The Purge

I said to my friend and colleague yesterday during lunch that I could feel myself on the verge of a stress cry. Today, I finally broke. So what better place to purge all of my anxieties than here?

To start, I took a half day. Sometimes, you just need mental health days. But I hate taking them. I see the necessity in them, but I also see the weakness in them. And that's just who I am.

It was a terrible rehearsal today with my Concert Choir. They were ok, but not great. They were tired, I am incredibly tired, and halfway through the rehearsal, I could feel the tears starting. For really no apparent reason. Maybe it was the kids were being ornery, maybe it was because I didn't get any sleep last night. For whatever reason, today I hit my breaking point, in the middle of class. So here I am, sitting on my couch, after a solid stress cry that made me almost hyperventilate to my Teacher Leader, and from there, she sent me home. After talking to my principal about it, which obviously horrifies me. But maybe it's ok to see that I have too. many. things. on. my. plate.

When I started this job, it was definitely a walk in the park. The former teacher hadn't really done much with the choirs, and from there, it was easy to make something of the program. Now, it's too damn big for one person, and I can honestly say I'm struggling. So I'll start from the beginning:

Solo Contest: 
Solo contest is in March. Not a huge deal, but it is for the students who want to take a solo to contest. Which is all 21 of them. So that not only means 21 students who need lessons each week, but also two songs, three copies of each. It means arranging three accompanists since only one accompanist can take 10 students thanks to regulations put forth by the music association. Since we do not have a staff accompanist, that means that I have to find three people. That doesn't mean that I haven't, but in addition to finding three people, I also have to make sure that I can find time for them to rehearse with each of the students at least twice. Trying to arrange that type of schedule is fucking ridiculous. But here I am. Right now, most students only have one song, but in order to go to contest, you have to have two. Which means I have to pick out one more song for 21 of them. Which means putting in the time to find one and make copies. Beyond that, I now have students asking if they can take duets with friends. When the hell am I going to find time to do that? I don't want to say no, but after today, I realize I am going to have to.

The Variety Show: 
I think what really started it all this morning is that I was staring at a group of students who were tired, who didn't want to really rehearse, who maybe aren't a fan of the song we're singing (which I don't know why, but that's the way it feels). And who arranged the two songs the choral program is singing? ME. On my own time, for free. If I were to go the real route of how to do things correctly, I would have hired someone to arrange the music for me. Beyond that, I'm trying really hard to add some different choreography for them this year, to make the Variety Show that much better than last year. Instead, the students aren't "understanding" the choreography. Meaning, they don't quite get that adding choreography is going to make it that much cooler. But they didn't want to do it today. Then I kept having to repeat myself, and from there, I was getting confused because so many things were going through my mind.

On top of that, to make the Variety Show bigger and better this year, I added a Kids Sing! Camp. Kids in grades 2-6 can come and learn a song with the high school students, and from there, they will sing on stage with the high school students. I already have four students signed up, which is exciting, but I wanted a huge influx of students, and that was not going to happen right away. I don't know why I am pressuring myself about it, but I am. So not only do I have to teach my select choir the choir songs at the beginning of the show, plus the one song they are singing by themselves, but I also have to teach them the two songs that they will sing with the little kids. They are easy, and fairly straight-forward, but it's still time in the classroom. Do we have the time, yes, but that's just one more song that I have to plan for. Then, the girls will be doing body percussion during it, so I also have to figure out AND teach them that.

With all of that, I had the most students I have ever had try out this year audition. Meaning, the Variety Show is also different both nights. Which means I have a ton of students who need lessons, since their audition only has to be a part of the song they are singing. Beyond that, to make it better, I am adding drums to some of the songs, and piano to others. Which means I have to get the drum parts and give them to the kid who is drumming, and I have to learn the piano part. Not too hard, but it takes time. The students have to see me several times before I will put them on stage, but if I'm charging $4 and $6 a ticket, I can't put mediocrity up on the stage.

Speaking of tickets, I have to make the tickets, print the tickets, make the program, print the program, get the biographies entered. I have to make four different tickets and print them all. So my Teacher Leader, while I'm crying my eyes out to her, says that she can help me, just share the file with her, which I did. But now I'm sitting here realizing I forgot to put something on the tickets, and now I wil have to email her.

I also have to make signs for the buckets for the Viewer's Choice Award. I have to find the damn buckets. I have to make sure the custodians not only bring the risers over to the high school, but then get them back. I have to set up the sound system. I have to go to the Des Moines Theatrical Shop and get gel filters for the lights. I have to go to the middle school, where our auditorium is, and not only move the lights, but add the gel filters on.

And in all that, I still have to teach the students. When do I have the time to even plan for class???

Musical
The musical isn't stressing me out too badly, but it's still stressful. I have been asking my colleague for the piano/conductor score for a couple of months, so I can get it to the accompanist. But I still don't have it. Finally, the other day I found some time to call New York City and order it myself. Guess what? It will be here on Friday. Not that hard, and yet my colleague didn't seem to be able to do it.

I am in charge of the music, and luckily, the music isn't that difficult. But after the students learn the music, I am in charge of getting the band together. Which means I have to call area colleges and see if they have musicians that I can borrow. Then I have to get W-9's for all of them, and from there, I have to make sure they get paid. But before they can get paid, I have to make sure that I have enough money for them. And why? Because all of our money for the musical comes from the Variety Show. That's why we have one. To fund our musical. So the Variety Show can't flop, or we don't have money for the Musical.

And in all of that, I have to find time to figure out the score and understand the music and be able to direct it. When the hell do I have time to do that?

Honor Choirs
I have 9 students going to two different honor choirs. Not only do I have to make sure that they have their music learned, but I have to make sure we have transportation, that parent emails have been sent out about the information they need to know. And then, I get to be gone from school to accompany these students to these honor choirs. And why do I do that? Because the students want more opportunities. So I'm trying to give it to them. But while I'm gone, I have to make sure my choirs have stuff that they need to do.

Jazz Choir
This year was the start of our inaugural jazz choir. Instead of doing it during the day, which I have done in the past, with my Select Choir, I made it an actual thing to rehearse one day a week outside of school. When I started it, I knew one day a week was going to be tough. But that was all the time we had for rehearsals because the students are in so many things. However, now, we're at the point where we are going to competitions, and the students really want to compete, but I know they aren't going to do well. Why? Because we don't have the time to rehearse. And it's not like I picked terribly difficult music. So now I am kicking myself: why did I do this? Oh yeah, to give the students more opportunities. To continue to grow my program. To recruit and build a name for these kids because they deserve it.

The Middle School
It's been tough. I have a colleague who is also busy. So I have been trying to help her do her job. I can't do it. It's too much. But yet, here I am, giving her suggestions, calling her to make sure she has done this that and the other thing. And still, I have my own program to concentrate on. I have to make time for meetings with her and the administration. I have to make time to remind her to do things. And then, I have to watch the band have it easier because they get to co-teach because their schedules line up, and then I have to watch them have time to recruit and figure out what they are doing. It's frustrating on several levels, and I worry about the state of my program in a few years.

The Kids
I don't think I have to scream from the mountain tops that I have three kids under 5. They are demanding, I hear "Mooooom?" more than 1000 times per day, and on top of that, I'm trying to keep a house clean, everyone fed, fridge full of groceries, and figuring out what the hell my kids are going to wear everyday. Eric has an affinity for making sure he gets his sleep in the morning, so a lot of the time, I am not only battling three kids and a husband in the morning, but I have to make myself breakfast, get ready for my day and get out the door in a timely fashion. Most of the time, I'm late. Most of the time, I get to school, and I have students waiting for me because I am walking in 5 minutes late. Even when I am up at 4:30 because I can't sleep, and get ready for my day starting at 6 a.m. SOMETHING happens to make me late. Almost every single day. Then Eric and I talk about it, and we try to combat it, but instead, something else happens. It's frustrating and it makes it hard.

In Conclusion: 
It's like the end of a high school English essay. "In conclusion" I have figured out that this job has exploded and I am trying to do it all. It's impossible. Just looking back on everything I wrote, and based on the fact I couldn't even get excited about the actual fact that I was accepted into grad school, I am not taking care of me. I need to take care of me. So I am going to delegate and hopefully, that will help the organization and from there, I am hoping that somehow, I will come out of this alive. I'll let you (the .2 people who read this) if I make it.