3 Months!

Holy cow, where have the last three months gone?

I didn't really write a one month or two month update because we were having so many issues with your feeding. But now that that's going well, I can better focus on the real update: my sweet baby girl.

You have changed so much since we brought you home from the hospital! You are so smiley and you love sitting up and taking in your surroundings.

You have started daycare and I think that has gotten you on a much better schedule. I nurse you right before I go to school, and then you take two bottles at daycare. After that, I nurse you when we get home. The evening is where it is hit or miss. Sometimes you clusterfeeds, and other times you just eat twice with a dream feed at 10:30. All in all, it's a nice schedule.

You were sleeping through the night, but I think these past two weeks you have been going through a growth spurt. Every three hours around the clock and instead of your usual 8 ounces at daycare, you had 11 ounces. And then by a miracle, last night you slept through the night again. So hopefully this spurt is over.

James loves you and its been fun to watch him grow with you. He really enjoy a kissing "beebee" and is always very concerned if we go somewhere without you. Its very sweet and I hope you stay close as you grow up.

I was terrified to have a little girl, but now I love it. I love your cute clothes and your adorable bows. I love dressing you in the morning and playing with you at night.

Its been a challenge, but one with the greatest reward. Love you little girl!

Battle of the Bulge: Week 13

So I missed Week 12, and I am sure the 2.2 people who might actually read this blog didn't miss it much. School started and I hit the ground running. And when I say hit the ground, it means someone hit the fast forward button on my life and holy shit, I am busy. Getting up earlier than I ever have before, getting myself ready, nursing Catherine, getting her ready, getting James ready, getting them both to daycare after packing a dairy-soy-egg-free lunch for myself, teaching a full day of school, getting home and nursing Catherine again, feeding my family, nursing Catherine, an not getting enough sleep all have left this blog in the dust. But... The show mist go on.

I stepped on the scale tonight for the first time in... Well... Two weeks. 159 on the money. That's after a full day of lactation cookies to help keep supply up while pumping at work, past salad, and some dinner. I can honestly say I am under pre-pregnancy weight exactly 3 months postpartum.

But I hate this body. My boobs are huge and my favorite shirts are too short for my already-long torso. My belly and hips are still thicker, so most pants/shorts still don't fit. People tell me I look great but I don't see it. I only see a very tired mom uncomfortable in a foreign body.

But I have lost the weight I wanted to. Its just interesting because I am not as happy as I thought I would be. I wonder if that's what is wrong with people who have eating disorders? Either way, I love food too much to even consider an eating disorder. Even my dairy-soy-egg free food is better than not eating at all!

So I will trudge onward. Experts say it takes a full year fr your body to get back, if ever, to its pre-pregnancy shape. So I will, again, trudge onward! Here's to Week 14 and most likely 15...

Who are you?

Anytime I happen to look at how many people have viewed my posts, or commented on my posts (both of which I just figured out how to do, I think of the song by The Who; "Whoooo are you? Who, who? Who, who? (I really wanna know!)"

Like I wrote in my profile, I wrote this blog for me. When I lost my dad, there wasn't anyone with whom I could talk about it. All my friends were too young and in fact, still haven't lost their dad, and didn't understand the degree to which I was grieving. I remember one breakdown with a coworker who put her hand on my shin as she was sitting across from me. It was the most awkward showing of sympathy I think I have ever encountered, but made me realize that she simply didn't know what to do.

I could only share in the grief with Eric. But he lost my dad in an entirely different way, so it was difficult to grieve with him.

My mom was also grieving another way and I felt like I had to be the strong one in the relationship. So I pushed my grief aside with every meeting with the lawyers and every phone call.

With my mom, so much of my family was also grieving. And to be completely honest, speaking about my grief made it real, and I wanted to be as far from reality as possible. So I avoided talking about with anyone. Then the idea of this blog was born. It was like I could send my thoughts out into space where they could drift off without anyone noticing. This was my little secret.

When I hit the four year mark, I was faced with some friends who were experiencing their own grievances. So I shared this blog with them in hopes that they knew there was someone out there who could honestly say, "I know how you feel" without actually saying it. And maybe in the middle of all my words they could see that the thoughts they were thinking are OK.

My cousin seems to have a love and talent for blogging, so I shared this secret with her. I never thought she would want to share it, but this past winter, she asked.

I was past the PTSD, and although I miss the hell out of my dad every day, I can say I am past the grieving. My situation with my psycho stalker student was done, so there couldn't be any negative repercussions from talking about it, so I took the plunge and said yes.

Immediately after I did, I was terrified. I spent that night checking my blog posts, fixing misspellings thanks to frequently jotting posts with my phone. I added a profile so people didn't think I was just some babbling psycho with a chip on her shoulder.

And then she posted it. It was terrifying. I got one follower (I don't even know how to follow people) and a lot of views (48) and o started thinking of ways I can spice my blog up and make it cute like hers.

And then I realized that that's just not who I am. I don't have a blog so I can write about my awesome vegan banana bread recipe that I found (although I have thought about it because it's fucking good!). I am a mommy of two demanding children. I play "business manager" to my husband. I am a wife to a very busy husband. I am a teacher who loves her job. I hate people who bitch and moan bug don't try to fix the problem. I hate being late. I love to play the piano and damnit, I am really good at it. I really enjoy reading my cousins blog because it reminds me that there is some food in the world. I am a conservative who believes in the right to bear arms. I cry over really stupid shit. I am emotional and feel things very deeply. I am a lover, a fighter, and I have survived some really shitty times. I love having fun, being funny, and laughing.

And that's who I am. Who are you?

Battle of the Bulge: Week 11 (What Bulge?)

this is going to have to be quick because a certain someone is being baptized in less than two weeks and I have ahouse full of people to prepare for. On today's docket is cleaning the basement so the kids can have some place to play if it's hot or storming.

Looking in the mirror today I finally felt good. Stepping on the scale I felt even better. somewhere between 160. 8 and 161. I'd call that a success.

While cleaning the basement I found a Christmas card that my mom sent out when James was six month old. I remember being horrified that she would send out a card with pictures in which I look so terrible. We took the pictures when James was 3 months old and those pictures were taken almost exactly two years ago to the day. I can honestly say that I was at least 175 pounds if not more. So for fun here is a picture of then and now.

Onto week 12.

Single Mom

When I first started this whole parenting thing, I scoffed at the parents who put their kids in front of Baby Einstein (there was a study that came out saying it didn't work and Baby Einstein confessed that was true), my kid wasn't going to be staring at an iPad all day (because we done own one, although we have a Nexus that I love) and they were going to have fruits and veggies with every meal.

In reality, James could probably recite the entire Smurfs 2 movie, (and who am I kidding - so could I), loves the many puzzles I have downloaded for him on my Nexus and had a hot dog bun, an entire peach, a piece of banana bread last night for supper (although tonight, he did have an entire peach -again- a huge helping of peas and a hot dog, so score 1 for mom).

In reality, single parenting is hard.

Last weekend we had a lovely family weekend. Monday is when "family" went to shit. Eric is trying to finish a job, so he worked late Monday. He worked late Tuesday. Wednesday night our neighbor gave us a much needed date night, but then Thursday and Friday were back to the same. He worked all day today, leaving me with a very independent toddler and a fussy baby. Not to mention I was extremely hungover, but that's another story...

Our date night on Wednesday forces us to "catch up" if you will. We really didn't get to enjoy each other, instead we talked about the things couples of two children, a mortgage and not enough time on their hands talked about.

"Catherine's appointment went well today, she doesn't have to be seen for another two weeks."
"When I picked James up yesterday he told me Ella rode her bike! I've never heard him use the word bike before!"
"James has started calling me mom instead of mama." (*sad sigh*)
"Catherine was up twice last night but went back to sleep right away."

And then Eric dropped his bomb.

"I think I need to hire someone."

Finally, the realization that he can't do it all himself was voiced and I couldn't agree more. And we are terrified.

We do everything with cash. Our entire closet, bathroom, bedroom remodel is being done with cash. Our cars are paid for. I have one measly student loan left and then, excluding our house, we are debt free. We have a cedit card we use wxlusovely for filling up with gas and we pay it off every month so we don't accrue interest.

So to take another human being who is dependent on us for their well-being is incredibly daunting.

We have a savings but that's ours. Its not for his business. He has a fluff fund, but that's to buy new tools, insurance premiums and everything else to do with his business.

Taking on another person would be more in taxes, like unemployment and payroll. It means workers compensation insurance. It means Eric has to stay busy. And right now, he is busy. Terribly busy. So busy that he can't keep up, even working 12 hour shifts. I jokingly said at the beginning of July that if we could survive July, we could survive anything. Eric laughed and said, "If we can survive until the end of the year." Because that's how much work he has backed up.

So in that one sole statement, Eric turned our world upside down. Five years ago, he did the same thing when he told me he was going to go out on his own. And that, too, was scary. But we survived. And we have thrived.

So here we go into the abyss. I am praying that it turns out to be as lucrative, as beneficial, and as lovely as the last five years have been. We have been fortunate, and I couldnt be more thankful.