Dear Dad

I feel inadequate. I feel like an inadequate wife whose husband can't even talk to her anymore without her flying off the handle. I feel like an inadequate sister because I haven't talked to Chris since you died. I feel like an inadequate teacher because I am only remotely excited to go back to school. I feel like an inadequate human being because I look around at other people and wonder why the hell they don't feel like this.

I can't talk about my feelings about this because I simply cannot put them into words. But I'm going to try here:

• My heart breaks wide open anytime I pass Corporate Woods Drive on I-35 Northbound. Sometimes I cry, other times I don't. Most of the time, I just try to bite my lip to keep from feeling like a failure. It's just a fucking exit on the interstate, right? Why does some little green sign have such a grip on my life?
• My stomach jumps into my throat anytime I am caught off-guard by an impromptu memory. Something that I haven't thought about in so long that it takes my breath away.
• I go to your grave and feel absolutely nothing. People keep telling me that you are always with me but when I go to your grave, I don't feel that at all. So I keep looking for some sign - something that tells me they're right. But I look so hard, and all I see is constant reminders that you are never coming back.
• There are sincerely times that I am genuinely happy and for that, I feel guilty. The kind of guilt that swims over you when you realize you've done or said something you shouldn't have.
• Regret. I have horrible regrets. So much so I can't put all of them into words.

I miss you.