32 Weeks and a Purge...

First and foremost, I am on Spring Break. With a capital "S" and "B." But it does not feel like that at all.

Instead, I feel like the entire weight of the world is on my shoulders. I thought it was maybe a mood swing, but as this week has gone on, it has only gotten worse.

So, this post is not only about my 32 week update, which is awesome that I'm at this point in the first place, but it's also where I'm going to purge all this stupid anxiety that seems to be clutching my heart a little tighter...

#1) The Musical
At the last part of last year, it was obvious Eric and I were going to try for Baby #2, and since we were 1/1, I thought I should prepare for that to happen again. Luckily, I suggested we hire a head director and I would take the assistant director position. Which means that I have less responsibility. Wrong. If anything I have more responsibility because I'm the person who sees the cast during the school day. So I'm the one delivering messages, sizing costumes, handing out t-shirt order forms, getting props together. The head director is simply... directing. I'm not complaining in that regard, as he is a former student of mine and doing a great job, but he has a life outside of this as well, and I am stressing pulling up the caboose, so-to-speak. I am a classically trained pianist. I am good at reading music. Better than good. It's a talent several people wish they had, and in fact, several times a year I will play the "try and sight-read this piece of music" with my students, where they pick out a piece of music from the music library, and I sight-read it. And every time, I sight read it well and correctly. But this music for the musical is hard. For the first time since I was FOURTEEN I have had to set up a practice schedule and from there, discipline myself to practice. Seriously? I am never doing this again.

Beyond this, knowing that my name will be on this program, I want it to be top notch. Will it be? Most likely. Is it right now? No. And the suspense as to whether it truly will be top notch is killing me. Are the kids really going to get their shit together? Will the lights really work? Is my stage manger really going to remember to call Olive's cell phone at a certain point in the show so that it rings when it's supposed to?

I. Am. Stressed. Out.

Not to mention, in the next two weeks, I will be pulling 14 hours days 3 out of the 5 days of the week. Three out of five, at 32 and 33 weeks pregnant. I'm already fricken tired. I can't imagine what it's going to be like the following weeks.

And then, to top it off, on my long list of things to do is figuring out what we will be performing for the entire student body. I am seriously thinking of asking some students to simply come up with it themselves, and let me know. It's just one more thing on my plate that I feel like I won't be able to handle 100% and I can't handle mediocrity.

#2) State Solo Contest
And in the midst of all of this, we have state solo and ensemble contest. Something that some of my students are prepared for, but others aren't. And I feel like it is all my fault because I simply don't have enough time. I am at the high school for 4 periods a day. Two of those periods, I teach. The other two, I am allowed to have lessons, but only the last 20 minutes of each period. I can't have them on Mondays, because Mondays are professional development and homeroom Mondays, and therefore, class periods are only 25 minutes long. So I get the opportunity to see students 8 times per week. I have 14 going to contest. So technically, I get to see students once every two weeks. That's not enough for these students to feel prepared. Is there anything I can do about it? Yes, I can come before school, stay after school and generally try to be more available, but with the musical rehearsing from 6:00-9:00 p.m. three nights a week, when does my family come in?

Then, with solo contest staring me down, is the fact that I'm taking my Chamber Choir. And I want them to be perfect. Absolutely, one hundred percent perfect. In order to do that, I want to listen to them after I have recorded them. Only I can't find my recorder anywhere! It's a little piece that attaches to the back of my iPod and it's nowhere to be found. So now I have to use a crappy recorder off my computer, and will that seriously pick up everything that I will need to fix? The stress of wanting my students to do well is starting to weigh on me.

#3) The 6-8 Vocal Music Position
Hooray! Our School Board was awesome and in the midst of when other, bigger, metro schools are cutting music positions, ours said we could add a music position. Which will lighten my aforementioned load considerably. But until then, I have to worry about hiring someone to take my place. And not just anyone. Someone who agrees with my mentality, my educational philosophy, and teaches similarly to me. There are a few people interviewing who I know will actually do that, but if we offer them the job, will they accept it? The unknowing in regard to that is killing me. I want the best person for the job, but what if the best person then decides they don't want it?

Besides that, I have to come up with interview questions, and spend an entire day in interviews... up until 5:00... with a 6:00-9:00 p.m. musical rehearsal following. The "Week of Show," which essentially is the week of dress rehearsal. I will probably, most likely, die.

#4) Our House
Baby Girl Engels is due in less than 60 days. No matter what, she will be here in no more than 65 days. That's not a whole lot of time for us to get done all the renovations that we need to get done. This means complete the master bathroom, complete the master closet, paint the master bedroom, and turn our 4th bedroom into a gigantic bathroom. Everything is ridiculously cluttered right now, and although I am used to handling living in this kind of environment, I am getting sick of it. I want to be able to nest, and there is no way that I can do so. It's killing me and I'm ready to simply give up hope that it will all actually be done by the time baby girl gets here. But Eric keeps reassuring me.

#5) My Husband
My hubby is busy. Busy with a capital "B." Leaving not a whole lot of time for our family, or really to get things done around the house. He's been burning the candle at both ends, staying busy through the winter, for which I'm thankful, and getting busier into this spring, for which I am yet again thankful. However, it can take a toll. I feel pressure to make dinner for him after a hard day, even when I've had an equally hard day. I feel pressure to keep the house clean, because to be honet, he doesn't. I pick up James' toys at night, I put the couch back together when James pulls off the cushions. I clean the kitch, load the dishwasher, unload the dishwasher, clean out the sink. Pick up the dirty clothes in our bedroom, pick up James' room. It's been hard on my body and it's getting harder on my mentality. It just sucks because we're both incredibly tired at the end of the day.

#6) Baby Girl
I am nervous about having a second child when we can barely keep up with one. I'm nervous about the state our house will be in, how to juggle the two kids when Eric needs to work late or on the weekends. The other night I was giving James a bath and I put myself into a state thinking about how I was going to bathe two children at the same time. How is that going to be possible?

#7) Spring Break
I finally realized today that I have done nothing for myself over this Spring Break. Sure, there are maybe a few hours at night when I can read, or tonight, I can blog, but I have done nothing truly for myself. I had lunch with a friend on Monday, which was for myself, yes, but also for someone else. I have gone shopping for baby girl, which I enjoy, but isn't truly for myself. I have hung out with James, which was awesome, but everything was for James. Not me.

So truly, my Spring Break has not really been that enjoyable. But tomorrow, I'm doing absolutely nothing. But I'm sure I'll grow idle and from there, have to do something, like clean, or nest, or run an errand for my family. And then, it will not be doing anything for myself.

So I'm going to get a pedicure damnit. I can't get a manicure because playing the piano for the musical has lead to several broken, jagged, gross looking fingernails. But when it's 60 degrees in a couple of weeks, by God, my feet are going to look fabulous. End. Of. Story.

In Conclusion: 
I am putting this imaginary pressure on myself, but for good reason. But I'm doing it myself. And I realized that today. So there was my purge, and thankfully, I feel better. Onto my update...


How far along? 32 Weeks! Hooray! Only two more months left!
Maternity clothes? Yes and I bought a new maxi skirt for the warmer weather coming up too. It's black with a white chevron stripe. I get nervous about any other color, I think. It was only $10 with coupons and gift certificates, so I think that was worth it.
Weight gain? I have our 32 week appointment on Friday, so I'm interested to see. I bet I'm over the 170 mark! :)
Stretch marks? No, amen. I hope it stays that way!
Best moment this week? We did a whole lot of family stuff this weekend. Silly enough, we took James to the pet store and he loved it. It was short-lived, but it was still fun to watch his reaction. I'm getting closer to getting baby girls room done!
Miss anything? Not having to use a herculean effort to move from my right side to my left side at night.
Movement? Less kicks, more rolls. Today, I laughed because it genuinely tickled! :)
Food cravings? Pineapple, and in general, fruit. Delicious. Ice cold water still ranks really high up there too.
Anything make you queasy or sick? Eric's boots. I swear, once we open the windows and he takes those bad boys off, we'll have to evacuate the neighborhood.
Labor signs? Umm, more discharge and Braxton Hicks contractions just today in fact. But otherwise, either I've been too busy to notice, or things have died down...
Symptoms? Mood swings that are some for the books! I'm sure my husband has been really enjoying it.
Belly button in or out? In, still!
Linea nigra? The line has finally appeared. Barely, but if you look really hard, you can see it!
Wedding ring on or off? On, and I'll be anxious to see what happens when the weather finally gets warm!
Happy or moody? Moody.

Looking forward to: Week 34! Because then I will be done with the majority of school stuff, and I will be good to go!

Hapy 8 Weeks-To-Go!

Oh, what a differece having a toddler makes!