I'm doing ok, but not great. I'm not terrible either. I'm simply middle of the road. Some days I'm numb, some days I'm really angry and some days I feel like I'll be ok. There are several milliseconds of my life that I question my emotional stability, but I try to stay busy so they don't add up to minutes and hours and days and months wondering when I will be ok. One day at a time, right?
I miss you. More than anything in the world. If I had to give up seeing the sun, smelling fresh cut grass and feeling the breeze on my face to see you one more time, laughing like you always did, I would. Even if it were a millisecond.
I try to keep mom in good spirits, but I feel like I'm faking it. I always seem to succeed in cheering her up with something, but how is it that I can cheer her up and I can't even do it for myself? I can always share some words of wisdom, but I can't seem to follow the path of that wisdom. I am able to laugh on the phone with her, but I can't seem to laugh on my own. Why is that?
Mom emailed me at work the other day telling me how she'd had a bad couple of weeks - although I already knew that threw the thousands of conversations we have. I had to put my head on my desk and breathe, cry and recuperate before someone walked into my office. It hurt, I was sad, it brought a lot of things back.
Why do I have to be the one to comfort her all the time? Why can't Allan and Chris realize that I'm pulling most of mom's grief around with me? I understand we're close because we're both women, I'm her only daughter and the only child of yours that lives within 1000 miles of her, but still. I don't want to be the one to lug it around all by myself.
I called Allan the other night and he told me he's doing ok. It sounded like he's doing a lot better than I am with everything. Is it because he's over 1000 miles from the situation? From mom crying on the phone? From the chores that you used to do and now Eric and I have to pick up the slack? The fact that they're planting a tree in your memory tomorrow doesn't bother me, but it does bother me that I am the one child obligated to go, simply because of distance. I can't resent them for choosing where they live and what they do, but I do resent them for letting me bear the weight. I love them, but I resent them at the same time. I care about them and how they're doing, but I have not once gotten asked if I'm ok. They have to know everything I'm doing for mom. Mom tells them about it herself.
I'm frustrated, confused, hurt, sad, angry and resenting my brothers - the men who I love as much as I loved you.
Even more, I'm missing you like you wouldn't believe. Pictures and memories are just not enough. I need you back.
