Potty Training, Day 7

I am pretty sure we have it down.

James still won't poop, except at night in his night time diaper. But I have a feeling, it will come, sooner rather than later.

Today, he told us every time he had to pee. He got to the toilet fast enough, bit one ocassion, where he woke up from his nap and couldn't get his own pants down in time.

Apparently, he had crawled out of his crib, for the first time EVER, and chose to sleep in his twin bed we also have in his room. After waking up, he must have wandered over to the toilet and just couldn't get it, so he decided to try and oee through his pants, standing up. I wasn't here, but Eric said it was a lot of pee. Glad I wasn't here to clean up the mess!!

Overall, I think I can say we are well on our way, and for that, I am relieved! I thought Jt was going to be a much harder process, but I really think he was ready. Wahoo!

So there you have it. Back to the grind tomorrow. Looking forward to it!

Potty Training, Day 6

I knew the day would come when I would need some major encouragement.

It is here.

The day started off well. We peed in the toilet after waking up, tried before we went to the store, successfully went shopping for an hour, and peed when we got home.

And then it went downhill. I believe it has something to do with the fact that our kid hasn't pooped in three days.

I can tell he's running around, trying to hold it in. I don't blame him, suppose. Going from pooping in his diaper to pooping in open air would probably be scary. Holding it in is what resulted in accident, after accident, after accident. Even after we gave him juice (a big no-no in our house, but he picked it out at the store, and I knew from it's sugar content, it would probably have to make him poop). I also knew the juice was going to make him pee more, which I anticipated with asking him to sit on the toilet.

Several times, when asked to sit on the toilet, he did not want to. Most likely because he knew he had to poop.

Around lunchtime, we had our first accident, and it was a big one. Luckily, he was wearing sweatpants, so it didn't soak through, but it was a lot of pee.

After he woke up from his nap, where I was nursing Catherine in her room next door, I heard him moving around and knew I had to get there fast. But my milk hadn't let down yet and I knew it was going to be disastrous if she didn't at least get a few drops.

Yep, I was too late. I knew it was not an accident while he was sleeping, as his bed and blanket were dry. It wasn't a horrible accident, just enough to soak through his underwear and get his shorts damp. So we changed, I remained positive, and went about our day.

During his nap, Eric and I lugged our Christmas decorations up from the basement and began decorating. I could tell, as James shuttled ornaments from me in the living room, to Eric in the dining room, that he needed to pee. He would also wag his hands behind himself in a way that only someone who really needed to poop would. We tried to get him to sit on the toilet, which he did a few times, but most of the time, he would only pee a little. Then he would go about his awkward poop dance again.

After that, we had another accident because he refused to sit on the toilet. After that, I took the both of us to the hall bathroom, shut us in with the tablet, and sat on my toilet while James sat on his, playing Angry Birds. After 20 minutes, no poop. But hey, he had beaten several levels, so that's exciting.

Again, he had a sprung-a-leak accident and we didn't have to clean up a mess, only had to change his underwear. Dinner has been sparse around here since we gorge ourselves during the day, and gave James some pears and a slice of string cheese to snack on while we went downstairs to watch (you guessed it!) Frozen.

Because it was so warm here today, the basement was cold since we didn't run our fireplace. After coming back downstairs while quickly grabbing myself a sweatshirt, James was peeing. All. Over. The. Floor.

I felt horrible, but could not mask my disappointment anymore. I made him do everything this time. Mostly, I would grab some wipes, a towel, the spray to clean it up. This time I made him get it all. The towel, the spray, the new clothes, the wipes to wipe him down. Even though they were two floors up, I made him get it himself. I remained calm, but disappointed. He could tell.

The rest of the evening, he kept saying, "I pee!" and run to the toilet. He would yank his pants down and sit on the toilet, producing nothing. And then he sat there. On two separate occasions, he sat on the toilet for 15 minutes, producing nothing. I realized it was because he probably saw my disappointment and wanted to please me. Isn't that what this is all about.

In hindsight, today was a busy day. We cleaned the house from our vegetative state the past few days, did a ton of laundry, Catherine was extra fussy, and we decided to drag out all of our Christmas decorations. I ran to the store to get extra things we needed, and probably didn't pay as much attention to James as we should have. In fact, we should have definitely been more excited with his pee, but we weren't.

Part of that, I think, was our fatal mistake. We didn't celebrate like we had in the past few days, because I assumed (you know what that means...) that he got it, based off our success from yesterday. Apparently, I have to keep this charade up for awhile. Awesome...

Another part, was the fact that the kid hasn't pooped in three days. This is a kid who poops every day, sometimes twice a day. He can't possibly be feeling good. Poor thing.

If anyone out there (the whole 2 people who read this blog) have any advice on how to get this kid to poop in the toilet, please let me know. At this point, I've gone from curious to concerned in that he hasn't pooped. We gave him a bit of Miralax, which will hopefully help, but I don't want him to become constipated, and then have a horrible time on the toilet. Ugh.

So now, today, I will admit. This potty-training thing is hard.


UPDATE: I am a problem-solver by nature, and if I had to name one of my strongest characteristic traits, that would be it. I can't just sit and say, "Oh well, that didnt work out." Or "I need help." I just do. So I sat and thought about my sweet boy and his obvious fear of pooping in the toilet.

*BOOM* It hit me like a ton of bricks. He is used to going in a diaper, which is wedged up against his but all day. He is not used to it just falling away from his body.

I think the approach I am going to take is simply a diaper in the toilet. I refuse to back-pedal by putting a diaper on him except at night, but I really think that he is just used to pooping with something THERE. I plan to have Eric explain to him that the diaper will only be there when he has to poop tomorrow, and slowly, he will be able to see that the poop is still in the toilet. I just hope it doesn't backfire.

Also, as I was coming up to bed, I heard rustling in James room. Sure as shit (haha), I checked on him and he was standing in his crib, looked at me and said, "I pooped." So I took him out, took off his diaper, rolled the poop into the toilet, and he laughed. Then we took the toilet bowl to the big toilet bowl, dumped it and flushed the poop away, all while saying, "Bye-bye poop!" Just like we did the other day. Being that it was 11:00 p.m., he was not to thrilled. We put another diaper on and back to bed he went.

I am more than thrilled that he finally pooped, as I don't want him to become constipated, but less than thrilled it was in his diaper. Ugh.

It will be interesting to see how it goes tomorrow!!

Potty Training, Day 5

We are in our 5th day of introducing potty training, and in our 3rd day of fully executing it, and I can positively say, it has clicked.

This morning, I got James up and brought him into our bed with the rest of us. When we don't have anything to do on the weekends, we like to laze around in our king-size bed, watching stupid cartoons and just goofing around as a family. Sometime around 8:30, we usually get out of bed and have pancakes, or go get donuts, or have some other "special" breakfast.

Thanks to our busy last few weeks, I have no clean clothes. So after throwing a load of randoms in the washer (who has time to really sort when you're actually out of underwear, but need to fill the washer to a level where you're not wasting water?) last night, I snuck out of the bedroom and down to the basement to grab my jeans.

James didn't pee when he got up this morning, so I figured, like the past few days, he wouldn't pee until at least 9:00 or so.

Wrong! As I was grabbing my laundry out, I could hear his little footsteps two floors above me. I hurried, knowing that the second he came to the basement, he would want to stay down there all morning. Without the fireplace circulating warm air all night, it was cold this morning! I heard James start down the first set of stairs, calling my name. I grabbed the hamper and met him just as he was getting to the top of the basement stairs. Then he yelled, "Mom!" one last time, and peed. And it was a lot of pee.

It was hard not to start the day off on a negative note after that. I had read blog after article after blog about how their child was potty-trained in three days. Although I made very sure that my expectations were not as such, I was still hopeful, especially after the success of yesterday.

I walked him back upstairs after helping me clean up his mess, and we changed his underwear, then put sweatpants on. I remember being weary about the rest of the day.

However since he had peed so much, I knew he wasn't going to need to pee for awhile. I also knew we had about a half hour to 45 minutes in a car, dropping my car off to get new struts, and of course, grabbing some donuts (for those of you scoffing, this was something my dad did for us when we were little, on Saturday mornings, and I turned out just fine, no childhood obesity anywhere...). So we loaded up, a towel on the car seat, and away we went.

James remained dry. I remained calm. Catherine remained cute.

And that was the last accident we had. All day, James would yell, "I pee!" and proceed to go to his toilet, pull down his pants, sit or stand (he has amazing aim), whatever suits his fancy, and pee. Afterwards, he would yell, "I peed!" and grab his bowl, carry it carefully to the toilet, dump it out, rinse it in the sink, wash his hands, and flush the toilet.

Nap time came and I went to put his diaper on and he adamantly said, "No!" Okay, then. Not really sure what to do, I decided what the hell, and left him in his underwear.

He woke up dry. Albeit naked, because he was ready to pee when I got to him, but nonetheless, everything was dry.

He gets how to pull down his pants, he understands that pee goes in the toilet, he knows what it feels like when he has to go. He is starting to take himself to the toilet, even though he mostly looks for us to at least be there, present in this ever-easing process of potty-training.

So for those people that say potty-training can be done in three days, I guess their definition of potty-training CAN be done in three days. Although, when people say potty-trained, I think of no-peeing-at-night potty-trained. I hate grey areas, and apparently, what constitutes full potty-training is definitely, almost all-grey area.

But does he get it? Yes. Is he ridiculously proud of himself? Yes. Has he played dozens of levels of Angry Birds and read hundreds of books while sitting on the toilet? Yes.

But he hasn't pooped. Although we have tried getting him to "toot" into the toilet. Several times. And he usually does, but nothing that produces poop. So we will keep trying.

All in all, with the blogs and articles and pieces of advice I have sought out and pored over, I can say I hardly followed any of it. I went with what worked for us, our family, and our parenting style.

Mostly, the you're-going-to-do-this-damnit approach worked for us. There was no slow, month-long introduction to just the toilet itself. We said, "You're going to shit on the pot" and although no shit has happened yet, we didn't look back once we started.

I have bags and bags of candy sitting in our cupboards, because the reward for my son was a sense of accomplishment. Although we may need to use that for poop. So hopefully I don't eat it all.

It's been a relatively easy process and a heartwarming journey. Who thought I would be excited about pee? Certainly not me!!

Potty Training, Day 4

I would say this journey has, surprisingly, been a positive one so far. And here is why:

1) I had the correct provisions.

Everyone will need a small bottle of wine, for either that first success, or that first major disaster.

2) I figured out very quickly that James liked to hide before he figured out that he could just pee in the toilet.

One of the places James hid prior to one of his first "accidents." His 6 foot, cardboard train. 

3) I forced him to wear underwear after realizing he couldn't go pantsless at daycare.

Little-boy-underwear butts are seriously the cutest! 

4) I let the kid do whatever the hell he has wanted in the past few days, within reason. We have still had to send him to time out, but truth be told, it has only been a few times and it was for typical toddler things. I made very sure it was very separate from anything having to do with potty training.

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse/Frozen/Dinosaur Train for the 90th time today? Why not??

5) I have kept a detailed account of anything and everything that has happened in regard to peeing and pooping.

Pretty sure the kid didn't go four hours without peeing... I am assuming my detailed account is actually not-so-detailed.

So there you have it. We have been doing everything the way we typically do it here at the Engels Homestead.

Like I said, thus far, it has been a relatively easy journey. We started with rewards, but I was very inconsistent and pretty soon, we weren't using them anymore. I may have to take them out once we start the poop stages of potty training. After his first weird accident today, which was more of a sprung-a-leak sort that didn't even soak through his pants, I implemented a "spot check" where I say "spot check!" and lightly pat his crotch to make sure he hasn't leaked, or started to pee and then stopped.

We are rocking and rolling with only two   accidents this morning that were a result of him simply not getting to the toilet on time. Once he began to pee, he ran for his toilet and finished through his underwear. Which was pretty funny to watch! But from there, we kept the same pair of underwear on him all day.

All in all, I feel like I am missing something. Poop, of course, but something else... Maybe the ease of this will go away once he decides he has to poop...

Wish us luck in that department!

Potty Training, Day 3

Today went swimmingly until about 5:30 this evening. But before I get to that, I will chronicle the day.

We got up and I told him we were done with diapers unless he was in bed. I made him pancakes, we lounged around and played in the basement, all without anything on his bottom half. Including no undies.

He went into his play tent, and came out saying, "I peed!" Luckily, the tent has a tarp-like bottom, so with a few swipes of a towel, it was all cleaned up. Immediately, I put him on his toilet, and he sat for awhile. I explained to him that we poop and pee in the toilet. He got up after awhile and we resumed play.

All throughout the day, his pee dance is more than obvious. So as soon as he would start that, I hustled him to the toilet and he peed. I celebrated like it was my last day on earth. He helped me carry the bowl upstairs, dump it in the toilet, and flush. Then we resumed play. About a half hour later, there came the pee dance, and away we went again, same as before. Only this time, it wasn't a whole lot. Not really thinking much about it, back to the basement we went and James started playing by himself. I took the opportunity to read some articles about potty training, laying on the floor right next to the toilet. The next thing I knew, he was peeing in the toilet next to me. No prompt, no warning, and completely on his own. I was ecstatic.

The day was much like that, only having one accident in the morning. Otherwise, peeing in the toilet was pretty simple. I remember thinking that this could not possibly be it for potty training.

I was right. On a side note, Catherine is horribly constipated... Again. Since Eric doesn't have the rapport with our daycare provider like I do, they didn't talk about Catherine's horrible 4 a.m. scream session that resulted in passing a terribly hard stool, poor thing. Beyond that, when Catherine came home tonight, all she did was scream. Luckily, I have potty-training duty, so I just have to play with James and watch for the pee dance.

While doing so, I wanted to catch said daycare provider and ask about Catherine's day. In our conversation, the fact that I was doing pantless potty training came up, and she brought up a good point: he wasn't going to be able to go pantless at daycare. So I tried putting underwear on him. NOPE he was not having it.

Thanks to an egg allergy, James has eczema on one spot on his back, which happens to be wear his diaper rubs... And ultimately where the underwear dug in. We do not feed him straight eggs, which cause him to throw up and break out in hives, but do continue to give him baked goods with egg in it at the recommendation of our allergist, who said he will most likely grow out of it. So I rigged a bad aid for his "owie" and we put on underwear with minimal complaint.

Only after that, we had three accidents, right in a row. The second time, he was very upset with himself, crying while saying, "I pee!" and standing over the toilet, no longer having oee to put on the toilet. Poor kid.

So we will work on it some more tomorrow. At least I know he is OK with sitting on the toilet for long periods of time. Tomorrow will be another day, and will include Catherine.

Remind me why I decided to do this again?

Potty Training, Day 2

I geared up for the next 5 days by stocking up on treats and two packages of underwear with Thomas the Train and Mickey Mouse. Since James is a fan of both, I figured he would at least choose one.

Wrong. He wanted nothing to do with the underwear. I had placed both packages and the m&M's in his toilet, so when he came home, he would see all, and hopefully put two and two together. He quickly tossed the underwear aside, protesting heavily, and decided he just wanted to sit on his toilet while playing Angry Birds on the toilet.

I let him do that, nursed Catherine and made supper. James, once again, sat on the toilet for inordinant amounts of time tonight, fully clothed. A couple of times I quizzed him: "Is that YOUR toilet, James?" To which he replies, "Yes!" And each time he got up and played, after awhile, I asked him to sit on the toilet again. Each time, he did. Each time, he got an M&M.

So tonight was bath night, and afterward, I tried to throw on the underwear. Nope, didn't want to do that. He was very fidgety, and I could tell that he probably had to go to the bathroom, but didnt want to out a diaper on him. So I brought the toilet up to his room, Eric following close behind with the M&M's. We sat there while I read him book, after book... after book....... after book. And I quizzed him in between books. "What do we do in the toilet?" "I PEE!"

I think its pretty obvious that he gets it. But it was a half hour after bedtime, and I was convinced it wasn't going to happen. So I started suggesting 'night night.' So James got up and as I was about to grab a diaper, he began to pee.

I may be old, but still have cat-like reflexes and caught it almost immediately. I grabbed the actual bowl off the toilet and he contained to pee into it. And peed, and peed... and peed!

I celebrated harder than I did New Years Eve, circa 1999 when I ended up in bed before the clock even struck midnight. I jumped around, scooped him up, hugged and kissed him, and gave him high-fives. Then we walked to the bathroom together and dumped the bowl in the toilet, where we celebrated some more. Then I let him use his step stool to help me rinse it out. James might be a turd (haha) sometimes, but the kid is helpful as hell.

Then I let him carry the bowl back to the toilet in his room, and he celebrated some more. Each time, he would clap his hands together and say, "Yay! I pee!"

Then came the challenge of how to explain to him that I was about to put a diaper back on, even though he had just peed. So we said our prayers, and James turned off his light. We put him in his crib, and while putting his diaper on, explained that we are only going to wear a diaper at 'night night.' Because he peed in the toilet like a big boy.

To which he responded by clapping his hand and saying, "Yay! I pee!" That, you did, my sweet boy. That you did.

Potty Training, Day 1

I can't believe I am about to start this journey but here it is.

Let me first start by saying, I HATE the word potty. I think it's because at least once a year, I have a student who approaches me before class who asks me to "go potty." Seriously? You're in f-ing high school. So no more using the "potty." Ask to use the restroom, or bathroom, for crying out loud.

Secondly, this past week has been dedicated to research. Yes, that is me in a shell. I research THE SHIT out of anything. I gather opinions, I seek advice, I read blog after blog of frustrated mommy. All in preparation to potty-train (shudder... That word!) my beautiful son, who is growing up way too fast.

Our daycare provider, who is lovely, said two things that were resonant with me: make sure that once I start I don't go back and if I am ready, James will be ready. She said he has been showing the signs, which I agree with. He can dress himself, which I love. He can count to ten, identify letters, tell you what letter comes next in the alphabet when you randomly stop, and my personal favorite, he will tell us when he has peed or pooped by saying, "I pee!" or "I poop!" He loves to tell em when baby has pooped, as it is pretty obvious. The kid is ready, he just doesn't know it yet. So here I was preparing to potty train over Christmas while on my break.

Well, the tides have changed and here we are, with nothing to do over Thanksgiving break. So I figure its now or never.

We got home and I suggested James sit on the toilet. The real toilet. The last time James tried to pee in the real toilet, he slipped on his step stool and fell, hitting his rib on the side of the toilet, while his hand and arm went in it. After that, James wanted nothing to do with the real toilet.

So when I tried to get him on the real toilet tonight, it was not happening. So I pulled out the small toilet. Since he is obsessed with Elsa, I said we could watch Frozen while he practiced sitting on HIS toilet. Just with clothes on. He sat there for almost 45 minutes, watching Elsa while I fed Catherine and got dinner ready.

Once he got up and ate, he went to sit back on the toilet when I suggested it.

So we are at least being successful with that. We will see how tomorrow goes...

6 Months!

Well, my beautiful girl, you are getting more and more animated every day. You are finally becoming fun! 

You are so smiley and giggly, and your giggle is more of a weird inhale that causes you to squeak. It's so adorable! You aren't doing anything like sitting up, or rolling over, yet, but you're getting stronger. You are still so little yet, with your 3 month clothes getting tighter, but your 6 month clothes are just too big. I am anxious to see what you weigh at your 6 month appointment.

The crying spells are getting further and further apart, for which this mama is grateful. There were a couple months in there that I thought I was going to go insane.

We keep shoving new foods at you, and you're loving them. Your favorite is sweet potatoes, and we throw some apples and pears. I have to make such big batches at a time, I don't really make much else. Those three things are so easy to make, and your grandma gave me a big pot so I could boil ALL the sweet potatoes/apples/pears at the same time, rather than wait for my little steamer to only do one veggie/fruit at a time. It's nice to be able to crank out a month's worth of food in just a few short hours.

Your brother adores you. When you're crying, he becomes very concerned and puts the pacifier in your mouth. Sometimes he will cover you with his blanket. Sometimes, he will lay down next to you. It's very apparent that he loves you and cares very deeply for you. I hope that continues throughout your entire life.

I can definitely, without a doubt, say that I do NOT like the infant stage, and about 6 months is where I really start to enjoy little ones. Don't get me wrong, I loved you as a floppy bird, but to see you as a growing, giggling little girl is the best thing in the world. And to see how you interact with James is lovely. You are both my world.

I love you, little girl, You are becoming so beautiful to me every day. I can't get enough of you and couldn't imagine life without you!

5 Months!

So, 5 months has actually come and gone, and we are almost into 6 months, but with our schedule, this is about as good as it's going to get!

Not much has changed from when you were 3 months (did I even do a 4/ month update?). You are still cute and adorable. You still cry an obscene amount, but it is so much better than it was. We figured out that you are severely constipated, a the time, and that solids have treated you, and our sleeping habits, kindly.

So we have started to give you Miralax every Monday and Thursday. Sometimes the Monday dose doesn't do much for you, so come Thursday, it's Shit City. And I mean, blowout after blowout, round and round of poop. Usually culminating in a bath on Thursday or Friday nights. The amount of poop you sock away is impressive.

Miralax was suggested by our pediatrician and I don't know why we didn't start it sooner. The pediatrician also suggested starting you on solids. Particularly any "p" food. Pears, prunes, peaches etc. Those, apparently, help with constipation. But of course, not you, my dear sweet girl! So at our 6 month appointment, we will be looking at running a few rests to make sure your digestive track is working the way it's supposed to.

Otherwise, since we have started feeding you solids, you have grown considerably. You are still wearing 3-6 month clothes, but you can now fit into anything Carter's that is 6 month, since they run small. It seemed like that happened overnight, and honestly, it probably did. You are still in size 1 diapers, which is weird because you are definitely growing, bit I assume once I run out of those, you will be done with ones and on to twos!

We are still breastfeeding, and I am still pumping at work. We are still trucking along in that department, although at times, its very stressful. You are definitely teething as well, and I can say that with 100% certainty. Not because of the white, swollen gums, or the constant drooling, but because you bit me, and it fucking hurt! Way more than when I initially started breastfeeding and my nipples were cracked and bleeding. I would take that over being bit. Dear God, it hurt!

You love being held, which is hard for this mom. You love observing, which is like James at this age. And when I wake up in the morning to feed you, your face is about the cutest thing I have ever seen. You are always so happy!!

We haven't rolled over yet, nor have you started scooting. But you are also very tiny for your age, so I am expecting that will come later. James has always been in the 90th percentile and here you are, in the 5th.

But you are a beautiful, sweet girl and even when you have been crying for an hour and a half, I still love you!

All Saints Day

If you are Catholic, as is my husband, you will know that Saturday, November 1, was All Saints Day. You will also know that November 2 was All Souls Day. Essentially, these two days commemorate those who have departed with the belief that there is a spiritual bond between the dead and those still here on earth.

On Saturday, I attended a friends baby shower, with Catherine in tow. James stayed home with Eric, and when I got home, I fully expected James to be awake, up from his nap. That was not the case. Instead, Eric informed me that James had only fallen asleep a half hour before, after talking to himself and playing in his crib for almost an hour and a half.

He has never done that before. In fact, I can only count on one hand the amount of times he has lain in his crib and talked to himself, but never for an hour and a half.

When he finally woke up, I jokingly asked him if he had been talking to Grandpa Tom. "You know, big guy, blue eyes a lot like mine and yours."

He looked right at me and said, "Yessss..."

I didn't even realize what day it was, did not intentionally ask James, and was not expecting that response. Afterward, James grabbed a ball, stood in our entryway and threw the ball down the hallway. I am sure the ball bounced off of something and rolled back to him, but I was tending to Catherine and didn't hear it hit anything. James did this a couple more times, and although I was too distracted by Catherine to be able to tell, I thought it was odd that he was throwing the ball where he was throwing it, and after retrieving it, would throw it again.

I think it's important for my children to know who my dad was. I talk about him as much as I can, but oftentimes, it's only a brief mention, otherwise I begin to get choked up. I also think it's important that James and Catherine visit my dad's grave with me, so they can understand what it is that is so important about the man who was loved by so many.

However, those plans are always thwarted by James, who usually is not in the mood to visit the cemetary.

My choir is singing a song called I Carry Your Heart, which speaks of exactly that. I often try to give them a personal story to connect them to the text, and usually, it has to do with my dad. So I told them the story of James.

I have a Spanish student who said, "Sarurday was Dia de Los Muertas: The Day of the Dead." I about fainted.

True to some of the best times I have with my students, we got a little off track and my Spanish student asked if James gets freaked out when we go near cemetaries. I told them that when I take James to see my dad's grave, he loses it immediately inside the gate, the stay is usually very short and he cries the whole time. Some of my students were freaked out, but my Spanish student just mentioned that her culture believes that young children can see and talk to the spirits who visit on All Saints Day.

And the more I think about it, the more I believe in it. I believe James was playing with my dad. I believe James was talking to my dad. I believe James can see my dad.

The thought fills me with happiness and extreme sorrow. How much I want my children to know the person he was, and how much I want to just see him again, hug him, have a two-sided conversation. I think of the day I will see him again. I wonder what it will be like. I think of all the things I will say to him.

But for now, it looks like I will have to let James speak for me.