Dear LIFE

Well, LIFE, you certainly have been interesting the past few months. But if I can survive you for the last couple of months, I'm pretty sure I can survive everything you have to throw at me.

I have been beaten down, lifted up, accused, exonerated, stripped of my confidence in YOU and then given it back.

After the "verdict" came in on Friday, I was in shock. Part of me wanted to whoop with joy, but another part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop, as it has time and time and TIME again. But I guess I will enjoy it as long as I can, considering the other "party" hasn't been made aware of the "verdict." I wish I were there to see the looks on their faces - wouldn't it be absolutely glorious? Then I would pull out my most immature move in the book - most likely something like putting my thumbs to my temples, fingers outspread and saying, "Na-na-na-na-na-naaaaa!" But I guess I'll just do that in my head...and most likely every day that I've been stripped of the confidence I'm supposed to have in myself.

Because of all this, I'm still confused about LIFE in general. Is this truly what I'm supposed to be doing? How many teachers come back from this? Will I be able to? Where is my motivation? When I go to school tomorrow, will I be more confident in myself? Will this motivate me to be more willing to learn? Less willing to give in to the temptation to run and hide?

And most importantly, what will I do if I don't do this?

Jupiter

I saw Jupiter last night. In a clear, bright, BIG Wisconsin sky. It was beautiful. Today almost took my breath away as we drove through the southwestern part of Wisconsin. The sun was shining, there wasn't a cloud in the sky, and it was beautiful. The trees were all different colors of fall and there was a new view every time we came up over a hill. Thank you for the peace that it brought me. Especially after the past couple of weeks I've had.

I told my best friend the other night that now that you're gone, you work in mysterious ways. And there you were last night. And today. Gorgeous.

It's crazy how such tragedy can bring about such beautiful things. I wouldn't have known what to do these past three weeks had it not been for your death. I wouldn't have known the right things to say had it not been for you.

The death of someone near and dear does not come with a manual. There are no instructions to follow. So instead, I followed my heart...and it led me to have one of the most memorable nights and one of the most memorable days with people I love. People that accept me for all my flaws and mistakes and bad days.

Not every tragedy needs to have a tragic ending. Your tragedy gave me the strength, courage, and heart to do what I did this weekend. Your tragedy gave me the wisdom to say and do the right things. Your tragedy gave me serenity in mourning the death of someone you love and to celebrate the things they did while they were alive; the things you are doing now that you're gone.

So - grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Love you, Dad, with a heart as big as the Wisconsin sky.

Dear Dad

Yes, I am back to addressing my dad. Life's cup has begun to overflow and I need the time and patience to help me through it.

So dad - I need your help with a few things. First off, continue to watch over Lane and Rachel. Lane had another surgery and although healing well, still has a cancerous tumor in his brain. Please please please watch over my greatest and dearest friend Courtney and she struggles with the pain of losing her dad. Please give her the great gift of knowing SHE will be ok in the end. It will be such a hard path for her to walk, but I know that you'll make sure she gets over the hurdles when I can't. Please continue to watch over me as I go through all that I'm going through with the BOEE and my new job. I've caught glimpses of you, but I know you're also trying to let me find my way.

I thank you over and over again for giving Eric all these great opportunities. He's been so busy with work and his cup has definitely been overflowing. He's been such a wonderful husband to me, and probably wouldn't have been had you not been his biggest fan when we were going through our toughest times.

I love you so so so much and know you're going to help me through it all. But right now, concentrate on Courtney. She's going to need it the most in the next couple of days.

Miss you beyond words -

Laura

Chapter 2

So Chapter 2 of my life didn't start out quite how I wanted it, but my first day at Waukee was awesome today. It was so incredibly different from what I'm used to. They work together, which is something that I can honestly say did not happen where I came from. They take pride in each other's work, each other's ideas and most importantly, learn from one another. I feel like I'll no longer be stuck in this hole down in the music wing, separate from everything (and everyone) else. I'm very excited.

So Dad - a separate shout out to you. I've hit some rough patches and definitely need some help from you up there. It won't be over until mid-September, and possibly even after that, 6 months or more. I need you to keep my strong, I need you to look out for my decisions and I need you to persuade some people down here! Thanks!

Right now, I'm apprehensive, sad, excited and nervous all rolled into one. One day at a time, I guess.

What are dreams made of?

I have been having the most bizarre dreams lately. The one that sticks out most in my mind is one I had a couple weeks ago.

I was standing at the edge of a stream. I could feel my dad's presence and knew that I just had to work my way up this stream to get to him. But I couldn't just walk the banks as they were covered in dense underbrush and forestry. So I got in the stream, clothes and all, and started working my way up the stream. But the banks grew wider and the current became faster. But I kept working my way up, knowing my dad was just at the end. But as I was battling the current, the clouds closed in and it began to rain. But I kept on. As I worked my way up the stream, things kept floating by to help me on my journey. A large stick floated by, so I grabbed it and used it to keep my balance in the water. The rain was cold, and a raincoat floated by. So I grabbed it to at least keep the rain out of my face and to keep my body from being cold. As I worked my way up the stream, it became wider and deeper. It got to the point where I couldn't touch the bottom anymore, so I let go of the walking stick and began to swim. At this point, the water turned colder and it began to snow. The river was moving too fast and I couldn't make it to the banks without being swept under with the current, so I stayed to the middle of the river and kept swimming upstream. I knew my dad was at the end and I knew that if I gave up, I wouldn't get to see him. So I kept on. People from my life were standing on the banks, not saying anything, but just watching me swim. Some people pointed up the stream, but most just stood there. My best friend, a professor from college, one of my teachers from grade school. Everyone just kept watching me try and swim upstream. I remember it being so cold and it was snowing. The river was being to ice over, but I had to keep going. Someone threw me another stick and I would swim, then break the ice in front of me. Finally, the ice grew so thick, I couldn't break it anymore, so I tried to pull myself up onto the ice so I could walk the rest of the way. But I couldn't get a good grip and I kept falling back in. I had such a determination to see my dad again, but it seemed like all the elements were against me. I knew, deep in my heart, he was at the end of this river, waiting for me.

And then I woke up. I had the same hole in my heart that I woke up with a couple months after my dad died. I had a horrible morning and was in the worst of moods. I could not get that dream out of my head.

But when I think more deeply about it, what a crazy metaphor for my life. I will never lose that feeling of my dad always being there. I will never lose that feeling of wanting to see him, one last time. I will never lose that feeling that if I just try a little harder, I might be able to hear him laugh again, or feel his arms around me. But I will, honestly and truly, never see him again. Maybe it wasn't a nightmare after all. Maybe it was just a metaphor for my life - that my dad is always there, I just can't see him anymore.

And I'm ok with that.

Dear Life:

Life has handed me an entirely new deck of cards. And I cannot tell you how relieved I am about it.

So many things have happened in the past few months that I can't begin to describe my elation. After much stewing, I finally decided (with a little help) to apply for the Waukee position. I did, and from there, it was a whirlwind.

I was offered the position, after thinking I probably wouldn't get it, and was terrified of making a decision. Eric and I had discussed the "what-ifs" over the weekend, with the thought that I may not be offered the job and our problems would be solved. Then I was offered the job. Ruh-roh! So after all our debate, Eric finally said, "I'm going to go take a shower. You make the decision and let me know." Then turned and went upstairs!!! So I was left to make a possibly life-altering decision on my own.

But I didn't make it on my own. My dad made it for me. I talked to my dad about it while sitting in our living room. I looked up at my ceiling while holding a quarter in my hand and told him, "This is it, dad. Tell me what to do. Heads - Waukee. Tails - I stay." I flipped the coin, waited a beat to check it and there you had it, Waukee.

From there, life has been wonderful. I feel renewed and leaving behind everything that happened at Southeast Polk has been easier to do than I thought. I feel as though I have my LIFE back. After losing my dad, I wasn't sure I would ever get it back.

And here I am, the happiest I have been in a long time. I can tell Eric is happy to have his wife back. I know my friends are happy to have me back. I know my colleagues are excited that I have gotten my passion for teaching and music back. I've decided to LIVE again and renew myself as a person.

So, to honor this renewal, I have made a bucket list for this summer. I hope I'll be able to fulfill it!

My Summer Bucket List:

• Have a dinner party with friends
• Have a "Thank You" party for friends of Just Right Contruction
• Go Canoeing
• Get the tattoo I have wanted for a long time. A tiny treble clef, the size of a dime, on the inside of my wrist
• Re-side our house!
• Ride a roller coaster

These may seem stupid, but I feel like they are something that will help me break out of this shell I've been holed up in for two years. I'm done with it. I'm ready to shed some skin and come out on the other a new, better person. For my friends, for my family and especially for my wonderful, wonderful husband of two years.

In other news, Dad:

Please watch over Lane and Rachel - Lane was diagnosed with a brain tumor and it was confirmed today that it is cancer. They are going to need lots of support, and you were always there when people needed you. Please be there now.

I love my life and am so thankful -

Laura

Dear Family

I'm changing the name of my posts simply because I think I'm ready to. I'm ready to not necessarily address my dad, but address the memory of him. Hallelujah, I'm healing!

Chris, Ma'an and Jack flew in today. Allan and Nicole fly in next Friday. I'm incredibly anxious to see them, yes, but I'm more anxious for the reunion to be over with. You spend the entire year after a parents death enduring the "Firsts" without them. First Easter. First Memorial Day. First Christmas. First Anniversary. And just when you think you've gotten to your "checkpoint" this kind of thing creeps up on you. This will be the first time my family has been back together since my dad died. It will be tough I'm sure, but we'll get through it, go on and enjoy each other while we're all together. I'm ready for the hugs, tears, "How are you's" to be over with. But I can't wait to see my brothers.

I love my family and am so thankful for them.

Dear Dad

For some reason, I've been thinking back to Feb. 6 and the events thereafter a lot this week. Somedays I felt like I was trudging through three feet of mud and I just couldn't think. I was happy with my life, but deep down there was something that was keeping me from enjoying it.

I had a student walk into my office today and tell me he lost his dad in December. He looked right at me and said, "I was just wondering, how do you get through it?" I almost had to laugh, but somehow, looking back, I have gotten through it. I'm still getting through it. Now it's just much easier. I told him one day at a time. I realized, that's all I did. One day at a time. I look back on my blogs, which now feel like they're from another lifetime, and really, that's how I did things. Some days were good days, some days were bad. You can see that in my posts. You can read so many more things than what I wrote on those pages.

He said he doesn't cry, he just spaces. Most likely, he's exactly where I was not too long ago - it's still not real. At some points during the summer, I thought he would just walk in the door or call me up. The reality hit me at the beginning of the year I think. He's never coming back. I told this student he just goes through it - there's no other way. It's not like you can press a button and eject yourself from this life. This is it - the good, the bad and for this, the unimaginable. You just take it one day at a time.

I felt like this is your way of telling me I have to stay in teaching. You sly devil, you knew I've been thinking about leaving...always like you dad - make me think twice about things. Make me think very hard on if this is the decision I want to make. You always show up at the funniest times.

And instead of weeping with sadness, I'm actually smiling. You sly devil...

Love you and thanks for the advice...ha! :)

Laura

Dear Dad

HELLO 2010!!!!!! I am so thankful 2010 is here, I can hardly contain myself. I feel like I am TRULY getting back to normal. Not just trying to talk myself into normal, but I am truly making it. I'm making it without having to fake it. I love that feeling.

Your death took normal away from me, but your memory gave it back. I love you dad!