Dear Dad

I've stopped counting the days since you've been gone. I don't know if that's because my life has become a crazy whirlwind of time, or if it's because I'm finally starting to heal. But then I wonder, will I ever really heal from this?

I really wish I could talk to you. There are so many times I pass your number in my phone and want to push "talk." There are so many times I wish I could come home and go for a ride on your motorcycle. And once in awhile, I even miss your lectures. Never thought I would have seen that coming!

I really wish I could talk to you about everything that has been going on since you died. It's been so crazy and hectic that I wonder if I've even started to grieve for you yet. It's been so absolutely absurd that I know you would have just shaken your head and said, "Get out when you can." That's what I plan to do.

I miss you terribly at the most random times. Beyond the eagle I saw the last time I wrote, I saw an owl for the first time in the wild a few weeks ago. It was beautiful and huge and right in my back yard! Just like the time I found a random turtle in our front yard, I wanted to call you and just tell you about it. I know you would have been unenthusiastic about it, as you were most times I called you about stupid things like that, but I know you were always glad to hear from me, even if it was about stupid stuff. And it's nice to be able to write this and not burst into tears.

So this owl is just another sign from you, I think. Just another sign that you're still here, somewhere, to show me new things I have never seen before. I know other people will take your place, slowly, and show me other things I've never seen before, but I'll always believe it's just you, working through others that I love just as much as I do you.

I never really got to know you the way that I wanted to get to you know you. Sure, we had our moments, but we didn't have the relationship that I hear other daughters talk about having with their fathers. It's not your fault. You were gone a lot so you could put food on the table, but everything that has been happening in the past months has made me really realize - do I want to miss my kids growing up just so I can put food on the table? Or should I be looking for another job that I can sink my teeth into that will give me just as good of pay, but more time to start and spend with my family. What do you think? You'll have to show me in some way or another...

I'll be watching for you. I love you.