32 Weeks and a Purge...

First and foremost, I am on Spring Break. With a capital "S" and "B." But it does not feel like that at all.

Instead, I feel like the entire weight of the world is on my shoulders. I thought it was maybe a mood swing, but as this week has gone on, it has only gotten worse.

So, this post is not only about my 32 week update, which is awesome that I'm at this point in the first place, but it's also where I'm going to purge all this stupid anxiety that seems to be clutching my heart a little tighter...

#1) The Musical
At the last part of last year, it was obvious Eric and I were going to try for Baby #2, and since we were 1/1, I thought I should prepare for that to happen again. Luckily, I suggested we hire a head director and I would take the assistant director position. Which means that I have less responsibility. Wrong. If anything I have more responsibility because I'm the person who sees the cast during the school day. So I'm the one delivering messages, sizing costumes, handing out t-shirt order forms, getting props together. The head director is simply... directing. I'm not complaining in that regard, as he is a former student of mine and doing a great job, but he has a life outside of this as well, and I am stressing pulling up the caboose, so-to-speak. I am a classically trained pianist. I am good at reading music. Better than good. It's a talent several people wish they had, and in fact, several times a year I will play the "try and sight-read this piece of music" with my students, where they pick out a piece of music from the music library, and I sight-read it. And every time, I sight read it well and correctly. But this music for the musical is hard. For the first time since I was FOURTEEN I have had to set up a practice schedule and from there, discipline myself to practice. Seriously? I am never doing this again.

Beyond this, knowing that my name will be on this program, I want it to be top notch. Will it be? Most likely. Is it right now? No. And the suspense as to whether it truly will be top notch is killing me. Are the kids really going to get their shit together? Will the lights really work? Is my stage manger really going to remember to call Olive's cell phone at a certain point in the show so that it rings when it's supposed to?

I. Am. Stressed. Out.

Not to mention, in the next two weeks, I will be pulling 14 hours days 3 out of the 5 days of the week. Three out of five, at 32 and 33 weeks pregnant. I'm already fricken tired. I can't imagine what it's going to be like the following weeks.

And then, to top it off, on my long list of things to do is figuring out what we will be performing for the entire student body. I am seriously thinking of asking some students to simply come up with it themselves, and let me know. It's just one more thing on my plate that I feel like I won't be able to handle 100% and I can't handle mediocrity.

#2) State Solo Contest
And in the midst of all of this, we have state solo and ensemble contest. Something that some of my students are prepared for, but others aren't. And I feel like it is all my fault because I simply don't have enough time. I am at the high school for 4 periods a day. Two of those periods, I teach. The other two, I am allowed to have lessons, but only the last 20 minutes of each period. I can't have them on Mondays, because Mondays are professional development and homeroom Mondays, and therefore, class periods are only 25 minutes long. So I get the opportunity to see students 8 times per week. I have 14 going to contest. So technically, I get to see students once every two weeks. That's not enough for these students to feel prepared. Is there anything I can do about it? Yes, I can come before school, stay after school and generally try to be more available, but with the musical rehearsing from 6:00-9:00 p.m. three nights a week, when does my family come in?

Then, with solo contest staring me down, is the fact that I'm taking my Chamber Choir. And I want them to be perfect. Absolutely, one hundred percent perfect. In order to do that, I want to listen to them after I have recorded them. Only I can't find my recorder anywhere! It's a little piece that attaches to the back of my iPod and it's nowhere to be found. So now I have to use a crappy recorder off my computer, and will that seriously pick up everything that I will need to fix? The stress of wanting my students to do well is starting to weigh on me.

#3) The 6-8 Vocal Music Position
Hooray! Our School Board was awesome and in the midst of when other, bigger, metro schools are cutting music positions, ours said we could add a music position. Which will lighten my aforementioned load considerably. But until then, I have to worry about hiring someone to take my place. And not just anyone. Someone who agrees with my mentality, my educational philosophy, and teaches similarly to me. There are a few people interviewing who I know will actually do that, but if we offer them the job, will they accept it? The unknowing in regard to that is killing me. I want the best person for the job, but what if the best person then decides they don't want it?

Besides that, I have to come up with interview questions, and spend an entire day in interviews... up until 5:00... with a 6:00-9:00 p.m. musical rehearsal following. The "Week of Show," which essentially is the week of dress rehearsal. I will probably, most likely, die.

#4) Our House
Baby Girl Engels is due in less than 60 days. No matter what, she will be here in no more than 65 days. That's not a whole lot of time for us to get done all the renovations that we need to get done. This means complete the master bathroom, complete the master closet, paint the master bedroom, and turn our 4th bedroom into a gigantic bathroom. Everything is ridiculously cluttered right now, and although I am used to handling living in this kind of environment, I am getting sick of it. I want to be able to nest, and there is no way that I can do so. It's killing me and I'm ready to simply give up hope that it will all actually be done by the time baby girl gets here. But Eric keeps reassuring me.

#5) My Husband
My hubby is busy. Busy with a capital "B." Leaving not a whole lot of time for our family, or really to get things done around the house. He's been burning the candle at both ends, staying busy through the winter, for which I'm thankful, and getting busier into this spring, for which I am yet again thankful. However, it can take a toll. I feel pressure to make dinner for him after a hard day, even when I've had an equally hard day. I feel pressure to keep the house clean, because to be honet, he doesn't. I pick up James' toys at night, I put the couch back together when James pulls off the cushions. I clean the kitch, load the dishwasher, unload the dishwasher, clean out the sink. Pick up the dirty clothes in our bedroom, pick up James' room. It's been hard on my body and it's getting harder on my mentality. It just sucks because we're both incredibly tired at the end of the day.

#6) Baby Girl
I am nervous about having a second child when we can barely keep up with one. I'm nervous about the state our house will be in, how to juggle the two kids when Eric needs to work late or on the weekends. The other night I was giving James a bath and I put myself into a state thinking about how I was going to bathe two children at the same time. How is that going to be possible?

#7) Spring Break
I finally realized today that I have done nothing for myself over this Spring Break. Sure, there are maybe a few hours at night when I can read, or tonight, I can blog, but I have done nothing truly for myself. I had lunch with a friend on Monday, which was for myself, yes, but also for someone else. I have gone shopping for baby girl, which I enjoy, but isn't truly for myself. I have hung out with James, which was awesome, but everything was for James. Not me.

So truly, my Spring Break has not really been that enjoyable. But tomorrow, I'm doing absolutely nothing. But I'm sure I'll grow idle and from there, have to do something, like clean, or nest, or run an errand for my family. And then, it will not be doing anything for myself.

So I'm going to get a pedicure damnit. I can't get a manicure because playing the piano for the musical has lead to several broken, jagged, gross looking fingernails. But when it's 60 degrees in a couple of weeks, by God, my feet are going to look fabulous. End. Of. Story.

In Conclusion: 
I am putting this imaginary pressure on myself, but for good reason. But I'm doing it myself. And I realized that today. So there was my purge, and thankfully, I feel better. Onto my update...


How far along? 32 Weeks! Hooray! Only two more months left!
Maternity clothes? Yes and I bought a new maxi skirt for the warmer weather coming up too. It's black with a white chevron stripe. I get nervous about any other color, I think. It was only $10 with coupons and gift certificates, so I think that was worth it.
Weight gain? I have our 32 week appointment on Friday, so I'm interested to see. I bet I'm over the 170 mark! :)
Stretch marks? No, amen. I hope it stays that way!
Best moment this week? We did a whole lot of family stuff this weekend. Silly enough, we took James to the pet store and he loved it. It was short-lived, but it was still fun to watch his reaction. I'm getting closer to getting baby girls room done!
Miss anything? Not having to use a herculean effort to move from my right side to my left side at night.
Movement? Less kicks, more rolls. Today, I laughed because it genuinely tickled! :)
Food cravings? Pineapple, and in general, fruit. Delicious. Ice cold water still ranks really high up there too.
Anything make you queasy or sick? Eric's boots. I swear, once we open the windows and he takes those bad boys off, we'll have to evacuate the neighborhood.
Labor signs? Umm, more discharge and Braxton Hicks contractions just today in fact. But otherwise, either I've been too busy to notice, or things have died down...
Symptoms? Mood swings that are some for the books! I'm sure my husband has been really enjoying it.
Belly button in or out? In, still!
Linea nigra? The line has finally appeared. Barely, but if you look really hard, you can see it!
Wedding ring on or off? On, and I'll be anxious to see what happens when the weather finally gets warm!
Happy or moody? Moody.

Looking forward to: Week 34! Because then I will be done with the majority of school stuff, and I will be good to go!

Hapy 8 Weeks-To-Go!

Oh, what a differece having a toddler makes!

31 Weeks!!!!

This mama is beyond tired. I know I sound like one of my high school students when I say this, but can you die from sleep deprivation? Because I think I might...


How far along? 31 Weeks. Holy. Crap.
Maternity clothes? Yes. And I bought two more shirts. But my white tank top from the first pregnancy was dingy, so I bought another one. Then my white v-neck shirt from my first pregnancy has a stain on the belly of all places. And it's getting dingy as well. So I bought a new shirt. Wahoo! Don't worry, the next few months I am sure I will utilize the crap out of them!
Weight gain? I'm almost positive, although I don't feel it. I know I've talked about this weight gain before, but I have to say that I thought for sure I was going to get as big this pregnancy as I did with James. But that is definitely not the case, and you can tell when I do the camparisons! I am curious to see what my final weight will be...
Stretch marks? No, and I'm hoping it stays that way!
Best moment this week? Let's go ahead and make the mo-ments (plural) this week and say SLEEP! I slept! And it was marvelous! Although Sunday night I didn't sleep. And last night I didn't sleep. But the other 5 nights this week - slept like a rock and it was awesome.
Miss anything? My vagina not hurting. Seriously. And all throughout my first pregnancy I heard about this sciatic nerve pain that women get. I now know what they meant. And it sucks. I miss not having that pain every time I get up from sitting or when I walk too much, or when I over-exert myself.
Movement? She is starting to move less and less excitedly and more and more fluidly. I will feel her knee (or whatever it is) roll across my belly or I will feel her get the hiccups. But less and less actual kicking or twitching, though there is some from time to time. :)
Food cravings? Pineapple. Pineapple, pineapple, pineapple. Although last night I shared an apple with Eric and oh my god, it was delicious. I think that might overtake pineapple. Otherwise, the cravings have really gone away and I am just a fan of food in general.
Anything make you queasy or sick? Not that I can think of off the top of my head. Except for ERic when he comes home from actually doing manual labor. YUCK, he stinks! Sawdust, wood, the house/area that he might have been working in, smelly boots. Ugh. I like the smell of him when he gets home from meetings all day or something, when I used to be ok with the smell of his "man musk," as he calls it. Now it's hard to breathe.
Labor signs? Nope, which is a good thing. Although every once in awhile, I will think, "PLEASE START RIGHT NOW!" Like when I'm exhausted and James has some crazy flu-like temperature and hives... such as last night. Some people pray for their death at times like those (Lord, take me now!) but I pray for spontaneous labor.
Symptoms? Oh, just the sciatic nerve pain, the fact that I think I might have a hemmroid (eww, gross!), the constantly aching vagina, the fact that I'm always tired and my belly feels heavy. Like, those kind of symptoms? God, pregnancy is glamorous!
Belly button in or out? In, but after I eat, it's out, for sure.
Linea nigra? Nothing, although I'm pretty sure there are darker spots on my belly. But not a line...
Wedding ring on or off? On until I play the piano for three hours at musical rehearsal. Then it's hard to get off because my fingers are so swollen. It's been years since I have played the piano so much!
Happy or moody? Moody. But less so than last week. Thankfully. It must be the extra estrogen I've been carting around...

Looking forward to: Spring. Break. Although I will most likely spend a lot of time doing school things, I'm still looking forward to not having to get up every day and dress my swollen body. Thank God. And once Spring Break is over, State Contest is over, then the musical is over, and I have NOTHING more to do except look forward to my last concerts of the year, Large Group State contest, and MATERNITY LEAVE!

Here's to 9 weeks left! 

22 Months!

Update: today your daddy had to take you to the doctor thanks to vomiting, fever and hives. You weighed 32 pounds and measured 34 inches! At this rate, double your height you will be 5'8" when you are all done growing! I certainly hope not!

Wowza... I cannot believe you are closer to the age of 2 than you are to the age of one. And oh, my, how much fun you are!

You help out so much around the house, it's almost annoying. I will unload the dishwasher (trust me, your dad doesn't do it!) and you are right there, grabbing things out and handing them to me. Anything I ask you to throw away, you do. You pick up your toys without being asked more than once, you listen well if we take the time to explain things to you, and overall, you are the love of my life.

You are starting to understand what we say, and are able to answer yes/no questions with definite yes's and no's. Do you want a snack? No. Do you want milk? Yes. ALmost it's more like "mm-mm" and "yeah!" with those yes and no's, we can still discern exactly what you are wanting.... or not wanting.

You play so well with others, and are always willing to share your toys. Tonight, we met up with your cousins Hudson and Harper, and you were constantly handing them things that they might want. A cup, a book, a marker. It was awesome to watch you with little people and see how much fun you have with others.

You are a social butterfly, which is where you get bored quickly with mom and dad. You love being around people, even though it takes you awhile to warm up to them. You love chasing after other kids to see what they're about to do.

You hate it when we won't let you do something for yourself. You hate it when we try to carry the humidifier tank for you - you have to do that yourself. You put on your hat yourself, and you always try with your coat, but we're still getting what arm goes in what hole. You try to put your shoes and socks on yourself, but that's a struggle, especially with those big winter boots.

You eat well, always amazing me with how much you put away! You sleep like a log, and if you do wake up, we know it's for good reason and you NEVER wake up. I certainly hope your baby sister sleeps the same way!!!

More and more words/phrases/sentences are happening. The big ones at this moment that I can think of are, "oh, wow!" and "Let's go!" Mommy is too tired to think of wht else you say on any given day...

You listen to well to directions, and when we actually do have to use time-out, which really isn't that often, you learn quickly. SuperWhy is currently your favorite program, and we watch one episode before you go to bed each night. I think it's our way of getting a little down time with our little boy for these few months left before your Baby Sister arrives.

You are starting to run everywhere, you have boundless energy, and overall, you are the most adorable little boy I have ever laid eyes on. I love you to bits and pieces and am always so excited to pick you up from daycare.

You are your father's son. You like to observe, take stock of situations, and then react after making sure they are safe. You think deeply about the decisions you make, and you always know exactly what you want.

You always say you're sorry, you love using please and thank you, and it warms my heart that you are such a polite little boy. I'm wondering if your sister will, in turn, be hell on wheels. I guess we will see!!!

I love you with everything I have, and then some. I miss the days when you were small, but love these days too. I wish I could have one of each, but I know that won't happen again. I cherish these days, even when I'm tired and cranky and don't want to do anything, I do it anyway, because I never know when I'll get the chance.

I love, love, LOVE you.

30 Weeks! 10 WEEKS LEFT!

Holy buckets! It was quite the weekend, quite the week. So onto the update...

How far along? 30 Weeks! I cannot believe we are starting the countDOWN! Wahoo!
Maternity clothes? Yes. All of them. As many as I can stand. And some non-maternity dresses that have empire waists. I'm afraid as the weather is starting to turn and I think I'm going to start getting really hot in the things that I have right now. Time to break out the maxi skirts, but I hate that I'm so pale. I have a feeling my wardrobe, and self-esteem, is going to suffer in the next coming weeks.
Weight gain? Most likely. I've been eating like crap lately, mostly because I haven't been home AT ALL. Tonight, I was home for a whole 30 minutes. That's not enough time to make my family dinner, so off to Jimmy John's I went. Not to mention I had Jimmy John's for lunch on Tuesday because I took my students to an honor choir that was serving a school lunch for dinner. No way I was eating that! So I'm sure I've gained some weight, which is good. Means baby is growing!
Stretch marks? No, and I"m terrified that I will get them this pregnancy. I"ve still been deligently lotioning, and today I had horrible side pains. My colleague mentioned it was because Baby Girl is growing and my muscles are stretching. This immediately led me to conclude that not only are my insides stretching, but most likely my outsides, which will lead to dreaded stretch marks. Ugh. So I'm wndering if they'll show and hoping they won't!
Best moment this week? James. To counteract the fact that Eric played single dad this past Sunday and all this week thanks to Honor Choirs, performing with Tonic Sol-Fa and a three hour musical rehearsal tonight, I've been getting James up early and getting him to daycare. On Wednesday, I woke up exhausted thanks to my 14 hour day the day before, and was in a horrible mood. But James made it all better because he's always so happy in the morning! I'm so thankful I had that chance and wished he would wake up earlier more than every once in awhile so I can take him more than just a couple of times. Usually Eric does it, and now I know why he doesn't mind it at all. It's so much fun. The other awesome moment this week was last night, I had seven hours of uninterrupted sleep. Most likely because I was so tired. Kinnick, our curious cat, was climbing on my bedside table, knocked over a glass and woke me up on Sunday night. I panicked, scared him, he hit the lamp jumping off the table and the lamp came crashing down on my temple. I have a nice little bruise from it. Monday night was no better and I only got a few hours of sleep, so going into Tuesday, it was tough. Tuesday night was horrible, as I woke up at 3:00 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep, so again, only about 5 hours of sleep. So I got home about 10:30 last night, crashed and boom, seven hours of sleep. It was awesome. I felt so refreshed waking up this morning!
Miss anything? Being able to move quickly, walking faster than I'm able to now, being able to romp around with Jame.
Movement? Yep, she shakes it about 9:30 every night!
Food cravings? Still pineapple. I can't get enough of the stuff! Water is still deliious. I've been really craving Jimmy John's, even though their sandwiches pack about 1000 calories (seriously, look it up) and I always add extra cheese and mayo to mine. I could eat candy all day long.
Anything make you queasy or sick? Nope, not really.
Labor signs? Yes, terrible Braxton-Hicks on Saturday and Sunday. Saturday, I tried to get through them by staying active with James and taking him to Kidsfest at the Fairgrounds, but I realized that that doesn't help. HOwever, I can't figure out why I would only get them on the weekend, two weekends in a row. Hopefully this weekend breaks the cycle. There are some things I'd like to get done around the house!
Symptoms? I have been incredibly emotional this week. A lot of things have pulled at my heart strings and I've had a hard time keeping them in check. When at the Surf Ballroom, where Buddy Holly last performed, I saw a tribute to Don McClean, who wrote American Pie, whih is about the "day the music died." I saw it and instantly got tears in my eyes thinking of my dad. Ayeesh. NOt to mention I'm just so tired all the time anyway...
Belly button in or out? In, but by the end of the night, it's out!
Linea nigra? Nothing. So bizarre!
Wedding ring on or off? Easy to get on in the morning, hard to get off at night. I've been playing the piano a lot lately too, which doesn't help...
Happy or moody? Moody. Oh my God, moody. My husband deserves a medal of honor.

Looking forward to: Spring break is in ONE WEEK. I cannot wait. I plan to keep James in dayare and RELAX. Hopefully finish Baby Girls room and get some things done around the house. We will see!