As I write this, I am in Decorah at an Honor Choir. I am staying at the Cooley-Whitney Inn, and if whoever if reading this is every in Decorah, I recommend it! It's a beautiful place.
But back to the reason I'm writing in the first place. I went to Wal-Mart tonight to grab some food, just as the sun was going down. And once I came back out, it was dark and snowflakes were just beginning to lay themselves on the ground.
It was incredibly magical and transforming. All of a sudden, I was in a parking lot surrounding by huge snowflakes. It was so eerily similar to the movies, where the snowflakes are big and wafting down out of nowhere, I couldn't help but stand in awe for a few moments, taking it in.
It was beautiful. And I couldn't help to be thankful that at that moment, on this day that I have officially left my 20's behind, my life is completely different from what it was only 5 years ago. Even though, tonight, I am in the exact same place.
5 years ago, I was in the second semester of my first real, "grown-up" job. I was at this same honor choir, in this same town, however I stayed at a different Bed and Breakfast. However, that B and B had the same magical, charming feeling that this one does. It was still decorated for Christmas, it was still snowing, and I was stressed out. I worked hard for my students, and they rewarded me this weekend, 5 years ago with a birthday cake.
5 years ago, I was concentrated on my job, my career, and how I wanted to people to know me in my profession. I lost touch with friends because I threw myself at my job and my students, sacrificing time with my husband and my friends. 5 years ago, one of my very best friends told me that she felt like she called and called and called me, but I never called her back. So I vowed to change it. And I did.
4 years ago, I was back at this honor choir. Staying at another B and B. Again, my students bought me a cake and I ate it while taking a bubble bath in my room. It was glorious. 4 years ago, a blizzard moved in and I had to leave the honor choir early. I remember grabbing my students, taking one to her scholarship audition and then leaving. The blizzard was moving in quickly, and by the time we got on the road, the visibility was worsening. So how did I handle that crisis? Called my dad. My dad told me to drive south first to get out of the path of the storm, since it wasn't slated to hit the Des Moines area. He told me what roads to take and off-and-on, I was on the phone with him, or my student was texting him back and forth. That was the second to last time I ever talked to my dad. When we were about to hang up, he wished me a happy birthday and told me he loved me. A few weeks later, he called me to tell me to throw hot water in the air outside, being that it was -24 degrees, and watch the water freeze in the air. I told him it was a stupid idea. I was tired, stressed out about my job, trying to catch up on the day we had off from school because it was so bitterly cold, and didn't want to mess with something so childish and stupid. There is not one day of my life that I don't regret that phone call. A few weeks later, he died.
3 years ago, I was, again, here in Decorah, staying at the same Bed and Breakfast I had stayed at my first year here. It was, again, my birthday weekend, and true to form, my students bought me a birthday cake. I was dreading the upcoming anniversary of my dad's death and trying to continue holding it together both mentally and physically, even thought it had been almost a year. I was depressed, losing weight and trying to also battle the fight for my career, which was being jeopardized by a disgruntled student. I was stressed out, but happy to just have a weekend to relax.
2 years ago, I found myself in a different job. I was 10 pounds lighter from stress and hardly ever eating. I was hosting a show choir competition and having to look in the faces of co-workers who despised me, although I had done nothing wrong. Co-workers who were conspiring against me. Co-workers who I thought were my friends. I was still reeling from my dad's death. Rather than neck-deep, I was now only knee-deep in what my counselor called, "Post-traumatic stress disorder." Or when you finally come to grips with the fact that someone traumatized you that badly, you call it PTSD. It's slang for "pretty fucked up." I was just coming out of a deep depression, on anti-anxiety meds, hardly sleeping, wearing a size 6 pant and a hole in my heart.
A year ago, I was at home, in my yoga pants and maternity shirt, anticipating the arrival of my baby boy. We were getting the nursery put together, I was really starting to show, and I was happy with my mediocre job. It didn't necessarily give me happiness, but I was happy with the low-key, non-stress job that allowed me to concentrate on my pregnancy. I was going to be a mom!
And now, here I am. Thinking about how far my life has come in just 5 years. Life from here, looks much different than life did from there. I have a baby boy, who is my entire life. I have an incredibly happy marriage, with one of the most loyal, kind-hearted, simple people I have ever met. Every day, he makes me laugh, smile, or angry. Usually, more of the former than the latter, but either way, I love him wholly and deeply.
Today, I was driving my high school senior to this honor choir, and my mom called to wish me a happy birthday. We talked about a myriad of things, but the last part of our conversation turned to my dad. When we hung up, I thought about this honor choir 4 years ago, and the blizzard. And I put myself on auto-pilot and thought about how my students surprised me with a cake, and how I ate it in a bubble bath, of all places! When I tuned back into the road, out of nowhere a bald eagle swept down right in front of my car, and proceeded to do it's dips and dives over a bare field. It was beautiful and I started to cry. I felt so stupid because here I was, driving down the road, with my student sleeping in my passenger seat. Luckily she was sleeping!
I couldn't help but feel that was my dad. It was incredible. We saw another eagle alongside the road, eating something. At that point, my student was awake and I asked her if she had ever seen a bald eagle before. She said she hadn't, and then exclaimed how cool it was to see one that close up. I almost laughed out loud, wanting so badly to tell her that was my dad. Just like he always showed me things I had never seen before, he was showing her too. I can't wait for him to show James in these same ways that make me laugh.
And now, as the snow leaves it's crystal mark on the world tonight, I'm thinking about my son. My beautiful, beautiful baby boy. With his toothy smile and huge baby blues. And as I leave my 20's behind, I can honestly say that, for the first time in a long while, I am truly happy with my life. Which is not a perspective I have had before. I am happy with what I have, not necessarily getting what I want. I am thankful for everything, including a loving husband, and beautiful, perfect baby boy and a wonderful life. I have truly been blessed.
Saying hello to my 30's was daunting, but now that I'm here, this day has allowed me to reflect on my 20's. Someone once told me your 20's, you spend trying to figure things out. Your 30's is where you finally do. And I would have to agree with that.
Hello, 30.
