Dear Dad

Here's what your death has done to me.

• I sleep a lot and well because I'm always so emotionally exhausted. 
• I have thrown myself into work. Leaving no time for friends, family, or grieving for that matter. I always feel under a deadline and that I have to perform for my best no matter what.
• I feel incredibly guilty anytime I see mom. How can I be having these feelings when she must be having them 10 fold.
• I have thrown myself into books. Take me far far away from here.
• I have no appetite but force myself to eat. The only thing that ever sounds good is spinach and artichoke dip - which I discovered shortly after you died.
• Sometimes I have random flashbacks of you lying on the emergency room table. Or I get this terrible feeling in my heart when I realize it's spring and you were supposed to sharpen our lawn-mower blades, or help us cut ridge cap when we re-shingled our roof.
• I am ornery with my husband for no reason at all and especially when he doesn't deserve it. 
• I lay in bed more often, even when I'm not tired. 
• I'm sad. Not depressed, I don't feel as though I don't want to live anymore. Deep inside, I understand this is a part of life. But why did it have to be a part of my life so soon? That's what makes me sad.

I've taken to reading other people's blogs about losing parents. It helps to know that others have gone or are going through it. It's nice to know my friends care about how I'm feeling, even though I've tried to distance myself from them so they don't get too annoyed with my "sadness." However, reading other people's feelings either bring back some severe feelings of my own, or resentment of other people's remarks regarding that particular blog. Some people seem as though they need to comment, "I'm so sorry for your loss." I get angry at that. 

I had a student tell me the other day she knew what I was going through. Since I know both her LIVING parents very well, I looked at her fiercely and said, "No, no you don't. You have no IDEA what I'm going through." 

The fact that I have to comfort mom every time she calls me crying? 

The fact that I have to put on a "charming" face for my choirs every day, even though I really want to rip my heart out?

The fact that I can't seem to get a grip on when the tears are going to come out? Or the angry outbursts? Or the sadness?

The fact that even after a parent dies, it's not over for a long time. There's still so much to deal with regarding their personal effects and the way you have to handle your family from here on out.

I feel alone, but I know I'm not. But I can't help but feel that way.

God I miss you dad. I miss you so much, it makes my heart ache every day.