Memories and Feelings

I'm a little late in this post, but what's a couple of days? It's already been a year!

As the year birthday approached, I kept thinking of everything I was doing that day a year ago. The Thursday before you came, I was having horrible cramps, so inconsistent, but trying everything I could to make them continue! I remember cleaning the windowsills, washing the floors in the kitchen. Waiting. The waiting was the worst part.

The day of your birthday, I kept looking at the clock. "At this time a year ago, I was..." It was bittersweet to relive those feelings, but awesome all the same.

It was my seniors' last day of school today, and as I walked by the gym, they were setting up for graduation. All of a sudden, I was back at my own high school graduation, not necessarily remembering the actual graduation, but the feeling of about to jump off into the unknown. I remember thinking to myself, as the doors to the gym opened and the graduation song started, "Oh. My. God. I'm graduating."

Those same butterflies were felt when the doors to the church opened and I thought, "Oh. My. God. I'm getting married." Those same butterflies were felt when the nurse said to me, "We've got a room for you! Looks like you're going to have a baby today!"

I can't explain how incredibly exciting it is to now be able to have those same feelings that I've so intermittently in my life, every day. Every day is a new adventure with you. It's a feeling that washes over me, like it did when I graduated high school, got married, and eventually had you. It's a feeling that keeps me incredibly happy and grounded.

I no longer have to worry about what my sole purpose in life is. Because that sensation that washes over me assures me that although there is no definitive answer, it has something to do with my little blonde-haired, blue-eyed baby boy, who stole my heart.

I love you more than I have loved anything in my entire life. I was afraid to be a mom. I remember telling Eric once that I am a selfish person and it was going to be hard for me to give up my shopping trips with the bestie, my lunch dates, my dinner dates, the $8 glasses of wine, all so I could sit on the couch and be a mom.

What I thought would be lonely Friday nights with nothing to do have turned into relaxing Friday nights, planning what I am going to do with you the next day to make you see the world in a special way. To help you become a good person, understand others, make sure you are a productive member of society. What new things can I teach you this week/weekend? How can I get that look of amazement in your eyes again? And then, in the midst of all that, on my lonely Friday nights, I always turn on the video monitor to stare at your incredibly peaceful face.

I cannot imagine life without your smile. I cannot imagine a day without your giggles. I can't think of life before you. I feel like I have a direction. I have a path to walk. I won't be walking to Pomp and Circumstance, or wedding music of any sort. I'm walking with you. And you're all I need.

I love you, little man.