Holy. Shit.

June 11, 2015

Today is the day I found out I was pregnant with Baby #3.

Karma, you sure are a bitch.

This past weekend, I had a kick ass yard sale. I mean, KICK. ASS. We made over $1500. By selling my baby shit.

I wonder if I would be able to contact anyone and ask for it all back? Maybe put out a Craigslist ad?

I have teetered between hysterics and denial. I peed on one stick and it turned so fast, I thought the stick was faulty. I even became irrationally angry thinking I would have to go back to the store to buy another pregnancy test. So I waited an hour and peed on the second one, and that one turned faster than the first. That must just be karma rubbing it in.

I have no idea when I conceived. I can't really remember the date of my last period. I think it was May 1? Which would put Baby #3 at February 5th. FEBRUARY 5TH. That's not a very long way away. I'm sort of panicking, really.

Here are the thoughts that have ran through my head so far today:

1) Daycare is going to be ridiculously expensive.
2) We only have two bedrooms for our kids. Because, we were only supposed to have two kids. So where is this third one going to sleep?
3) I sold all my awesome baby stuff. My monitor, my baby bullet, my breast pumps, bibs, blankets, CLOTHES. You name it, it's probably gone. Or has been given away. After Catherine, I couldn't shovel that shit out fast enough! Now, apparently, we're going to have to figure a way to shovel it back in.
4) We will have three kids under 4. THREE KIDS. Did I mention that I only really wanted two?

Here are some of the funny thoughts that have ran through my head:

1) Last week, I took a friend's niece, who just had her first baby at 16, to a breastfeeding support group so she could ask questions, make sure everything is all good etc. Seeing all those babies made me sad that we wouldn't be having another one. But now we are. So I guess I can get over that.
2) I was getting excited about the fact that James will be starting preschool not this year, but the following. Because we would have more money, and then I could get a new car. But now I can't. And now we won't. And that's awesome.
3) At least the stuff I gave away, like my maternity clothes, BIG baby stuff (swings, rock-n-play etc.) are with people who will most likely give it back, and then some.
4) I cannot wait to see the look on people's faces when I tell them.
5) If you've ever seen the movie SuperTroopers, there's a scene where the trooper says, "meow" after everything he says. I'm thinking of adding "holyshit" to the ends of my sentences from now on. Holyshit.

Holyshitholyshitholyshit. I cannot believe that we are pregnant. Holy shit.

Onward with a third child, I guess.

June 15, 2015

The past... 96 hours or so, have been a complete and total roller coaster. I have been up one side of the emotional spectrum and down the other, I have taken a nap every day and slept 12 hours a night just to recuperate from it.

I don't want another baby. There. I said it. Our life is chaotic without it. I will have to drive my car another couple of years, when Eric and I were talking about getting a new one next year. We will have a nearly $1700 daycare bill per month. Which, by the way, is more than double our MORTGAGE PAYMENT. I was happy that we were coasting into a happy existence. A couple of friends once said to us that they would like a third child, but they also like having money too. Yeah, we know. We know too well. Money was finally starting to roll in for us, especially with preschool starting in the next year. Not anymore! Not only will we have to pay $2000 max out of pocket to have this baby, but we will have to save up approximately $4000 more for our living expenses for my two months of unpaid maternity leave. Because I didn't carefully plan to have this baby in May. Instead, it's being plopped right down in the middle of winter, in the middle of the worst possible time for my Vocal Music Program, and quite frankly, at the worst possible time for our family. And let's not forget, not only do we not have parents and grandparents that are throwing money at us like our friends, but we also don't have any family down here that can help with three kids UNDER THE AGE OF FUCKING FOUR.

I'm sure anyone who is reading this is probably thinking, "It's the universe at work. You were meant to have three children." I don't doubt that this wasn't meant for us. I don't doubt we were hand-picked by God himself to have three beautiful children (honestly, we have cute fucking kids, let's be honest...). Like I told Dr. Dejong when I went in for my 40 week appointment with Catherine, "I am a fucking champ when it comes to pushing out babies" (and I was right - five pushes and she was out). But that doesn't mean I like it, or that I'm ready to accept it (quite yet, anyway).

At least, with time, the crying jags have been getting farther and farther apart. I'm starting to make jokes about being pregnant. Again. I am starting to find humor in the situation, and hopefully, once I hold that baby (hopefully boy) in my arms, I will never remember these feelings that have been plaguing myself, my marriage and this home for the past four days.

In other news, I can tell you this pregnancy is NOT like the other two. I hardly feel sick, which is probably why I had no idea I was even pregnant in the first place. I am incredibly bloated, already looking like I'm about 20 weeks. I have been retaining water, and my wedding ring is hard to put on, which I'm sure I can attribute to the incredible humidity we've been enduring lately.

I am absolutely exhausted, but I think that's because I'm constantly worrying about how we're going to survive this. Every once in awhile, I get dizzy and a little sick to my stomach, but so far, I can eat just about anything in sight, although a few things make me gag a little. I now firmly believe that it was my prenatal vitamins that were making me sick the other two (other two! HOLY SHIT I AM PREGNANT AGAIN) so I made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow to confirm the pregnancy through a blood test (denial, maybe?) and hopefully give me a prescription for Folic Acid, since the over-the-counter stuff isn't strong enough. I'm hoping that this is all a bad dream, but at the same time, since I have found out that Eric and I created this amazing miracle, I don't want it to be a dream. Because I will be crushed by the reality that what once might have been a beating heart isn't anymore.

And thus, there goes the upswing on the emotional pendulum. Holy hell.

Off to cuddle my two babies... you know. the planned pregnancies.

June 16, 2016

I just got home from the doctor. Not the OB/GYN, but our family doctor. I have realized that with this pregnancy, I am lucky that I haven't been sick. Why? Because I am definitely NOT taking prenatals. So I talked to my awesome doctor about it, and she said that a lot of vitamins that you take over the counter are poorly and cheaply made, and it's ok if you only take a certain amount or kind of one vitamin or another. So with that said, she prescribed me some folic acid. She also asked if I wanted a blood test, not necessarily to confirm the pregnancy, as I would know after two kids if I am pregnant or not, but to see how far along I am. I will get the results tomorrow morning, but I'm guessing I'm anywhere from 6-8 weeks. Most likely closer to the former. Unreal.

I am also very glad I went to the see the doctor, who is the happy mother of Irish Twins. She said staring at that home pregnancy test and realizing she was about to have two children under the age of one was horrifying. She said it was hard, simply because all of the children were so little and they demanded so much of her attention. But, she said her third child slid into their family like she belonged there and they've been a happy family of five ever since.

So while waiting to get my blood drawn, it made me think a little more about how life with three kids under the age of four will go.

James and Catherine, inevitably, will share a room. Just when I found out I was pregnant, James and Catherine were starting to play together. It's been so lovely to watch and I am so excited that they get along (mostly) so well, so it makes me excited about them sharing a room, at least for a little while. Until we figure out if Baby Engels #3 is a boy or a girl.

Sharing a room is not the end of the world. Eric and his brother did it up until high school. My brothers did it up until high school. Our neighbors' kids did up until their son got into high school and they built an addition. It's not the end of the world, and if they play so well together, I can imagine the shenanigans they will get into sharing a room together!

Holidays will be loud and lovely. I remember holidays with my two brothers, my dad playing his Manheim Steamroller, my mom laying out the food to eat before we opened presents. How the living room, as big as it is, was also crammed with lanky brothers, tons of presents, and empty dishes. Wrapping paper would fill the middle of the floor and I always loved the spirit of it. After my brothers moved so far away and then my dad died, Christmases were a lonely, lonely time for me. My heart hurt when I thought about these Christmases I used to have with my family. But now, we can recreate it with my own family of five.

I already have a car that will seat 7. Eric's truck accommodates three car seats of any size in the back. We are set in that regard. And we already have the car seats.

Eric is actually taking two weeks off this summer to work on our house and, if all goes according to plan, FINISH it. Hopefully. That means, we'll have laundry upstairs, a new, huge bathroom (that was our fourth bedroom... damnit), a new master bath and bedroom, a brand new kitchen with new flooring there and in the dining room. I cannot wait. Luckily, I am also taking those two weeks off and will be working with him. Since I haven't been sick, I think it will be just fine. Although I do get tired easily, so we shall see.

Catherine is just starting to improve. She's been steadily improving since about 10 months, but she's really starting to gain speed. Just the other night she started pushing herself up to the sitting position, something she hasn't done yet. She's starting to really push herself and I think, although she is several months behind developmentally, she will be just fine. It's not like there's anything actually wrong with her, she just didn't do a great job in the beginning.

Life was starting to move forward, and although it upset me that I was going to be starting all over with another baby, it doesn't mean that it can't move forward again. All those plans Eric and I had, we can still do, we just have to wait another year or so.

Here are the things I am currently worried about:

1) Daycare. I think I've said that...
2) Three kids under the age of four. I have googled the shit out of that phrase, adding in things like "organization" and "schedules" and surprisingly, the only things that have come up are "survival guides." So... there's that.
3) Maternity leave. As I said earlier, we don't have Aflac, or a teacher's schedule (summer off while still getting paid!) this time around, which means that I will have NO MONEY for about two months. Which means, we will need to take that out of savings or save on top of our regular savings. Awesome. Not to mention, it's about the worst time of year for maternity leave.
4) Eric and I getting on the same page. I have to admit, I am the organized one. I am the one that usually keeps the household running smoothly. I'm the one who makes sure the bills are paid, the kids are fed, the laundry is done (rarely folded though, but what can I say), that the kids get off to daycare ok. I am the one that does a lot of the household work. Sure, Eric mows the lawn, and... plays with the kids, oftentimes when I'm doing the household work, but for the most part, we're going to have to be incredibly organized in all of this. It will be difficult for us, but I think communication will be key to not killing each other. Or rather, me killing him, because let's face it, if anyone were to die by anyone else's hand, I would probably be the one to snap first.
5) James and Catherine. I am not too worried about Catherine because she will still be so young, but James is a mama's boy. I know that he will not understand as much as he did when I needed to nurse Catherine, or when I need some down time. The kid is like glue. Hopefully, as the kids get older though, they will love to play with each other, which will give me more time for the things that need to be done around the house. Until then, I guess our house will be in a constant state of disarray.
6) Daycare. Oh, did I say that already? That's mostly my number 1 right now. Ugh.

That's all. It's been a tough week, but I think I'm starting to finally warm up to the fact that I am preggers. Again.

June 23
It's been a whirlwind week, but after my blood test results came in, the doctor told me on Thursday morning that I could be anywhere between 6-10 weeks (10weeksholyshit!), so she suggested we have an ultrasound so that we could have a proper due date. The earlier that we did it, the better it would be. I was excited and scared and nervous and really, in disbelief. 10 weeks? Seriously? Holyshit.

We had our ultrasound, and had to take Catherine with since she wasn't in daycare on Thursday. She was a gem, of course, and the ultra sound tech asked if this was our second. I replied with, "Oh no, this is our very unplanned third." I was in near tears the entire time, because yes, I am pregnant again, but also because I was about to see our little miracle baby up on the screen. And hopefully hear the thump-thump-thump of it's precious heart.

We were fortunate enough to find the heartbeat right away and it was strong enough we were even able to hear it, strong at 124! It was more just a little blob on the computer screen, but considering the baby is the size of a blueberry, it's not doubtful. It was tucked up against the wall of my uterus, which sounds cute, but when you think of it in all actuality, it's kind of weird. It's amazing that at 6 weeks, 6 days, (not 10, THANK GOD), he/she is just a little blob, but at 10 weeks, which is what I will be at the ultrasound on July 9, he/she will be more than just a blob, but we'll be able to see a head and arms and body. Amazing that so many things change that quickly. I read somewhere that at 12 weeks, your baby looks exactly how he/she will look when they come out of the womb, just a miniature size. They spend 12 weeks forming a human, and after that, they just grow and develop more internal structures. Crazy.

Since the ultra sound tech put me at 6 weeks, 6 days, that would put my due date at February 5th. This wouldn't be a big deal, except that my babies usually come at least a week late, they come fast, and they come big. So if anyone reading this (which I doubt is many), if you have read other parts of my blog, you will know that Baby Engels #3 is due the day before the anniversary of my dad's death. And if he/she comes late, he/she will be arriving anytime during the week that is probably the most horrible of my life.

Interesting that in death, comes new life.

Beyond that, I am finally coming around to the idea that three kids will be a handful, but it will be a lovely handful. As my brother said after we text him and told him the news, he said, "Another, huh? That's good, they'll be a nice, tight bunch." Ha!!! That's for sure. At least our plans are to start James in preschool so that he's young for his class, which means that we will start Catherine so that she is young for her class, which means all three kids will be 2 years apart in school. If we were to start James late, to put it in perspective, we would have a senior, sophomore and freshman, or a senior, junior, freshman. Either way, a good, tight bunch is what they will be.

Thoughts that have run through my head this week:
1) I really, honestly wonder how much my dad had to do with all of this. The due date is just too crazy. It's just too crazy that after 6 years of limited birth control, if that, and not being overzealous in our protection, miracle baby chooses that date, of all dates, to be born around.
2) I am so fucking glad I'm not as sick as I was with the last pregnancy!
3) I cannot believe how bloated I am! Eric and I went to a concert on Saturday night, where I had someone take a picture of us. Needless to say, the humidity, combined with my bloating, made me look like a whale. I am super depressed about it, especially because it's really difficult to hide this baby bump. However, a friend of Eric's just announced their third pregnancy, and she posted a picture of her at 11 weeks and she looks like she's about 20 as well. So that made me feel a lot better. They say you show faster with the second and consequent children, but I never did with Catherine. With this one, I am glad it will be out of the closet before I go back to school. Because holy hell, I look pregnant.
4) We have officially run out of close family names to name our children, and will be branching out. If it's a girl, we are officially avoiding our grandmother's first names (Maxine, Doreen, Bonnie and Norma) and most likely leaning toward aunts/great aunts/cousins. If it's a boy (please be a boy!) we are leaning toward Eric's brothers and my brothers names. I love the name Christopher, but Eric doesn't want to name him Christopher and then have to call him that. And he doesn't want to call him Chris, which we wouldn't because that's not what we named him. We named his CHRISTOPHER. Allan, we don't like, but Matthew is a good choice, but same with Christopher. We don't want to call him Matthew, but we won't be naming him Matt. We don't like Chris's middle name of Lee, and I don't like Marc, but I"m ok with Anthony. I am also ok with Gregory Michael, which is Eric's brother's first and middle names. Also, Johnathan was Eric's grandpa's name, and I am not opposed to that. Eric is also still stuck on Ayn, Stone and Drew, but holy hell, I can't make a political statement with my child's name. I also can't do Stone thanks to the "Stoner" that he will be called (and hopefully not become) when in middle school and junior high, and our families don't have a Drew. When you stick with family names, no one in your family can criticize it. Not to mention, family is really important to us, so it's important that we follow the tradition.
5) I am really tired, all the time. I just want some damn sleep.
6) We are having family photos on Wednesday night. I hope that our kids behave, I hope the weather behaves, and I hope my photographer can make me look 10 pounds lighter.......

That's it. Officially 7 weeks and 3 days today. Onward!

June 25

It's so interesting that every pregnancy is so different.

With James, I was so sick I could hardly stand it. Of course, I was taking prenatals every day, so I'm sure that had a lot to do with it.

With Catherine, I was so sick for so long, not only with morning sickness, but with the flu and viral-induce asthma that just put me on this cycle of illness, that I hardly gained any weight. Thanks to the fact that I was also teaching, thus, up and moving every day, helped me keep the weight off.

This pregnancy, I am so tired and the dizzy spells are unreal. I will be walking along and it will be like I am suffering from major vertigo and I have to concentrate on taking the next step. It totally sucks. I'm sure I'm tired because with this pregnancy, I'm chasing two other kids around, but honestly, I wonder if I would be this tired if I weren't chasing two other kids around.

Hardly anything on my summer "to-do" list is getting done. In fact, I am about to take a nap on a bed full of unfolded laundry. This laundry that I started to fold, but then felt sick, so I laid down, and now, I'm exhausted. Catherine is napping, James is at daycare, so I might as well.

I am dreading this weekend. I don't know how I'm going to hide this very evident baby bump, and I am really questioning whether or not I should just answer yes when people ask me if I'm pregnant. I will not be drinking, but I will be sporting a small bump. Ummm, that, to me, says pregnant. So it will be interesting.

Family photos were moved to Monday thanks to the crazy storms we had last night. I am excited for the signs that I will be making tomorrow. It's pretty funny. I wanted to make a video like I did announcing James and Catherine, but I honestly don't have time. Or maybe I can try something creative once I get to feeling better. But this week has been tough. Hopefully, next week is better!

On to week 8!

June 29

It's hard to believe that in less than a month, we will announce you. If people don't already know. Eric told a cousin, who is more like a best friend, who told his wife, who told a mutual friend, who told her mother-in-law, who has the biggest mouth on the face of the planet. But like I told my friend Christy today: "At least my family doesn't know, so someone will be surprised!"

We had our family photos today, which turned out well, I hope. I think. I wore a flowy top, which will hopefully help hide this ever-growing bump. And it is an obvious bump. It's very very bump-like. Not fat-like. Bump-like. Which I guess I need to be thankful for. It could be a lot worse! It's gotten to the point where my private voice students glance at it every once in awhile (I've stopped trying to hide it, no kid is going to think, let alone ask, if I am pregnant).

Otherwise, Morning Sickness, you are a big ole bitch. Here I was, cruising into 2 months and you have hit me like a bomb. And it's not morning sickness. Oh no, you have me waking up, feeling good, thinking it's going to be a great day, and then about 10:00, you hit. Even after a fulfilling breakfast. And it goes downhill fast. By 4:30 p.m., I am praying that I can just puke so I can get it over with. By 7:00 the past few nights, I have been in bed, right along with my own children. It's glorious.

On a more serious note, I can't help but think this miracle baby is special. Not only do we have a due date that is close to my dad, but so many things have been happening surrounding my dad. On Saturday, since we were home for a wedding, we went to Buffalo Days, which is the typical small-town celebration. We even serve homegrown buffalo burgers!

I was there with my Mom and Leroy, when they decided they wanted to walk home. I knew that James needed to eat, so I got in line for the hot dogs/burgers as they left. A little old man saddled up next to me and without preamble, asked me "whose daughter are you?" I said, "Do you know Mary Dudding? I am her daughter." And he said, "Oh! Tom and Mary Dudding? You're Tom's daughter?" I confirmed and he asked what my dad had been up to these days. It's always incredibly hard when I have to break the news to someone that my dad has passed away, not only because it's hard to say it out loud, but it also puts people in a panic. They usually don't know what to say after that, but not this guy. He said, "Wow! He was a young guy then, huh? So that would have made you pretty young too." I stated he had only been 57, and it was hard, but glad I didn't have to see him waste away in a hospital bed.

"He wouldn't have liked that. He was too much of a go-getter. Being confined to a bed would have been torture for him."

"He always had such a sunny disposition. He was just a stand-up guy."

"So he never met this one huh? (pointing to James)." When I said no, he said, "Aw, he probably did. Someone had to have something to do with that curly hair!"

"Just a stand-up guy. There wasn't anyone I had met that didn't like your dad."

"Of course he died in a field, the man would not have had it any other way!"

And so on and so forth. This little old man and I talked about my dad for a good ten minutes as we made our way through the food line. As we parted ways after paying, I put my hand on his shoulder and thanked him for the kind words about my dad. I miss him so much, but hearing what others have to say about him always keeps the memories alive. He patted my hand and said, "Your dad was one of the good ones. Looks like he raised one too. Take care."

I can't remember the whole conversation and everything that was said, but some of the things this man were so poignant, it will be hard to forget.

So here we are, 8 weeks and some odd days pregnant with Baby E #3, and I continue getting signs that God and my dad decided that two children just weren't going to cut it.

In a week and a half, we'll have our ultrasound, and although it will be a little early, we will most likely announce after that. It's bitter-sweet, this miracle baby, but it's also, well, a miracle.

July 5, 2015

We found out about you almost a month ago, and the news is still hard to swallow. Today, while biking the High Trestle Trail, we stopped at the bridge to take some photos. A lady and her husband were resting on a bench, and she exclaimed, "Oh! You have two little ones in there!" and I replied, "And one more in here!" while pointing to my belly. She said, "My, you'll have your hands full!" Oh, lady, I don't think either of us have any idea.

Today, I googled, "surviving three kids under the age of four." I'm not sure what I expected, since I've already done this same thing. The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well, apparently, this third baby has finally made me lose it. I'm sure my students were wondering when it would finally happen. Or maybe that's my family... or maybe both?

I am showing like you wouldn't believe. It's hard to hide, and looking at me, you can tell I've gained some sort of weight, which I believe to be water weight. Holy Swelling Batman. I can't even wear my wedding ring, and I'm only 9.5 weeks along (ish?). It's getting harder and harder to hide, so I'm not really trying any more. I'm just going with it and if someone asks, then I guess I'll tell them.

I know I had gained some weight thanks to the anti-anxiety meds I was taking prior to getting knocked up, but thankfully, it's only about 5 pounds above pre-pregnancy weight. Which is nice. However, with James and Catherine, I lost a ton of weight with morning sickness. This time around, not so much. I had to go to the doctor on the fourth of July (urgent care, thanks to some other issues not related to pregnancy, but... kind of related to pregnancy I guess... can anyone say yeast infection?! wahoo!) and stepped on the scale, only to see that I am 165. Ayeesh. I am sure the fact that I take a nap almost every afternoon while Catherine takes her nap, and have horrible food at my disposal 24/7, so when I am feeling good, I can grab some, doesn't help matters AT ALL. But I think about when I start school, how busy I will be again, how much BETTER I will be feeling, and how much LESS I usually eat. I could probably start now, but thanks to this mid-afternoon/early evening and LATE evening sickness, I gorge myself whenever possible.

Speaking of late evening sickness, I have never been sick to the point where I can't sleep, but by God, Baby E #3 has decided that he/she is going to make it that way. For example, right now, I feel ill. I have gone through enough months of morning sickness by now to recognize the ebb and flow of it, and I am definitely entering a period of intense sickness. At 9:30 p.m. Which means it won't go away until about 11:00. Which puts me at "tired" on the pregnancy scale (wait: aren't I already always tired?). Great. Can't wait!

Thursday is the magical day for our appointment. Since I can't really remember what I've written prior to this, I do have to tell this story. Dr. Dejong delivered Catherine. I love him. He's very down-to-earth, and is very much our kind of doctor. Tells it to me straight, never gives me anything to worry about, or wag his finger when I gain a lot of weight in a short amount of time. I just really like him. Although the last time I saw him for my post-partum check-up at 6 weeks, the last thing I said to him was, "I hope I never have to see you again!" and he replied with "Never say never!" Considering he's a doctor and I've seen him off and on for the past four years, I'm guessing he will most likely remember that conversation. He's also a bit of a sarcastic joker (don't know anyone like that...) so I am sure he will mention something. Awesome.

I didn't want to be pregnant a third time, but that doesn't mean that I don't want this third child. I am still doing a whole lot of processing, trying to get my ducks in a row, and honestly, keep myself sane with the two children I already have. Juggling that with morning sickness, with rearranging my school year thanks to a couple of months maternity leave, I am really just trying to get my head wrapped around everything it needs to be wrapped around. There are still periods of time where I am in shock, and think that maybe all the tests and the first ultrasound were wrong. Maybe they picked up my heart beat rather than a baby's heart beat. Maybe the home pregnancy tests were wrong. Maybe the doctors diagnosis based on my HCG count was wrong. But then I look down at my bloated, thickening waist, and breathe through my morning sickness with my hand thrown over my eyes to block out light, and stop in the grocery store because I get incredible dizzy, and realize that this is the real deal.

We're going to have Baby E #3. I am the most scared I have been in a long time. I hope my relationship with James and Catherine can handle this. I hope our marriage can survive this. I hope our family dynamic only gets better, and not worse. I guess I just have to have faith.............

July 9

We had our appointment this morning, and Baby E #3 was boot scooting all over the screen! Waving his/her little hands, and boy, you could really see a lot of features. Very different from four-ish weeks ago.

Eric left after the ultrasound because... well this is our third go-round. He knew exactly what was going to happen with the doctor's appointment, and let's face it, he probably didn't want to sit there awkwardly while his wife cried through the appointment.

And that's exactly what I did. I took the typical depression test they give you at every appointment and I answered honestly. The nurse said that since I scored over a ten, they would recommend a home visiting nurse to come and see me. I laughed in among my tears and reassured her that although I am depressed about being pregnant again, I am in no danger to myself or others. She seemed skeptical, probably because I was still crying, but left it at that.

Dr. DeJong came in and immediately gave me a huge hug. I told him I didn't want to be pregnant again, and he asked me if not being pregnant anymore was an option for me and I told him absolutely not. In fact, how can anyone see a beating heart on the doppler screen and then decide to terminate it? I just cannot understand it.

After that, we laughed about the situation I have found myself in. I told him about my reaction to the "faulty" pregnancy test, our limited use of contraception ("I could have told you what was going to happen" he said), the reality that is the fact that Eric is excited about having three kids, and I am at the complete opposite of the spectrum in that I am still in disbelief that I am pregnant.

We threw our photo up on Facebook, and I'm about to take a much needed nap. Morning sickness still gets me every once in awhile late at night, and then I can't sleep. Last night was one of those nights.

On my facebook photo, I wrote, "There are a lot of captions we could put on this one, but #blessed is a good place to start." I've decided that I need to stop telling people, or responding to questions about my pregnancy to those friends and family who already know, in such a negative way. All I'm doing is sending myself into a further spiral, and it's not good for my family, and it's most definitely not good for me.

Am I shocked? Yes. Am I still in a little bit of disbelief? Yes? Am I still panicking about how much three children will cost us? Yes. But are we really blessed? Yes. I sold my video monitor to friends of mine who are unable to conceive, and who have been waiting almost a year to adopt (domestically). I have to be thankful that it is (obviously) very easy for us to conceive, and what it would be like if that weren't the case. I'd probably be an even bigger nut job than I currently am.

God, and my dad, have blessed us with another child. Time to pull myself up by the boot straps, and be thankful.