the truck was out being detailed. Luckily, Pam, our salesperson, was incredibly kind and offered to drive us to the detailer, which was only a short drive, to take a look at the truck. When we pulled up, we were interested. Very interested. It was obviously a well-maintained truck and we were anxious to get a look inside. The same there too - very well maintained.

Pam allowed us to take it for a test drive, and that was it. Eric and I were sold. But we were worried what they would allow for trade-in. In those two months of no bites, we had started to reluctantly accept that no one wants to buy a 15 year old truck. Even with a clean title, and it being well maintained, the person that bought it would be a needle in a haystack and with winter coming, we knew it was only a matter of time where something happened with the truck, and we would be putting more money in than what it was worth.

Long story short, they came back with $3000 on the trade-in. Aggressively, I came back with $4000. She came back with $3500. I told her $4000 and the truck was sold. And sold it was.

So with our down payment and trade-in, we didn't have to take out a huge loan. It's a doable loan, with four years of payments on it. But, we took out a loan with a payment knowing that I can, and will, pay ahead on it, so hopefully it's done in three. Eric is happy as a lark, and just said to me, "I think I'm going to sleep outside in my new truck..."

It's a nice looking truck, with a few minor dings, scratches, and chips that come with buying a used vehicle. But it's nice, and we love it.

Debt-free works sometimes, and sometimes, it doesn't. For us, it wasn't feasible to pay cash for a truck. Like Eric has said several times, he can't be pulling up to half-million dollar houses in a rust-bucket. The truck he has now is modest, but looks good. He can be proud when he pulls up to his client's houses in it.

Although our goal has been to maintain our debt-free status, it's also a goal of ours not to get into a situation where we are forking out money left and right to maintain a vehicle that isn't worth it. We were on the cusp of that, and we didn't want to risk it. So we're happy, and even though Dave Ramsey would be disappointed, we did what was right for us, and right for Eric's business. We deliberated a long time, talked abut it for a long time, and made the best decision for us. And that's all that matters. :)

Our Little Family: An Update

Breastfeeding: Four months in, and we're still going strong. I'm not a cow, like some women tend to be when they breastfeed this long, but I'm able to consistently produce enough. My lactation consultant told me that Catherine should not need any more than 4 ounces per feeding while at daycare, so that's what Christy was giving her, twice a day. Finally, Christy mentioned that maybe we should up it to 5 ounces, which stressed me out. I was only producing 10 ounces, which would mean there would be nothing left over for me to freeze at the end of the week, or for Christy to use in case Catherine had a sudden growth spurt. But we upped it to 10 ounces, and I've been keeping up. I am part of a breastfeeding support group on Facebook, and several times, mothers will post something about "low milk supply" because they're not producing more than what their baby eats. Well, duh (and I can say that now that I finally understand breastfeeding, thanks to many support groups, lactation consultants, phone calls to the hospital, and reading a shit-ton of books on it. Oh, and let's not forget, googling the shit out of it). Your body is only going to produce what your baby eats. The other day at Catherine's four-month appointment (where she weighed a whopping 12 pounds, 3 ounces... 4.5 pounds less than James at four months!) the doctor showed some concern regarding her weight, but not much considering she is still gaining steadily. Luckily, her appointment was during the time she typically nurses, so I was able to breastfeed and weigh her. She ate 6 ounces. Multiply that by 5, and she's eating anywhere from 25-30 ounces a day. That's more than the lactation consultant recommends, but she's a hungry girl, I guess! Luckily, I'm able to produce that much, and I'm fortunate to have a job that allows me to pump 3 times a day in order to provide for my child. I am also excited that I am no longer in the panicky stage of breastfeeding. I am in the smooth-sailing stage, where now all I need to do is nurse Catherine when she needs/wants it. From here on out, my milk supply will begin to taper off, and then diminish as we start adding more and more solids to her diet. Crazy to think that this is the peak season, so to speak. But I'm thankful it's going well, and I am so grateful to all the people who have helped along the way. Oh yeah, and for Google too. Thank God.

Battle of the Bulge: The Battle of the Bulge has been won, but the Battle of the Body Image is on-going. To the point where we got our family photos back, and I cried to Eric because I felt like I looked terrible. My hips were too wide, I have love-handles, my thighs touch together. Oh, and let's not forget, I just had a baby, so even though I'm below pre-preggo weight, I'm still "misshapen." And who knows if I'll ever get back to the body I had before. So just today, I was looking at the pictures, and I tried to look at them from my husband's point of view, a guy who tells me nearly every day how beautiful I am to him. I used to hate it when he would say things like that to me. But after trying to be a better wife, I have realized I am very lucky to have a husband who still thinks that about me, two kids and 10 years later. I'm not the 19-year-old he fell for anymore, in more ways than one. He loves me for who I am; big hips, loud demeanor and quick mood swings! So maybe I need to start looking at how I see myself. Instead of seeing love handles that stick out in a weird way, maybe I need to start looking at the fact that I haven't been this weight, or looked this good, in over three years. I love my long hair, which is weird because I've always wanted to keep it short for easy maintenance. No, long hair is easy maintenance! I think my eyes are really pretty. For not working out and just having a baby, my stomach is surprisingly flat. I have good looking legs. And all in all, for the most part, I feel good about myself. It's just hard not to see photos and zero in on those things that aren't "perfect," especially for a perfectionist like me!

The Daily Poop Scoop (and Sleep Update): Catherine had some poop issues earlier in life, and it seems as though they are still plaguing her. On Monday night, she became fussy about 6:30 and by 7:00 was scream-crying to the point where my anxiety was going to cause me to crawl out of my skin. I finally gave her a bath and while she settled and sat, soothed from the warm water, I realized she hadn't had a bowel movement all day. When I really thought about it, she hadn't had a bowel movement all weekend. That was three and a half days without poop. No wonder she was fussy. So I did what any good mom would do - wet a wash cloth and tried to stimulate her rectum. Never thought there would be a day where I could add that to my resume of amazing things I've done in this lifetime. But there you had it, and that's all it took. She started pooping... and straining to poop, then pooping again. I took paper towel after paper towel to catch it when it would come out so it wouldn't get in the water and make it nasty. It was a dirty job, but Eric was getting James, who had been puking all weekend and into Monday, ready for bed, so I was on my own. Following the poop-scapade, I put Catherine to my breast to nurse and she fell instantly asleep. My milk didn't even let down (which led to some crazy-full boobs the next morning!) And she slept all night. So that's where the sleep  issues come in. Once she sleeps, this girl sleeps. But it takes her so much to get to sleep. It's the most grating, anxiety-inducing two hours of my life. So last night, I just let go of my anxiety (who knew it would be so easy?) and decided that I was going to let her cry it out. After 20 minutes of screaming, it was apparent she was NOT going to sleep. So I nursed her, which she did NOT want. Then I tried baby massage. I have never massaged a baby in my life, nor have I ever taken any special massage class. I just rubbed her little legs and funny enough, when I got to her hips/butt cheeks, that's when she calmed down. Again, not something I thought I would be able to add to my resume in this lifetime, but there you have it. Professional Butt Massager. Once she calmed down enough, I put her in her bassinet (she's still small enough that we just use her bassinet). And boom. Immediate scream-crying started all over again. Luckily my nerves were that tired that I was able to walk away and let her cry it out for the 15 minutes it took her to eventually fall asleep. She did end up waking up last night, for the first time in ages, but she soothed herself back to sleep. Tonight, I put her to bed at 5:30, an hour and a half before she normally falls asleep. She talked to herself for about 15 minutes and then I heard nothing on the monitor. When i checked on her, she was fast asleep, and stayed that way. When I woke her up to change her diaper and dream feed her, she was asleep by the time my milk let down (but thankfully because of intelligent design, she continues to suck and thus still gets full. Beautiful!). I put her in her bassinet and she's been sleeping ever since. Hopefully, this sleep pattern continues!

Speech Regression: A few weeks back, I blogged about James' speech regression. The progress he has made has been amazing. He talks so frequently now! He needs to work on his diction a bit for better understanding by strangers, but to us, he talks much clearer than he ever has. Tonight, I asked him if he had to pee, and he said, "Uh-uh. No pee, mama, no pee." So adorable! I'm so thankful we're heading in the right direction. It's awesome to hear all the new words he knows! And somewhere in between that post and this one, he learned his alphabet (upper and lower case) and his numbers up until 10. What? One day we were watching Super Why (God bless PBS) and boom - he pointed out and said all the letters that popped up on the screen. Holy crap! It is awesome as he is so proud. He is starting to spell short words, like "B-O-B, Bob!" for Bob the Builder, and things like that, which is much faster than I would have anticipated. So even though he doesn't totally communicate how we'd like him to, the kid can spell for God's sake. We've got to take what we can get.

Illnesses: Dear God, help us. Last week, I was sick with a cold and fever. I've also been blessed with viral-induced asthma, which doesn't allow me to properly cough anything up, so bacteria just sits in my lungs and manifests into something worse. Normally, every year, I end up with walking pneumonia or something. But this time, at Catherine's four month appointment, I mentioned it and the doctor gave me a steroid inhaler to use every morning and night, and another one for "attacks." I can tell a difference already, which is amazing. I wish I would have figured this out aBeingbout 5 years ago!! Hopefully this year, I don't get sick! However, once I got over my fever, James got the flu. The nasty diarrhea/vomiting flu. It was horrible! Following that, today Christy called us to come get him because he had a fever! Seriously? It's not even October yet, so I'm dreading the winter. Hopefully, this is the worst of it? Yeah right....

Being a Better Wife: My mother is an incredibly critical person, I an inherited that trait ten-fold. I am a perfectionist and I expect people who I surround myself with to be perfect as well. Only, I expect them to be perfect the way I want them to be perfect. So instead of being critical, I've tried really hard to look at the positive things. Instead of the fact that Eric has the garage so full of shit that I can't even walk through to find anything, I am trying to concentrate on the fact that the reason it's full of shit is because of all the work he's doing on other people's houses, which brings in money that allows us to live the way we live. Things like that. I told him tonight that I feel like I'm in a much better mood most of the time now that I'm not wasting energy hating the things he does. I have to admit, he does a lot, he works hard, and he's a great dad. So... we'll see how long this Positive Polly charade keeps up. I'm trying really hard, which is good.


So there you have it. There are so many things I've been wanting to blog about, I thought I'd just put them all in one post rather than several other posts. Who posts 5 things in one day, any way? Seriously? And, let's face it, very few people, if any, read this blog. It's really for me to chronicle this life as I live, and love, it.

Let's hope for a good night's sleep... :)

4 Months!

How is it that you are 4 months??? Even more so, how is it that you are 4 month and weigh 12 pounds sopping wet?

Actually, I don't know if you are at 12 pounds or not. At the last breastfeeding support group I went to, you weighed 11 pounds, 7 ounces. Hopefully in two weeks you have broken into the 12 pound range.

And since you are four months old, shouldn't you have a schedule? Seriously? But you don't. Not even close. Every night its a toss-up. The last few nights you have been falling asleep after you "after-daycare" feeding that ranges anywhere from right at 4:00 to almost 6:00. So you eat at 5:30 and then fall asleep until 9:00 p.m. Then I dreamfeed you and you're out until you wake in the morning. Which is anywhere from 5:00-7:00 a.m. At daycare, you typically eat at 10 because even if I nurse you at 5:00 a.m., I will feed you again before I walk out the door. Then you eat anywhere from 1:00-3:00 in the afternoon. Sometimes you take a long nap, sometimes a short one. I will be the first to say it's annoying as hell! :) But the fact that you are always ready with that big, beautiful, gummy smile makes it all worth it! I can't wait until you are finally on a damn schedule though!

You are on the verge of rolling over. I can't wait! Its so cute to see you try so hard! You love your tummy time as that's about all you spend your time doing - trying your hardest to roll over! You also love faces, making faces with me, and simply being held. And no worries there, we love holding you!!

You are still breastfeeding and while at work I have been able to keep up. Its nerve wracking at times, but at the end of the week, Christy always hands me extra, so I know we are getting enough out - thank God. Breastfeeding is the harder thing I have done, but it's worth it!

James adores you and frequently delays bedtime so he can love on you a little bit. You love laying on the floor and watching him run around, which can be a little scary when he gets to close to where you're laying! I can't wait until you're a little older and you can run with him.

I love you little girl. Your tiny hands, nose, wars, and giant head (just like daddy). You are everything I ever dreamed!