My Dearest Catherine,
All you do is fucking cry. I don't care that you are a baby and "that's what babies do." You come home from daycare and you cry. I nurse you, and when you're done, and warm, and sleepy and I put you down in your bassinet, you cry. When I soothe you with a pacifier, the very thing I did not want to happen, you fall back asleep, only to wake up to cry.
I can't tell you the amount of times that I have stubbed my toe, hit my shin, rammed my shoulder into the door jamb, all while rushing to your room in the middle of the night because you are crying. Or the amount of tears that have fallen over your tears, your wailing, or your incessant moaning that is more like nails on a chalkboard.
I have said horrible things while you are in the middle of one of your fits and my anxiety is making my skin crawl. I have fallen asleep after nursing you, only to wake up crying myself, frustrated that no matter what I do, it isn't the one thing that you apparently need.
And then I find that one thing that does work. Praise the Lord! Only to find that not even 24 hours later, it doesn't work. In fact it feels like I am running through a list, and each thing on that list I can only use once, and then you are immune and I have to move on to the next. But the tricks on the list are becoming more and more sparse and again, my anxiety wratchets up a notch knowing there isn't much more I can do for you.
Tonight, after nursing you and putting you down, where you fell asleep within minutes, you woke up crying. I vowed tonight I would let you cry it out.
And that's when the panic attack hit. I have not experienced a panic attack in a few years. It was a pretty low moment, as I thought that part of my life was over with. Only for it to come roaring back tonight, while I was sitting on my couch, watching my son throw a ball in the house and my husband answer emails on his phone.
While the mess of my house began to suffocate me. Luckily, I identified it and once again, trudged upstairs and comforted you. Once again, I stuck a boob in your moith, followed by a pacifier when you wouldn't eat. And then I rocked you. And sung to you.
And cried.
I am so. fucking. tired.
Everyone tells me this is a phase. This too shall pass. Hang in there. My baby did this too. He/She grew out of it.
But they aren't in the trenches anymore. They aren't frustrated and sad and tired and hungry for some time to just relax.
But then there are those moments when you are sweet and lovable and that reminds me there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes I have to squint to see that light, but its there.
It's there. Somewhere.
I love you, Baby Girl. But holy shit are you exhausting.
Mama
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Battle of the Body Image: Week 20
Here I am, Week 20 postpartum and although I have lost the bulge, the hips don't lie. I hate them.
I hate that my boobs are too big for most of my shirts. I hate that although my jeans button, my love handles stick out. I hate that my nursing bras cut into my back fat. I hate that my tummy flops over said jeans-that-button. I hate that all my dress pants, for some reason, don't button. Or zip all the way. I hate that I still walk weird because said hips-that-dont-lie are loosy-goosey. I feel unstable on my feet. I think I look tired 99% of the time, probably because I am. I am not as well put together as I could be, because it's either put my shit together or sleep for another half hour. I will take sleep, hands down.
I hate the postpartum body. I hate the postpartum period. I hate the postpartum. Period.
I can't be happy with the 156.4 I saw on the scale this morning because although I weigh less than I did when I fit into those dress-pants-that-dont-button, I don't fit into those dress pants that don't button. Its frustrating.
Each day, I wake up with an idea of what I'd like to wear. And every outfit gets changed because I don't like how I look in it, even though its a skirt I have had since I was a sophomore, or a shirt that has been a staple in my wardrobe for years. That is also frustrating.
I have learned to throw together outfits quickly, cover them with my jean jacket or a sweater and feel halfway decent. But until I can see me how my husband sees me, I will continue to look like a tired, strung out mom with two kids, two years apart.
Hips don't lie.
I hate that my boobs are too big for most of my shirts. I hate that although my jeans button, my love handles stick out. I hate that my nursing bras cut into my back fat. I hate that my tummy flops over said jeans-that-button. I hate that all my dress pants, for some reason, don't button. Or zip all the way. I hate that I still walk weird because said hips-that-dont-lie are loosy-goosey. I feel unstable on my feet. I think I look tired 99% of the time, probably because I am. I am not as well put together as I could be, because it's either put my shit together or sleep for another half hour. I will take sleep, hands down.
I hate the postpartum body. I hate the postpartum period. I hate the postpartum. Period.
I can't be happy with the 156.4 I saw on the scale this morning because although I weigh less than I did when I fit into those dress-pants-that-dont-button, I don't fit into those dress pants that don't button. Its frustrating.
Each day, I wake up with an idea of what I'd like to wear. And every outfit gets changed because I don't like how I look in it, even though its a skirt I have had since I was a sophomore, or a shirt that has been a staple in my wardrobe for years. That is also frustrating.
I have learned to throw together outfits quickly, cover them with my jean jacket or a sweater and feel halfway decent. But until I can see me how my husband sees me, I will continue to look like a tired, strung out mom with two kids, two years apart.
Hips don't lie.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Baby (Food) Maker
When I got pregnant with James, all I heard was how expensive babies are. Don't get me wrong, they can be expensive, but I am proud to say that for our family, babies aren't really that expensive.
Since we made babies later than our friend
made babies, we were able to get plenty of things handed down to us. As in, toys upon toys upon toys. Some toys were ones we had given to their children for birthdays. Pretty funny...
We tried cloth diapering, but we weren't very good at it. I thought I would try to bring it back with Catherine, but I had so many leftover diapers from James (despite an expiration date on diaper boxes, I can assure you they don't expire) that it just seemed natural to try and get rid of those first. So, that's what we did. And we have yet to break out the cloth diapers.
We had a lot of hand-me-down clothes from friends, relatives and neighbors that had barely been worn or still had the tags on it. Don't get me wrong, I still buy James clothes, especially now that he is getting bigger and he outgrows clothes so fast. But we haven't really had to buy too much for our kids.
Lastly, when James was about 4 months, we started him on rice cereal. We gradually worked up to solids and when I saw how much jars of baby food cost, I was not about to do that. I had read about making your own baby food, and decided I wanted to at least try.
Eric bought me a Baby Bullet with all the accessories, and I made baby food for James. Tonight, I made pureed pears for Catherine, using the ripe pears we picked off our pear tree this weekend.
Just call me a regular pioneer woman.
With two pears, I made two weeks worth of dinner for Catherine. Just dinner because otherwise, she still gets breast milk. To get two weeks worth of dinner in baby food jars, I would have had to spend upwards of $1.50 per meal, multiplied by 14. That's $21. No thanks!! Kind of like our $50 formula that would last us a week. I don't think I will be doing that when I could do it for next to nothing.
So there you have it. It took me 26 minutes to steam the pears (put in device with water and push start), a minute to mix them in the baby bullet, and a couple minutes to put them in ice cube trays. After they freeze, I just have to put the cubes in a freezer bag and tadaa! Baby food for a couple weeks. If I have to hardly work over paying money for baby food, I will choose the work. The best thing I like about it is I know exactly what is going into her food. I am not an organic freak by any means, but when it comes to my babies, I am concerned with what goes in their bodies.
Now, stay tuned for how those pears work for Catherine's digestive tract... Another blog post for another time!
Since we made babies later than our friend
made babies, we were able to get plenty of things handed down to us. As in, toys upon toys upon toys. Some toys were ones we had given to their children for birthdays. Pretty funny...
We tried cloth diapering, but we weren't very good at it. I thought I would try to bring it back with Catherine, but I had so many leftover diapers from James (despite an expiration date on diaper boxes, I can assure you they don't expire) that it just seemed natural to try and get rid of those first. So, that's what we did. And we have yet to break out the cloth diapers.
We had a lot of hand-me-down clothes from friends, relatives and neighbors that had barely been worn or still had the tags on it. Don't get me wrong, I still buy James clothes, especially now that he is getting bigger and he outgrows clothes so fast. But we haven't really had to buy too much for our kids.
Lastly, when James was about 4 months, we started him on rice cereal. We gradually worked up to solids and when I saw how much jars of baby food cost, I was not about to do that. I had read about making your own baby food, and decided I wanted to at least try.
Eric bought me a Baby Bullet with all the accessories, and I made baby food for James. Tonight, I made pureed pears for Catherine, using the ripe pears we picked off our pear tree this weekend.
Just call me a regular pioneer woman.
With two pears, I made two weeks worth of dinner for Catherine. Just dinner because otherwise, she still gets breast milk. To get two weeks worth of dinner in baby food jars, I would have had to spend upwards of $1.50 per meal, multiplied by 14. That's $21. No thanks!! Kind of like our $50 formula that would last us a week. I don't think I will be doing that when I could do it for next to nothing.
So there you have it. It took me 26 minutes to steam the pears (put in device with water and push start), a minute to mix them in the baby bullet, and a couple minutes to put them in ice cube trays. After they freeze, I just have to put the cubes in a freezer bag and tadaa! Baby food for a couple weeks. If I have to hardly work over paying money for baby food, I will choose the work. The best thing I like about it is I know exactly what is going into her food. I am not an organic freak by any means, but when it comes to my babies, I am concerned with what goes in their bodies.
Now, stay tuned for how those pears work for Catherine's digestive tract... Another blog post for another time!
Walking on Sunshine
Before I begin this post, I want to say that on this day, Wednesday, October 8, I am not at work. Because Friday night, Catherine hardly slept. Saturday, Catherine took about an hour and a half nap. Eric and I got in late Saturday night and Sunday was the same with Catherine, with James also still getting up at 7:30. The plan was for Eric's mom to take James and Eric out to brunch so Catherine I could get some sleep, since we had been up since 5:30, no dice. She cried for 2 1/2 hours while they were out and about. When they arrived back about 1:00, I was in tears. Sunday night was a lot of crying from Catherine and a ton of crankiness from an overtired little boy. Sunday night was filled with fitful sleep, getting up several times with Catherine, who didn't seem to stop crying. EVER. Monday night was worse, since we figured out all the lack of sleep was thanks to constipation. Monday night was The Night of Marathon Pooping. Finally by 9:00, both she and I were exhausted. I passed out about 10, only to wake 5 hours later to a crying baby. I passed the buck to Eric since I was going to be gone all day and all night at an honor choir Tuesday. I got home last night and could barely keep my eyes open. This morning was the same. Up from 3 a.m. to 5 a.m. I was going to try and power through my day today after my secondary wake-up time at 6:15, but I began to cry. I am so. Fucking. Tired. And I knew I was going to be nothing for my students today, nor for my kids after I exhausted myself at school. If there is one thing I have learned in life, it's that I need to take care of number one. So that's what I am doing. Getting some much needed sleep, and relaxing. Last week, my milk supply plummeted, and I was having to pump 5 times a day just to get enough for two 5 oz. bottles at daycare. Yesterday and Monday were much of the same. Today? I just pumped 7 oz. in my first pump of the day. I'd say that's quite a bit more than the 3 oz. I was pumping in my first pump at school!
So I woke up, pumped, and am laying in bed, actually relaxed. I am still exhausted and ready to go back to sleep, but for now, I am enjoying my day with no screaming baby and no toddler trying to cast spells on me.
In relaxing, I read my cousins blog. She was nominated for the sunshine award and I really liked the questions she came up with. I will be honest, I miss filling out my weekly pregnancy survey, so these questions were right up my alley!
1. For purely selfish reasons, what is your favorite go-to dinner dish? I've long since run out of new, easy, good recipes, and looking to add to our weekly staple rotation!
Well, look no further! My go-to dish is fucking pizzzzaaaaaaa! The kind that I don't have to make. Doesn't really matter from where.
2. When someone asks for a book recommendation, what is the one book you always suggest?
Books? I haven't read since before Catherine was born. Ugh. I have a friend who wrote and published a book that I would like to read, but haven't gotten around to it.
3. Name a talent you have that others probably don't know about.
Wow. Maybe I should have thought about this a little more before I started answering questions.
4. Sunsets or sunrises?
Sunrises! They signal the start of a beautiful day.
5. The best way to unwind after a long day is…
Playing with my kiddos, no joke. Sometimes my kids are the reason I had a long day, but in all seriousness, there is just something about being silly with my kiddos that relieves a lot of stress. I love chasing James around the house. Or throwing a ball around with him - and yes, we do throw balls in this house. I am not going to trade my beautiful Mikasa vase we got for our wedding for a lifetime of childhood silliness a little boy's mama!
6. Any guilty pleasures?
Since I can't have dairy, soy or egg, I have, in fact discovered Lays potato chips. Made with Corn oil, they are on the "yes" list and I buy the Party Size every time I go grocery shopping. I haven't eaten them in years, but damn are they good!
7. What is a character trait you hope people associate with you?
Integrity. It's so important to me that I do what I say I am going to do.
8. Favorite words to live by?
The homily at our wedding was simply a quote by Winston Churchill, which was, "Never give up. Never, never, never give up." I look back on that quote about every day. Especially during some really dark times in my life and marriage.
9. If you could go to dinner with any one person (alive or deceased) who would it be, and what are two questions you would be sure to ask them?
My dad. And I would only ask him one, which has plagued me since he died. "On the day that you died, did you have a good day?" For some reason it's so important to me to know if he was able to have a few laughs, that he was wearing a smile on his face, that he had a good talk and jokes with his friends. And that question might lead to more, but that's the number one thing I will ask him when I see him again.
10. The last concert you attended that you insist others must see, too.
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Or Slipknot. Or Green Day. I loved Tool and Weezer too. This is probably a bad question - I have seen way too many bands in concert. Incubus was excellent as well. Blues Traveler!
11. Your favorite blog post - be it yours, or a post written by someone else.
Either the one about PTSD, where I finally laid it out on the table and talked about my bright orange post-it notes, or what was really going on in my head. Or the one about misdialing my dad's old cell phone. Selfish, since they are both mine, but to write both those out and see the hold I was able to release on my mind told me I was finally healing.
I hope all that read this go on and have a happy, sunshiney day!
So I woke up, pumped, and am laying in bed, actually relaxed. I am still exhausted and ready to go back to sleep, but for now, I am enjoying my day with no screaming baby and no toddler trying to cast spells on me.
In relaxing, I read my cousins blog. She was nominated for the sunshine award and I really liked the questions she came up with. I will be honest, I miss filling out my weekly pregnancy survey, so these questions were right up my alley!
1. For purely selfish reasons, what is your favorite go-to dinner dish? I've long since run out of new, easy, good recipes, and looking to add to our weekly staple rotation!
Well, look no further! My go-to dish is fucking pizzzzaaaaaaa! The kind that I don't have to make. Doesn't really matter from where.
2. When someone asks for a book recommendation, what is the one book you always suggest?
Books? I haven't read since before Catherine was born. Ugh. I have a friend who wrote and published a book that I would like to read, but haven't gotten around to it.
3. Name a talent you have that others probably don't know about.
Wow. Maybe I should have thought about this a little more before I started answering questions.
4. Sunsets or sunrises?
Sunrises! They signal the start of a beautiful day.
5. The best way to unwind after a long day is…
Playing with my kiddos, no joke. Sometimes my kids are the reason I had a long day, but in all seriousness, there is just something about being silly with my kiddos that relieves a lot of stress. I love chasing James around the house. Or throwing a ball around with him - and yes, we do throw balls in this house. I am not going to trade my beautiful Mikasa vase we got for our wedding for a lifetime of childhood silliness a little boy's mama!
6. Any guilty pleasures?
Since I can't have dairy, soy or egg, I have, in fact discovered Lays potato chips. Made with Corn oil, they are on the "yes" list and I buy the Party Size every time I go grocery shopping. I haven't eaten them in years, but damn are they good!
7. What is a character trait you hope people associate with you?
Integrity. It's so important to me that I do what I say I am going to do.
8. Favorite words to live by?
The homily at our wedding was simply a quote by Winston Churchill, which was, "Never give up. Never, never, never give up." I look back on that quote about every day. Especially during some really dark times in my life and marriage.
9. If you could go to dinner with any one person (alive or deceased) who would it be, and what are two questions you would be sure to ask them?
My dad. And I would only ask him one, which has plagued me since he died. "On the day that you died, did you have a good day?" For some reason it's so important to me to know if he was able to have a few laughs, that he was wearing a smile on his face, that he had a good talk and jokes with his friends. And that question might lead to more, but that's the number one thing I will ask him when I see him again.
10. The last concert you attended that you insist others must see, too.
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Or Slipknot. Or Green Day. I loved Tool and Weezer too. This is probably a bad question - I have seen way too many bands in concert. Incubus was excellent as well. Blues Traveler!
11. Your favorite blog post - be it yours, or a post written by someone else.
Either the one about PTSD, where I finally laid it out on the table and talked about my bright orange post-it notes, or what was really going on in my head. Or the one about misdialing my dad's old cell phone. Selfish, since they are both mine, but to write both those out and see the hold I was able to release on my mind told me I was finally healing.
I hope all that read this go on and have a happy, sunshiney day!
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