A month ago, we started hearing two syllable words. A week ago, we started hearing two syllable sentences. "No Boo-Boo (aka Drew-boo)" and "my baby" are among the most common. Instead of staring right through us when we say something, she is more inclined to try to pronounce the word. And every time, whether it's even close or not, we clap and cheer and overall celebrate this gigantic victory I thought we would never see.
You are SO. MUCH. FUN. Gone are the days where you would cling to us and cry. Gone are the days when you would throw yourself against the wall in a fit of rage. You sleep peacefully, rarely waking in the night unless you are cold or want a drink. Sometimes you wake up to tell us you peed, but rarely. Oftentimes, I am more than happy to change your diaper in the middle of the night, as this means you are progressing. You are getting last the horrible monsters that seemed to plague our every moment in this life.
You and James are starting to play together. It is awesome to watch. Your laugh is adorable and you want to do whatever James is doing. James has been a big help, encouraging you to use your words and being a great big brother. I am so thankful for my little family.
You love anything girlie. Purses, phones, dolls, getting dressed up, getting your hair done. It's amazing just how much you have "grown up" in this short amount of time. You are still small, but you are growing UP, and some of those 24 month pants are too short. Your coat is 18-24 months, but your boots are a size seven! You have some big feet girlie! You love picking out your clothes in the morning and your pajamas at night. You have become so independent and it has been such fun to watch.
I am so thankful, again, for all that has been granted to us. It seems as though we have friends all around us dealing with life-threatening illnesses and cancer, and here we are, truly blessed with all we have.
You, little girl, have a special place in my heart. I love you more than you know.
Monday, November 28, 2016
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
The ShitShow: An Update
There is honestly only one word that describes this current life I am living, and it is "shitshow." It's not necessarily a negative word, but rather a word that is synonymous with "hurricane." There are the outskirts where it is windy, and it rains, and there is damage that occurs. And then you reach the eye of the storm, where it is calm and beautiful and although damage is all around you, you can breathe a little bit. Then before you know it, the rest of the storm hits. It's a constant ebb and flow of craziness. Would I trade this life for any other? Absolutely not. Would I trade a few hours for a snooze on the beach and a martini? YES.
There are so many things to update about, so I'll begin with the most pressing, uplifting, and really really beautiful.
Catherine
Here we are, only about a month and a half off of the allergy medicine that really seemed to wreak havoc on Catherine's body and mind, and she is saying two syllable words. Two syllable words. Things happen so quickly with babies, like crawling to pulling up to standing to cruising to walking. But words are slower. Not so for this girl. She has taken off. We hear Christy, puppy, baby, Drew, James, Daddy, Mom, cat, duck, quack-quack, ball, football, mine, more, bye-bye and a myriad of others. It's still very apparent that there are some really large learning gaps, however, which we are working on. She can say several words, but does not understand the meaning of "in" "behind" etc. However, she knows up and down, and signs those really well. She can say all the names at daycare, and although we have to listen very carefully, it's very apparent that she is communicating quite well for having the communication skills of a 6-9 month old a month and a half ago. I would say we are at the 12-18 month old mark now, which is exciting. We are still working on transitioning here out of the Early Intervention Program with the AEA and going to an IEP, which will still allow her to get the help she needs, just in a different capacity. She will then have an IEP when she goes to school, if she doesn't successfully test out when she finally begins school.
Beyond her speech, we have seen a huge difference in her behavior. She is more helpful, wants to play, is less aggressive and overall, much happier. Sometimes, she is absolute pure joy. She makes us laugh, loves playing with James and Drew, and is starting to really understand what we say to her and what is going on.
Since we have taken Catherine off her medicine, I have taken a break from researching what is going on with her, but I do believe there are still some major sensitivities she has, including a lot of food, artificial food dyes, and too much sugar. Of course, no one wants to give their kid "too much sugar" (at least I would hope...), but in Catherine's case, something as simple as a Dum-Dum makes her go nuts. She won't sleep most of the night, and is a bear for a couple of days. Same for when she has any artificial food dyes, mostly Red 40. Blue 1 and Yellow 5 don't seem to have such an effect on her, but Red 40 turns her into a psycho. Seems like a rude way to put it, but seriously, nothing except an exorcism seems appropriate when she has Red 40. So we are very careful to watch her food intake. She also seems to have developed a cross-reaction to grapes (and raisins). I don't think that necessarily means it just showed up, but maybe it was masked by some of the greater symptoms she was showing when on the medicine. So we have cut out grapes and raisins as well. Doesn't leave much for her to eat, but we are managing.
Essential Oils
Beyond that, I have started her on essential oils. Considering most anti-biotics are colored, and most of the anti-biotics we have tried in the past month have turned her into a psycho, I have decided to try and treat things naturally. I have never been a "granola mom" but I was turned onto more homeopathic methods when Drew (and I) got thrush, and I was able to get rid of it in three days with grapefruit seed extract and coconut oil. Whereas the nystantin took WEEKS and a lot of moms I talked to said it never really helped. Our pediatrician is on board with it, for the most part, and agrees that anything that works for her (and us) is a good plan. So far, I think I have treated a yeast infection with it only, but I do diffuse lavender in her room, which is supposed to be calming, and I can tell a difference. I still don't consider myself a granola mom, but I do think that natural isn't necessarily a bad thing.
James
Currently, James is passed out on the couch with a nasty respiratory infection. I have been treating that with essential oils which has helped his fever and cough, but honestly I think he just needs rest. But he LOVES school and is so smart! At conferences, Miss Annon, his teacher, said he is well beyond what he needs to know for Kindergarten. I am attempting to make the decision on whether I want James to go Bondurant or to stay at SEP. I am leaning more toward Bondurant as that is where I work and I would like to take him to and from work with me, but we will see. The only thing keeping me at SEP is that he has made friends there.
I guess we will see what Eric and I decide later.
Drew
You turned 9 months old!!! And you are a bruiser, clocking in at 21 pounds and 28 inches. I decided about three weeks ago that I was going to stop breastfeeding. To be honest, it was very personal for me and I will remember the last time I nursed you, but I AM SO GLAD TO BE DONE. Holy hell, what a lot of work it is and I quit because I wanted to. I knew I could keep going, but I was tired, you were getting a ton of teeth, I was sore a lot, and I was just ready to not have to pump at work. Eric was really supportive, as usual, and the day I made my decision came with no regrets. It was glorious and a pretty easy transition! Goodbye nursing tanks! I wish I could say goodbye to my nursing bras, but I still need them as my boobs have decided not to go anywhere. Even three (or four) weeks later... weird.
You are crawling all over the place, and per my children, you are ruining several onesies as you are an army crawler. You get up on your hands and knees, but you only do that to get a better look at what's on he window seat, hearth, or platform to our stairs. You are FAST at army crawling too! You palm your bottle (full of glorious formula!) and have started refusing any baby food. It's straight up human food for you. Hot dogs, corn, french fries, fruit etc. I thought you might be allergic to some fruit like Catherine, but I think your tummy just wasn't ready for it. Now you seem to do fine with it. You still wake up once every night, drink 8 ounces and then fall back to sleep, but it's so much easier as I can just make you a bottle before bed and when you wake up, hand it to you.
You have hit a triple whammy, right along with James, as you have a double ear infection, you are teething, have some sort of nasty sinus infection, and a boil on your butt (so gross!!!!). BUT you are still a happy, smiley baby, just with snot all over your face and drool on your clothes. It's amazing how incredibly happy you are. You love playing with Catherine or James, and now that Catherine doesn't beat the shit out of you, you especially love following her around. You can army crawl laps around the house, following a ball that you "throw" until you fall asleep in your spot. I love watching you, and miss the cuddles we had during our nursing sessions, but like I have said before, I am ready to be done with this part of my life. I think that's what it all came down to when I decided to stop nursing, in that I was just READY TO BE DONE. I am already gearing up for my garage sale in June, and this time I am actually positive I will not be pregnant while I am selling all my baby stuff. Even though it is physically impossible thanks to Eric's surgery in March, I am going to pee on a stick just in case. The man does have 56+ first cousins, so it's not out of the realm of possibility.
Every time I play a wedding (as we're Catholic, so I do so for our church a lot), I chuckle to myself when the priest asks if the couple will accept children lovingly from God. We sure accepted you, and you are a miracle. You make our family crazier, but you make it so much more complete than I thought you could.
This crazy life is mine, these crazy children are mine, and through the ups and downs, I remember that I am blessed beyond measure.
I love you, my sweet, sweet babies.
There are so many things to update about, so I'll begin with the most pressing, uplifting, and really really beautiful.
Catherine
Here we are, only about a month and a half off of the allergy medicine that really seemed to wreak havoc on Catherine's body and mind, and she is saying two syllable words. Two syllable words. Things happen so quickly with babies, like crawling to pulling up to standing to cruising to walking. But words are slower. Not so for this girl. She has taken off. We hear Christy, puppy, baby, Drew, James, Daddy, Mom, cat, duck, quack-quack, ball, football, mine, more, bye-bye and a myriad of others. It's still very apparent that there are some really large learning gaps, however, which we are working on. She can say several words, but does not understand the meaning of "in" "behind" etc. However, she knows up and down, and signs those really well. She can say all the names at daycare, and although we have to listen very carefully, it's very apparent that she is communicating quite well for having the communication skills of a 6-9 month old a month and a half ago. I would say we are at the 12-18 month old mark now, which is exciting. We are still working on transitioning here out of the Early Intervention Program with the AEA and going to an IEP, which will still allow her to get the help she needs, just in a different capacity. She will then have an IEP when she goes to school, if she doesn't successfully test out when she finally begins school.
Beyond her speech, we have seen a huge difference in her behavior. She is more helpful, wants to play, is less aggressive and overall, much happier. Sometimes, she is absolute pure joy. She makes us laugh, loves playing with James and Drew, and is starting to really understand what we say to her and what is going on.
Since we have taken Catherine off her medicine, I have taken a break from researching what is going on with her, but I do believe there are still some major sensitivities she has, including a lot of food, artificial food dyes, and too much sugar. Of course, no one wants to give their kid "too much sugar" (at least I would hope...), but in Catherine's case, something as simple as a Dum-Dum makes her go nuts. She won't sleep most of the night, and is a bear for a couple of days. Same for when she has any artificial food dyes, mostly Red 40. Blue 1 and Yellow 5 don't seem to have such an effect on her, but Red 40 turns her into a psycho. Seems like a rude way to put it, but seriously, nothing except an exorcism seems appropriate when she has Red 40. So we are very careful to watch her food intake. She also seems to have developed a cross-reaction to grapes (and raisins). I don't think that necessarily means it just showed up, but maybe it was masked by some of the greater symptoms she was showing when on the medicine. So we have cut out grapes and raisins as well. Doesn't leave much for her to eat, but we are managing.
Essential Oils
Beyond that, I have started her on essential oils. Considering most anti-biotics are colored, and most of the anti-biotics we have tried in the past month have turned her into a psycho, I have decided to try and treat things naturally. I have never been a "granola mom" but I was turned onto more homeopathic methods when Drew (and I) got thrush, and I was able to get rid of it in three days with grapefruit seed extract and coconut oil. Whereas the nystantin took WEEKS and a lot of moms I talked to said it never really helped. Our pediatrician is on board with it, for the most part, and agrees that anything that works for her (and us) is a good plan. So far, I think I have treated a yeast infection with it only, but I do diffuse lavender in her room, which is supposed to be calming, and I can tell a difference. I still don't consider myself a granola mom, but I do think that natural isn't necessarily a bad thing.
James
Currently, James is passed out on the couch with a nasty respiratory infection. I have been treating that with essential oils which has helped his fever and cough, but honestly I think he just needs rest. But he LOVES school and is so smart! At conferences, Miss Annon, his teacher, said he is well beyond what he needs to know for Kindergarten. I am attempting to make the decision on whether I want James to go Bondurant or to stay at SEP. I am leaning more toward Bondurant as that is where I work and I would like to take him to and from work with me, but we will see. The only thing keeping me at SEP is that he has made friends there.
I guess we will see what Eric and I decide later.
Drew
You turned 9 months old!!! And you are a bruiser, clocking in at 21 pounds and 28 inches. I decided about three weeks ago that I was going to stop breastfeeding. To be honest, it was very personal for me and I will remember the last time I nursed you, but I AM SO GLAD TO BE DONE. Holy hell, what a lot of work it is and I quit because I wanted to. I knew I could keep going, but I was tired, you were getting a ton of teeth, I was sore a lot, and I was just ready to not have to pump at work. Eric was really supportive, as usual, and the day I made my decision came with no regrets. It was glorious and a pretty easy transition! Goodbye nursing tanks! I wish I could say goodbye to my nursing bras, but I still need them as my boobs have decided not to go anywhere. Even three (or four) weeks later... weird.
You are crawling all over the place, and per my children, you are ruining several onesies as you are an army crawler. You get up on your hands and knees, but you only do that to get a better look at what's on he window seat, hearth, or platform to our stairs. You are FAST at army crawling too! You palm your bottle (full of glorious formula!) and have started refusing any baby food. It's straight up human food for you. Hot dogs, corn, french fries, fruit etc. I thought you might be allergic to some fruit like Catherine, but I think your tummy just wasn't ready for it. Now you seem to do fine with it. You still wake up once every night, drink 8 ounces and then fall back to sleep, but it's so much easier as I can just make you a bottle before bed and when you wake up, hand it to you.
You have hit a triple whammy, right along with James, as you have a double ear infection, you are teething, have some sort of nasty sinus infection, and a boil on your butt (so gross!!!!). BUT you are still a happy, smiley baby, just with snot all over your face and drool on your clothes. It's amazing how incredibly happy you are. You love playing with Catherine or James, and now that Catherine doesn't beat the shit out of you, you especially love following her around. You can army crawl laps around the house, following a ball that you "throw" until you fall asleep in your spot. I love watching you, and miss the cuddles we had during our nursing sessions, but like I have said before, I am ready to be done with this part of my life. I think that's what it all came down to when I decided to stop nursing, in that I was just READY TO BE DONE. I am already gearing up for my garage sale in June, and this time I am actually positive I will not be pregnant while I am selling all my baby stuff. Even though it is physically impossible thanks to Eric's surgery in March, I am going to pee on a stick just in case. The man does have 56+ first cousins, so it's not out of the realm of possibility.
Every time I play a wedding (as we're Catholic, so I do so for our church a lot), I chuckle to myself when the priest asks if the couple will accept children lovingly from God. We sure accepted you, and you are a miracle. You make our family crazier, but you make it so much more complete than I thought you could.
This crazy life is mine, these crazy children are mine, and through the ups and downs, I remember that I am blessed beyond measure.
I love you, my sweet, sweet babies.
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Pick Your Poison: Part II
I don't know where to start except that I am in total disbelief. I am shocked, stunned, flabbergasted, and quite frankly, really really angry. With myself. With our doctors. With the life we haven't been able to give Catherine so far.
Catherine's ear infections started with a vengeance in November. She was constantly sick. Constantly. It was a revolving door at the doctor's office, and we were no stranger to the nurses. Finally in January, after her seventh (eighth?) straight ear infection, which started immediately after she stopped anti-biotics, we were referred for tubes. We got an appointment for mid-February, had her ear tubes inserted March 8. After finding out Catherine couldn't HEAR, we thought for sure that after the tubes, her speech would blossom.
That did not happen. So in April, when we went back to see how her tubes were doing, we expressed that Catherine continued to have poor balance, a chronic runny nose, and it was clear she was not feeling better. He suggested allergy medicine to help with the runny nose (and getting her out of daycare as it was probably a virus she just couldn't get rid of). So we put her on allergy medicine.
She still didn't seem to get better and I remember the day Christy, our daycare provider said, "There is something wrong with your daughter, Laura, you need to figure it out." From then, I went on a crusade.
I asked that we be referred for allergy testing, possibly speech and occupational therapy, and talk to a general pediatrician with Blank Children's Hospitals. So that's what we did, finding out in May that Catherine was allergic to bananas and milk. But she continued to have a chronic runny nose, sometimes made better by the allergy medicine. So we continued to give her the allergy medicine. She seemed better, but not. It was like we were in limbo, waiting for that one word to finally pop out.
Summer was tough, and it seemed as though Catherine began downhill. It was a subtle downhill spiral, but downhill, nonetheless, which led us to Friday. Picking up the kids I could tell Christy was frazzled, and she's never frazzled. She said it was a tough day with Catherine. She was very aggressive, wouldn't stay in time out, and hurt one of the other kids. We have a great relationship with Christy, but a person could only take too much. I pride myself on being able to read people pretty well, and could tell it would only be a matter of time before she finally said Catherine would need to find another place to go. It was a heart-wrenching conversation, and left me pretty upset.
So I got home, and posted on my Moms group on Facebook, which led me to look into the adverse side effects of Zyrtec (which is supposed to be better than Claritin). Here, in all their horror, are the adverse side effects that usually affect less than two percent of people taking this allergy medicine:
Catherine's ear infections started with a vengeance in November. She was constantly sick. Constantly. It was a revolving door at the doctor's office, and we were no stranger to the nurses. Finally in January, after her seventh (eighth?) straight ear infection, which started immediately after she stopped anti-biotics, we were referred for tubes. We got an appointment for mid-February, had her ear tubes inserted March 8. After finding out Catherine couldn't HEAR, we thought for sure that after the tubes, her speech would blossom.
That did not happen. So in April, when we went back to see how her tubes were doing, we expressed that Catherine continued to have poor balance, a chronic runny nose, and it was clear she was not feeling better. He suggested allergy medicine to help with the runny nose (and getting her out of daycare as it was probably a virus she just couldn't get rid of). So we put her on allergy medicine.
She still didn't seem to get better and I remember the day Christy, our daycare provider said, "There is something wrong with your daughter, Laura, you need to figure it out." From then, I went on a crusade.
I asked that we be referred for allergy testing, possibly speech and occupational therapy, and talk to a general pediatrician with Blank Children's Hospitals. So that's what we did, finding out in May that Catherine was allergic to bananas and milk. But she continued to have a chronic runny nose, sometimes made better by the allergy medicine. So we continued to give her the allergy medicine. She seemed better, but not. It was like we were in limbo, waiting for that one word to finally pop out.
Summer was tough, and it seemed as though Catherine began downhill. It was a subtle downhill spiral, but downhill, nonetheless, which led us to Friday. Picking up the kids I could tell Christy was frazzled, and she's never frazzled. She said it was a tough day with Catherine. She was very aggressive, wouldn't stay in time out, and hurt one of the other kids. We have a great relationship with Christy, but a person could only take too much. I pride myself on being able to read people pretty well, and could tell it would only be a matter of time before she finally said Catherine would need to find another place to go. It was a heart-wrenching conversation, and left me pretty upset.
So I got home, and posted on my Moms group on Facebook, which led me to look into the adverse side effects of Zyrtec (which is supposed to be better than Claritin). Here, in all their horror, are the adverse side effects that usually affect less than two percent of people taking this allergy medicine:
- Anger (inconsolable temper tantrums)
- Moodiness
- Night terrors (or increased night terrors)
- Hallucinations
- Confusion
- Drowsiness
- Loss of appetite
- Decreased urine output
- Rash
- Flushing of the face and extremities
- Stuttering
- Apraxia of speech
- Loss of speech or aural motor skills
- Loss of gross and fine motor skills (particularly in gait and hands)
- Emotional numbness (lack of empathy)
- Irrational
- Self-Harm (hitting self, banging head)
- Anxiousness
- Withdrawn
- OCD tendencies (irrational perceptions of routine)
- ADHD or Hyperactivity
- Hyperfocus
- Autistic tendencies
- Anxiety
- Tics, such as involuntary shoulder shrugging
- Craving for salt
Twenty-three fucked up side effects that less than two percent of the population might suffer from when taking this medicine.
My daughter suffered from approximately 20.
That is stunning. Looking back on these side effects and what we have been through, I have no doubt in my mind that Catherine, when shaking and screaming in her crib at 3:00 a.m., screaming for us to not leave her room, that she was hallucinating, after waking from a night terror.
So 7:30 a.m. I emailed our family practitioner, who had no idea these could be possible side effects. Today, at the University of Iowa Hospitals, I told the speech pathologist our story, and she said she had no idea the side effects. I talked to our speech pathologist from the AEA, and she had no idea these were possible side effects. The occupational therapist who evaluated Catherine today had no idea these were possible side effects.
So had this random mother, who I do not know, not commented on my random post on Facebook, how long would this have gone on? And what's even scarier: some of these effects won't go away if you take this medicine too long.
So here we are, on Day 4 of No Allergy Medicine and the difference I have seen in Catherine is remarkable. She should be studied by the medical field.
She is no longer saying "hmm hmm hmm" every two seconds. She is signing with greater ease than I have ever heard. She is saying "ba" for ball, "mo" for more, "oh" in reply to something I say to her, "ow" when she is hurt, "wow" when something fascinates her, "whoa" when caught off guard. And this is only in three days, as Saturday we only started hearing some more vocalizations from her. Sunday, her vocabulary exploded.
It seems like she understands when we talk to her, she understands time-out, us telling her "no" to something doesn't cause her to throw herself down on the ground and kick herself with her feet. She has been sleeping through the night, including sleeping while Drew is not (which has been a lot and it has been rough, let me tell you!), she has been eating a ton more, drinking a ton more water, and overall, is very happy. She has been laughing, more calm, MUCH less aggressive (although she's 2.5, so we can only expect so much), and it's like I have my little girl back.
I am relieved, but it still seems like when I tell people, it's not really that believable. But trust me, if you would have seen what we have been experiencing, and the little girl that I have had the past few days, you would be so astonished, you'd be writing a blog post about it too.
I have my little girl back. My little girlie girl with the funny saunter, the pigtails, the silly smile. You are mine, and you are beautiful, and I am so glad I finally fought for you this long. You so deserve to be happy, and our family is happier because of it.
I love you, little girl, and I am so glad we seem to finally be moving forward.
Friday, September 16, 2016
Pick Your Poison
Oh, sweet Catherine.
I said I was put on this earth to be the best damn mother I could be for you, and I have not stopped.
I eat, sleep and breathe thinking about what I can do to help you. I am continually trying one thing or another in an effort to move you forward. I think about how to help you when I wake up. It's the last thing I think about when I go to bed. I talk to at least one person about it every day. Either your speech pathologist (either one, as we're seeing two), or the occupational therapist. It's either an email to the area education agency, or a phone call to the doctor.
It seems like I am constantly saying, "I wonder if it's..." and then off I go, on another tangent, trying to figure out what is going on with my little girl.
I google the shit out of just about anything I think of. I am a mother obsessed with putting some sort of label on this.
A chronic runny nose is not normal. Aggressive behavior is not normal. Not speaking at the age of 2.5, save a few words, may be normal, but not the humming noise you make. Not the appearance and subsequent disappearance of certain words, that are actually quite difficult to say.
We have heard so many words, only to not hear them again. James, snack, tickle, popcorn, chair, dog, cat, quack-quack. They are so clear, and they give us so much hope, and then they disappear just as quickly as they came out of your beautiful mouth. I feel like I am in a constant push and pull, two steps forward, sometimes one step back, sometimes three.
Sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with a little girl on the brink of toddlerhood. Just the other night, you demanded that you sleep on the floor of your room. No matter what, you crawled out of your crib and WOULD NOT go back in. You continued to crawl out, even when we would put you back in. You screamed about it. You threw yourself against the door. And then, all of a sudden, I am dealing with an inconsolable child who is more like a 1 year old. It's like I cannot win.
I have glimpses of the little girl that you could be. You are constantly making sure that Drew has a blanket and a pacifier. If you find one, you immediately take it to him, or bring it Eric or me. You have such a love for Drew, but in the same second, you will lovingly put it in his mouth and then hit him, hard, in the head. Then we'll put you in time out, only for you to get out of time out and immediately do it again. And that's when my hope is dashed and the light goes out.
What the fuck can we do to help you?!
I wish you could tell us this answer, but instead, you hum and you sign and you throw temper tantrums. You guide us by the hand to what you want, you point to some of your pictures, but it's so inconsistent that I'm not sure it's even helping. We see two speech therapists and we are about to start occupational therapy. We have been to the University of Iowa Center for Disabilities and Development and I talk to your daycare provider nearly every day about "how Catherine's day was." Normally, it's a terrible report, and once again, even if it was a good day, there was something that was not normal about your day. A temper tantrum where you hit yourself in the head with your hands. A toy thrown at a little boy, and when it didn't hit him, you took it and bashed it against his head. I have talked to the Special Education teacher at my school. I put your little hand against my mouth to help you feel my lips move as I say easy words such as "pop" and "dog" and "cat." We are going to the allergist again to get a second opinion. I am constantly on the mom Facebook groups, asking questions, getting ambiguous replies that lead me in yet another direction, looking for another cure to help my daughter.
And yet, here we are. You say "Ma" "Da" "Yah" and "No." But the only consistent words are ma and da. Yah sometimes comes out so blurred that I have to ask you to reiterate it. Only for it to sound even different than the first time. So then I have to take your little hand and ask you to show me. And sometimes you do. And sometimes you throw yourself down on the ground and throw your legs up so hard in your temper tantrum you hit yourself in the face with your feet.
I have poured over the MRI results, looking for more things on Google that will give me some answer. I have poured over your doctor's results, and the notes they have made. I am constantly thinking about what I can do to help you.
Yet nothing seems to help.
I absolutely WILL NOT give up on you. There is a sweet little girl in there, and I see glimpses of you when you're not shoving Drew's head into the ground so hard he gets carpet burn on his nose and lips. You love pushing the baby in your stroller. You wrap her up and pretend to "feed" her like you have seen me nursing Drew. You love your purse, and your fake phone, and you carry it around while you push your stroller and those moments are the ones that make me love having a little girl. You love going shopping with me. You love riding in the stroller, or the car, or being chased by James remote control truck. You love to laugh and James is the best at making you do so, when you're not running at him, screaming and flailing your arms.
So tonight, in yet what feels like another last-ditch effort, I asked a mom's group about how you seem to be a nightmare when you aren't taking your allergy medicine, but when we put you on it, you are so much better. But not that much better. When you don't take allergy medicine, it's very obvious you don't feel well. And when you don't feel well, you have a different kind of temper tantrum, and you want to be held all the time, and your eyes are glassy and you are more tired. When you are on your allergy medicine, you are unpleasant, aggressive, and honestly, not very pleasant to be around.
I never thought I would say that one of my kids wasn't very pleasant to be around. But here I am. Words straight from my own mouth.
So in posting this, I obviously got a reply, which simply told me to look at the side effects of allergy medicine like Claritin and Zyrtec. And guess what I got in all my Google research? "Side effects consist of: aggression, hyperactivity, generally unfocused and trouble sleeping."
What the fuck?
Why would anyone leave this out when suggesting that you give this medicine to a CHILD, which happens to only be 32 inches tall and 25 pounds? I have been giving her this medicine for almost a year.
I just talked to a doctor at the University of Iowa, for God's sake, that said we need to look at a behavioral specialist and recommended a place we can call to help with her aggression. Why wouldn't someone say, "have you looked at the side effects of the medicine you have been giving her for almost a year?"
I guess maybe as a mom, that was my job, and with hindsight 20/20, I will be doing that in the future. I am shocked that this didn't come up sooner, but like I said, I am always grasping at straws.
So in the morning, I will wake up thinking about how to help Catherine. And I will go to the store and pick up yet another allergy medicine to see if that will help. And again, here is another glimmer of hope.
Maybe this will be it...
I try not to get my hopes up, but it's hard. You want so badly for your child to be successful. I want her to grow up and be smart and funny and for her to find someone and fall in love and plan and wedding and have children of her own. Every parent wishes this, and every child deserves this.
I want so badly for Catherine to experience the joy of childhood. And I try so hard to create it for her, even though I am so tired all the time, and I work full time, and here I am at 9:00 p.m. on a Friday night baking donut muffins so when she wakes up in the morning, I can tell her we are having "cupcakes" for breakfast. And I will see the light in her eyes and her smile and hear her laugh and she and James race downstairs, only to see the donut muffins laying on the floor, or strewn in crumbs across the table, or even better, smashed into her mouth only to spit back out all over the front of her.
There is nothing wrong with my child, but there is. I am determined to find out. I have given up making baby food for Drew because two nights a week, I am taking Catherine to therapy. I have given up taking James to his piano lessons because the only night that worked for one of Catherine's therapies was the same night, same time. I have almost given up breastfeeding Drew so that I can focus my energies on Catherine.
But in the end, I also have to focus my energies on my other children, because they need me too. So I am constantly trying to find that quiet moment with Drew while I nurse him in our bedroom upstairs with the door closed so Catherine won't come over and hit him on the head. I try to find that quiet snuggle with James on the couch while Catherine is sleeping, even though James shouldn't be watching that much TV.
It's hard to balance a life when you have a child who needs so much from you. I am exhausted.
But tomorrow is another day that will be filled with little moments that will remind me to keep fighting. And fight, I will. Because I was put on this earth to be the best mother to Catherine that I could possibly be.
And I will be the best damn mother to Catherine that I can possibly be.
I said I was put on this earth to be the best damn mother I could be for you, and I have not stopped.
I eat, sleep and breathe thinking about what I can do to help you. I am continually trying one thing or another in an effort to move you forward. I think about how to help you when I wake up. It's the last thing I think about when I go to bed. I talk to at least one person about it every day. Either your speech pathologist (either one, as we're seeing two), or the occupational therapist. It's either an email to the area education agency, or a phone call to the doctor.
It seems like I am constantly saying, "I wonder if it's..." and then off I go, on another tangent, trying to figure out what is going on with my little girl.
I google the shit out of just about anything I think of. I am a mother obsessed with putting some sort of label on this.
A chronic runny nose is not normal. Aggressive behavior is not normal. Not speaking at the age of 2.5, save a few words, may be normal, but not the humming noise you make. Not the appearance and subsequent disappearance of certain words, that are actually quite difficult to say.
We have heard so many words, only to not hear them again. James, snack, tickle, popcorn, chair, dog, cat, quack-quack. They are so clear, and they give us so much hope, and then they disappear just as quickly as they came out of your beautiful mouth. I feel like I am in a constant push and pull, two steps forward, sometimes one step back, sometimes three.
Sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with a little girl on the brink of toddlerhood. Just the other night, you demanded that you sleep on the floor of your room. No matter what, you crawled out of your crib and WOULD NOT go back in. You continued to crawl out, even when we would put you back in. You screamed about it. You threw yourself against the door. And then, all of a sudden, I am dealing with an inconsolable child who is more like a 1 year old. It's like I cannot win.
I have glimpses of the little girl that you could be. You are constantly making sure that Drew has a blanket and a pacifier. If you find one, you immediately take it to him, or bring it Eric or me. You have such a love for Drew, but in the same second, you will lovingly put it in his mouth and then hit him, hard, in the head. Then we'll put you in time out, only for you to get out of time out and immediately do it again. And that's when my hope is dashed and the light goes out.
What the fuck can we do to help you?!
I wish you could tell us this answer, but instead, you hum and you sign and you throw temper tantrums. You guide us by the hand to what you want, you point to some of your pictures, but it's so inconsistent that I'm not sure it's even helping. We see two speech therapists and we are about to start occupational therapy. We have been to the University of Iowa Center for Disabilities and Development and I talk to your daycare provider nearly every day about "how Catherine's day was." Normally, it's a terrible report, and once again, even if it was a good day, there was something that was not normal about your day. A temper tantrum where you hit yourself in the head with your hands. A toy thrown at a little boy, and when it didn't hit him, you took it and bashed it against his head. I have talked to the Special Education teacher at my school. I put your little hand against my mouth to help you feel my lips move as I say easy words such as "pop" and "dog" and "cat." We are going to the allergist again to get a second opinion. I am constantly on the mom Facebook groups, asking questions, getting ambiguous replies that lead me in yet another direction, looking for another cure to help my daughter.
And yet, here we are. You say "Ma" "Da" "Yah" and "No." But the only consistent words are ma and da. Yah sometimes comes out so blurred that I have to ask you to reiterate it. Only for it to sound even different than the first time. So then I have to take your little hand and ask you to show me. And sometimes you do. And sometimes you throw yourself down on the ground and throw your legs up so hard in your temper tantrum you hit yourself in the face with your feet.
I have poured over the MRI results, looking for more things on Google that will give me some answer. I have poured over your doctor's results, and the notes they have made. I am constantly thinking about what I can do to help you.
Yet nothing seems to help.
I absolutely WILL NOT give up on you. There is a sweet little girl in there, and I see glimpses of you when you're not shoving Drew's head into the ground so hard he gets carpet burn on his nose and lips. You love pushing the baby in your stroller. You wrap her up and pretend to "feed" her like you have seen me nursing Drew. You love your purse, and your fake phone, and you carry it around while you push your stroller and those moments are the ones that make me love having a little girl. You love going shopping with me. You love riding in the stroller, or the car, or being chased by James remote control truck. You love to laugh and James is the best at making you do so, when you're not running at him, screaming and flailing your arms.
So tonight, in yet what feels like another last-ditch effort, I asked a mom's group about how you seem to be a nightmare when you aren't taking your allergy medicine, but when we put you on it, you are so much better. But not that much better. When you don't take allergy medicine, it's very obvious you don't feel well. And when you don't feel well, you have a different kind of temper tantrum, and you want to be held all the time, and your eyes are glassy and you are more tired. When you are on your allergy medicine, you are unpleasant, aggressive, and honestly, not very pleasant to be around.
I never thought I would say that one of my kids wasn't very pleasant to be around. But here I am. Words straight from my own mouth.
So in posting this, I obviously got a reply, which simply told me to look at the side effects of allergy medicine like Claritin and Zyrtec. And guess what I got in all my Google research? "Side effects consist of: aggression, hyperactivity, generally unfocused and trouble sleeping."
What the fuck?
Why would anyone leave this out when suggesting that you give this medicine to a CHILD, which happens to only be 32 inches tall and 25 pounds? I have been giving her this medicine for almost a year.
I just talked to a doctor at the University of Iowa, for God's sake, that said we need to look at a behavioral specialist and recommended a place we can call to help with her aggression. Why wouldn't someone say, "have you looked at the side effects of the medicine you have been giving her for almost a year?"
I guess maybe as a mom, that was my job, and with hindsight 20/20, I will be doing that in the future. I am shocked that this didn't come up sooner, but like I said, I am always grasping at straws.
So in the morning, I will wake up thinking about how to help Catherine. And I will go to the store and pick up yet another allergy medicine to see if that will help. And again, here is another glimmer of hope.
Maybe this will be it...
I try not to get my hopes up, but it's hard. You want so badly for your child to be successful. I want her to grow up and be smart and funny and for her to find someone and fall in love and plan and wedding and have children of her own. Every parent wishes this, and every child deserves this.
I want so badly for Catherine to experience the joy of childhood. And I try so hard to create it for her, even though I am so tired all the time, and I work full time, and here I am at 9:00 p.m. on a Friday night baking donut muffins so when she wakes up in the morning, I can tell her we are having "cupcakes" for breakfast. And I will see the light in her eyes and her smile and hear her laugh and she and James race downstairs, only to see the donut muffins laying on the floor, or strewn in crumbs across the table, or even better, smashed into her mouth only to spit back out all over the front of her.
There is nothing wrong with my child, but there is. I am determined to find out. I have given up making baby food for Drew because two nights a week, I am taking Catherine to therapy. I have given up taking James to his piano lessons because the only night that worked for one of Catherine's therapies was the same night, same time. I have almost given up breastfeeding Drew so that I can focus my energies on Catherine.
But in the end, I also have to focus my energies on my other children, because they need me too. So I am constantly trying to find that quiet moment with Drew while I nurse him in our bedroom upstairs with the door closed so Catherine won't come over and hit him on the head. I try to find that quiet snuggle with James on the couch while Catherine is sleeping, even though James shouldn't be watching that much TV.
It's hard to balance a life when you have a child who needs so much from you. I am exhausted.
But tomorrow is another day that will be filled with little moments that will remind me to keep fighting. And fight, I will. Because I was put on this earth to be the best mother to Catherine that I could possibly be.
And I will be the best damn mother to Catherine that I can possibly be.
7 Months!
Sorry, sweet boy, but your six month post was missed thanks to two incredibly busy parents. But we love you!
You are absolutely so sweet. Your smile lights up your entire face, and you love watching everything! You are army crawling (this must be a trait of all my children as all army crawled for a long time before actually crawling), sitting up on your own, sitting in your high chair (good-bye bumbo!), and sleeping in your crib. Although you aren't really sleeping, but we will get to that in a second.
A few weeks ago, we finally started you on solid foods. We tried around 5 months because I just felt you were ready. You weren't sitting up on your own, but you had the pincer grasp and you were definitely interested. So we started you on peaches.
And you screamed, and you screamed, and you screamed. So after a week, I thought you weren't ready. So back to breastfeeding exclusively, and you were so much better. Started sleeping with only one night waking, and from there, I slowly reintroduced fruits (to help with your constipation...) only to again, have sleepless nights. To the point where it reminded me of Catherine's earlier days. During the day you were pretty sweet, but at night, you were a nightmare.
So I started keeping track, and guess what? We only fed you fruits, to help with constipation, and then you were up all night, screaming and kicking and crying and wouldn't calm down unless I nursed you.
From there, I noticed the trend and went right to veggies. Problem solved. Sort of. You're still kind of constipated, and it seems as though you have the same reaction when you have carrots. Sweet potatoes, squash and peas are ok, so that's what we give you. And that's ONLY what we give you for the time being.
I am not convinced there is an allergy there, much like Catherine. We have an appointment with an allergist, and I'm guessing that with that appointment will come some sort of weird fruit diagnosis, like Catherine's. I guess we will see.
Sleep is fleeting, and although I do NOT prefer co-sleeping, you usually end up in our bed because I have to nurse you in the middle of the night. There are about three hours every night where you will nurse every half hour to 45 minutes. It's rough. Finally, about 4:30-5:00 I move you back to your crib, and we have to wake you up to leave for daycare. It's an interesting schedule, but hopefully, not an infinite one. Because this mama needs sleep!!!
Beyond that, you have no idea how excited I am that you are starting to grow out of things. We have ditched the baby swing, the bumbo, the pack-n-play. We bought you a crib a month ago (only to have Catherine demand that she stop sleeping in hers earlier this week, so that's awesome...) and you have been sharing a room with James.
You love chasing the cat, watching your brother and sister chase each other around the house, and of course, laughing. You laugh so much, all the time, and it's awesome. It reminds me how precious children are. You, sir, are most definitely precious.
You are so easy-going, and travel well. You are always up for adventure, which makes the transition into a family of 5 so much easier than I thought it was going to be. I was paranoid, scared and really didn't want to be a family of 5, but I can't imagine it any other way. You are one of the three best things to every happen to me.
We are still nursing, and I am following your lead. We went from exclusively nursing a month ago, to now nursing about 4 times a day, and that weird three hour stint overnight. For having such issues with producing enough milk for Catherine, I sure am a cow! I don't overproduce by any means, but I am not stressed about providing enough milk for you. The other day, I was pumping at work and felt my pants getting wet - low and behold I have over pumped into the bottle, and it was spilling out the top. It was fun explaining that to the student who saw me ten minutes later and asked if I had spilled something.
So here we go. You are interested in your toys, you love your Gerber puffs, and you especially love cuddles. I am not a cuddler, but for you, little boy, I can be for a bit.
I love what you have done for our family, and I am so thankful we were blessed with you.
You are absolutely so sweet. Your smile lights up your entire face, and you love watching everything! You are army crawling (this must be a trait of all my children as all army crawled for a long time before actually crawling), sitting up on your own, sitting in your high chair (good-bye bumbo!), and sleeping in your crib. Although you aren't really sleeping, but we will get to that in a second.
A few weeks ago, we finally started you on solid foods. We tried around 5 months because I just felt you were ready. You weren't sitting up on your own, but you had the pincer grasp and you were definitely interested. So we started you on peaches.
And you screamed, and you screamed, and you screamed. So after a week, I thought you weren't ready. So back to breastfeeding exclusively, and you were so much better. Started sleeping with only one night waking, and from there, I slowly reintroduced fruits (to help with your constipation...) only to again, have sleepless nights. To the point where it reminded me of Catherine's earlier days. During the day you were pretty sweet, but at night, you were a nightmare.
So I started keeping track, and guess what? We only fed you fruits, to help with constipation, and then you were up all night, screaming and kicking and crying and wouldn't calm down unless I nursed you.
From there, I noticed the trend and went right to veggies. Problem solved. Sort of. You're still kind of constipated, and it seems as though you have the same reaction when you have carrots. Sweet potatoes, squash and peas are ok, so that's what we give you. And that's ONLY what we give you for the time being.
I am not convinced there is an allergy there, much like Catherine. We have an appointment with an allergist, and I'm guessing that with that appointment will come some sort of weird fruit diagnosis, like Catherine's. I guess we will see.
Sleep is fleeting, and although I do NOT prefer co-sleeping, you usually end up in our bed because I have to nurse you in the middle of the night. There are about three hours every night where you will nurse every half hour to 45 minutes. It's rough. Finally, about 4:30-5:00 I move you back to your crib, and we have to wake you up to leave for daycare. It's an interesting schedule, but hopefully, not an infinite one. Because this mama needs sleep!!!
Beyond that, you have no idea how excited I am that you are starting to grow out of things. We have ditched the baby swing, the bumbo, the pack-n-play. We bought you a crib a month ago (only to have Catherine demand that she stop sleeping in hers earlier this week, so that's awesome...) and you have been sharing a room with James.
You love chasing the cat, watching your brother and sister chase each other around the house, and of course, laughing. You laugh so much, all the time, and it's awesome. It reminds me how precious children are. You, sir, are most definitely precious.
You are so easy-going, and travel well. You are always up for adventure, which makes the transition into a family of 5 so much easier than I thought it was going to be. I was paranoid, scared and really didn't want to be a family of 5, but I can't imagine it any other way. You are one of the three best things to every happen to me.
We are still nursing, and I am following your lead. We went from exclusively nursing a month ago, to now nursing about 4 times a day, and that weird three hour stint overnight. For having such issues with producing enough milk for Catherine, I sure am a cow! I don't overproduce by any means, but I am not stressed about providing enough milk for you. The other day, I was pumping at work and felt my pants getting wet - low and behold I have over pumped into the bottle, and it was spilling out the top. It was fun explaining that to the student who saw me ten minutes later and asked if I had spilled something.
So here we go. You are interested in your toys, you love your Gerber puffs, and you especially love cuddles. I am not a cuddler, but for you, little boy, I can be for a bit.
I love what you have done for our family, and I am so thankful we were blessed with you.
Sunday, July 10, 2016
5 Months!
I am sure I have said this with all three kids, but where is the time going?
eating,
We are starting to see your personality, and it's awesome. You love to sit at the table while James and Catherine are eating and laugh and laugh and laugh with them. They love making you laugh! And you have finally started to really laugh. It seems like that is our entire goal when sitting around the dinner table at night.
I began the mission a few weeks ago to get you out of our room. Honestly, I do not know how people who co-sleep do it. I want my bed, and I don't want anyone but my husband in it (more on that in a bit). At first, we were going to transition Catherine out of her crib and into the lower bunk in James' room. That backfired like you wouldn't believe. Then we took Catherine's crib into James' room and shoved it into a corner. It backfired, but in the complete opposite way from the night before. Instead of refusing to go to sleep and screwing around with the James the whole night, like on night number 1, you screamed, and screamed and screamed. The third night, we aborted mission. I'm sure the nay-sayers out there would say we didn't do it long enough, but Eric and I know our family dynamic, and that arrangement wasn't going to work, no matter how much we tried. Catherine is a creature of habit, and taking her out of her habitat was a big mistake.
Don't get me wrong, you sleeping in our room, in a pack-and-play (because, you know, I sold all my baby stuff, including an extra crib we had), was not a huge deal. In fact, in our 14x10 foot room, we have a dresser, a nightstand, a king-size bed, and your pack-n-play, and although it felt like there was something on every wall, it was not horrible. It jutted out from the wall more than our walk-in-closet built-in's, so the nightly trips to the bathroom were a little difficult in the dark, but otherwise, it was not bad. But it was high time for you to start having your own space.
Once everything backfired with Catherine and we stuck her back into her own space, all was well with the world. So we took your pack-and-play, and stuck it in a corner in James' room. So far, it has worked out well. I let you fall asleep in our bed, and then after James falls asleep, I move you to the pack-n-play. Only tonight, James is refusing to go to sleep. So I put you in there anyway, and surprisingly, James is reading books quietly while you snooze away. Thankfully! Unfortunately, because of James' room lay-out and his bunk beds, we can't fit your dresser in there. So, your dresser is in Catherine's room. Which is not a huge deal, as Catherine's dresser, which holds the changing pad, is right next to yours. Works out pretty well. I remember when I was freaking out about how we were going to arrange you kids, and now it seems like it's working out better than I imagined. And, in the end, it's not permanent. Thank God.
Speaking of sleep, it seems to be missing. Between 2-4 months, you were pretty solid in only waking up once a night to nurse, which was awesome. Once you hit four months, that quickly melted into the past and all of a sudden you were up twice a night. Not a huge deal, as I am on summer break. However, summer break is also different from maternity leave in that I now also have two other kids to watch as well. Which can be difficult when I have to nurse you and put you in your bed for naps. It was a little daunting at first, but at least I can honestly say there hasn't been a time where it doesn't work for us...
So about mid-June, you started waking ALL THE TIME. For example, last night, you ate at 7, 9, 11, 2:30, 4 and 5. Then didn't eat again until about 9 a.m. It was tough. In fact, it's been tough for about a month. Today, I was so tired when the rest of the fam-bam got up at 6:30 that I told Eric he was in charge and passed out in James' bottom bunk for two hours. I tried to take a nap, but again, that was impossible with two other little ones. I used to never nap. Now, I could fall asleep just about any time, any where. Case in point, the other night when I was nursing you, I fell asleep for about an hour and a half, from 6:30-8. Eric woke me up at 8 to ask me something. I moved you to your pack-n-play, cleaned up for the night, and came back to bed at 9. I was looking forward to a great night's sleep, but no, you had other plans.
Most times, if you are up a second or third time, I drag you into bed with me. NOW, I understand co-sleeping. I know it's dangerous, I know you could roll out of bed, or someone could roll on top of you, but holy hell, it's about the only thing that saves me. Luckily, you go right back to sleep once you're done eating. And again, nay-sayers would say you that you don't really need to eat. You just need to be rocked back to sleep. WRONG. I tried that. I tried letting you cry a bit. I tried the pacifier. No-go. You want to eat, and boy do you eat. No wonder we're into 6-9 month clothes already. You're a hefty one!
It also seems in the past month or so that you need to be nursed to sleep, which, of course, ratcheted my anxiety to sky-high levels. I was starting to read all about sleep training methods, which I have never had to use before, when the past week or so, you have started to fall asleep on your own. Most times, I do still nurse you, but you are still awake when I put you down. Or when I move you to James' room, you wake up, but are able to settle back down. I know this seems false, because of what I have written in the previous paragraph, but I do believe I have been blessed with amazing sleepers. James usually sleeps about 12 hours, Catherine sleeps 13-14 hours with a solid 2 hour nap, and you set your own, incredibly easy schedule. 9-10:30/11:00, 1:00-3:00/4:00 and occasionally a cat-nap at 6:00. If so, you go to bed about 8:00 and if not, you go to bed about 7:00. James was the same way, and when Catherine wasn't screaming, she was the same way. Now, if I could just get you to sleep through the night.... I am guessing it will come, with time. Instead of sleep training, I am just going to be patient. Like I said, when you wake up to eat, you EAT. Sometimes just one breast (I have the classic overactive let-down, so usually you can get enough to eat off one boob at a time), but sometimes both. You do the same during the day.
You are rolling back to front with ease, and have started to figure out that if you move your arms and legs at the same time, you might actually get somewhere. It's been fun to watch you try and move around the room. Rolling from front to back is possible, but seems more difficult for you to figure out, and once you do, it's not graceful at all and you don't like it. I think army crawling is in the near future. Hopefully not before we go on vacation in August! We rented a three-floor house, and hope that we don't regret not asking about baby gates.
Otherwise, you're an incredibly chill baby. You cry if you're hungry, tired, or have to poop. You are incredibly easy to read because you have set your own schedule and I just follow your cues. I thank God we were blessed with another "easy" baby, but constipation issues seem to continue to plague us. I had some bananas laying around and thought I would start you on some solid food, only to remember that bananas can lead to constipation. I give you probiotic drops every day, and that seems to help, but again, I can tell you are constipated. Nay-sayers would tell me, and HAVE told me, that breastfed babies don't get constipated. Umm, sorry, but mine do. So other than trying to help the poop along with some probiotic drops and the occasional Miralax, you are an easy baby. Thank you, Drew-boo, for that.
Your eyes are turning a beautiful deep blue. Sometimes, I look at my beauties and all their features, and tonight, I was looking at James and Catherine's eyes. James has deep blue eyes that almost look brown with his brown hair. Catherine has light blue eyes that remind me a lot of my mom's eyes. Both beautiful, but very different. You, my son, are most likely going to have the deep blue eyes of James and me. Eric also has lighter blue eyes, but still very pretty. I also have to say, you are just fricken adorable, and I love taking all my kiddos somewhere. SOMEONE always comments on one of your features. It's amazing how we created all three of you, but you're all so different.
I love you so much, boo-boo, and I can't wait to see what the next month brings!
eating,
We are starting to see your personality, and it's awesome. You love to sit at the table while James and Catherine are eating and laugh and laugh and laugh with them. They love making you laugh! And you have finally started to really laugh. It seems like that is our entire goal when sitting around the dinner table at night.
I began the mission a few weeks ago to get you out of our room. Honestly, I do not know how people who co-sleep do it. I want my bed, and I don't want anyone but my husband in it (more on that in a bit). At first, we were going to transition Catherine out of her crib and into the lower bunk in James' room. That backfired like you wouldn't believe. Then we took Catherine's crib into James' room and shoved it into a corner. It backfired, but in the complete opposite way from the night before. Instead of refusing to go to sleep and screwing around with the James the whole night, like on night number 1, you screamed, and screamed and screamed. The third night, we aborted mission. I'm sure the nay-sayers out there would say we didn't do it long enough, but Eric and I know our family dynamic, and that arrangement wasn't going to work, no matter how much we tried. Catherine is a creature of habit, and taking her out of her habitat was a big mistake.
Don't get me wrong, you sleeping in our room, in a pack-and-play (because, you know, I sold all my baby stuff, including an extra crib we had), was not a huge deal. In fact, in our 14x10 foot room, we have a dresser, a nightstand, a king-size bed, and your pack-n-play, and although it felt like there was something on every wall, it was not horrible. It jutted out from the wall more than our walk-in-closet built-in's, so the nightly trips to the bathroom were a little difficult in the dark, but otherwise, it was not bad. But it was high time for you to start having your own space.
Once everything backfired with Catherine and we stuck her back into her own space, all was well with the world. So we took your pack-and-play, and stuck it in a corner in James' room. So far, it has worked out well. I let you fall asleep in our bed, and then after James falls asleep, I move you to the pack-n-play. Only tonight, James is refusing to go to sleep. So I put you in there anyway, and surprisingly, James is reading books quietly while you snooze away. Thankfully! Unfortunately, because of James' room lay-out and his bunk beds, we can't fit your dresser in there. So, your dresser is in Catherine's room. Which is not a huge deal, as Catherine's dresser, which holds the changing pad, is right next to yours. Works out pretty well. I remember when I was freaking out about how we were going to arrange you kids, and now it seems like it's working out better than I imagined. And, in the end, it's not permanent. Thank God.
Speaking of sleep, it seems to be missing. Between 2-4 months, you were pretty solid in only waking up once a night to nurse, which was awesome. Once you hit four months, that quickly melted into the past and all of a sudden you were up twice a night. Not a huge deal, as I am on summer break. However, summer break is also different from maternity leave in that I now also have two other kids to watch as well. Which can be difficult when I have to nurse you and put you in your bed for naps. It was a little daunting at first, but at least I can honestly say there hasn't been a time where it doesn't work for us...
So about mid-June, you started waking ALL THE TIME. For example, last night, you ate at 7, 9, 11, 2:30, 4 and 5. Then didn't eat again until about 9 a.m. It was tough. In fact, it's been tough for about a month. Today, I was so tired when the rest of the fam-bam got up at 6:30 that I told Eric he was in charge and passed out in James' bottom bunk for two hours. I tried to take a nap, but again, that was impossible with two other little ones. I used to never nap. Now, I could fall asleep just about any time, any where. Case in point, the other night when I was nursing you, I fell asleep for about an hour and a half, from 6:30-8. Eric woke me up at 8 to ask me something. I moved you to your pack-n-play, cleaned up for the night, and came back to bed at 9. I was looking forward to a great night's sleep, but no, you had other plans.
Most times, if you are up a second or third time, I drag you into bed with me. NOW, I understand co-sleeping. I know it's dangerous, I know you could roll out of bed, or someone could roll on top of you, but holy hell, it's about the only thing that saves me. Luckily, you go right back to sleep once you're done eating. And again, nay-sayers would say you that you don't really need to eat. You just need to be rocked back to sleep. WRONG. I tried that. I tried letting you cry a bit. I tried the pacifier. No-go. You want to eat, and boy do you eat. No wonder we're into 6-9 month clothes already. You're a hefty one!
It also seems in the past month or so that you need to be nursed to sleep, which, of course, ratcheted my anxiety to sky-high levels. I was starting to read all about sleep training methods, which I have never had to use before, when the past week or so, you have started to fall asleep on your own. Most times, I do still nurse you, but you are still awake when I put you down. Or when I move you to James' room, you wake up, but are able to settle back down. I know this seems false, because of what I have written in the previous paragraph, but I do believe I have been blessed with amazing sleepers. James usually sleeps about 12 hours, Catherine sleeps 13-14 hours with a solid 2 hour nap, and you set your own, incredibly easy schedule. 9-10:30/11:00, 1:00-3:00/4:00 and occasionally a cat-nap at 6:00. If so, you go to bed about 8:00 and if not, you go to bed about 7:00. James was the same way, and when Catherine wasn't screaming, she was the same way. Now, if I could just get you to sleep through the night.... I am guessing it will come, with time. Instead of sleep training, I am just going to be patient. Like I said, when you wake up to eat, you EAT. Sometimes just one breast (I have the classic overactive let-down, so usually you can get enough to eat off one boob at a time), but sometimes both. You do the same during the day.
You are rolling back to front with ease, and have started to figure out that if you move your arms and legs at the same time, you might actually get somewhere. It's been fun to watch you try and move around the room. Rolling from front to back is possible, but seems more difficult for you to figure out, and once you do, it's not graceful at all and you don't like it. I think army crawling is in the near future. Hopefully not before we go on vacation in August! We rented a three-floor house, and hope that we don't regret not asking about baby gates.
Otherwise, you're an incredibly chill baby. You cry if you're hungry, tired, or have to poop. You are incredibly easy to read because you have set your own schedule and I just follow your cues. I thank God we were blessed with another "easy" baby, but constipation issues seem to continue to plague us. I had some bananas laying around and thought I would start you on some solid food, only to remember that bananas can lead to constipation. I give you probiotic drops every day, and that seems to help, but again, I can tell you are constipated. Nay-sayers would tell me, and HAVE told me, that breastfed babies don't get constipated. Umm, sorry, but mine do. So other than trying to help the poop along with some probiotic drops and the occasional Miralax, you are an easy baby. Thank you, Drew-boo, for that.
Your eyes are turning a beautiful deep blue. Sometimes, I look at my beauties and all their features, and tonight, I was looking at James and Catherine's eyes. James has deep blue eyes that almost look brown with his brown hair. Catherine has light blue eyes that remind me a lot of my mom's eyes. Both beautiful, but very different. You, my son, are most likely going to have the deep blue eyes of James and me. Eric also has lighter blue eyes, but still very pretty. I also have to say, you are just fricken adorable, and I love taking all my kiddos somewhere. SOMEONE always comments on one of your features. It's amazing how we created all three of you, but you're all so different.
I love you so much, boo-boo, and I can't wait to see what the next month brings!
Sunday, June 19, 2016
The Battle of the Bulge, Part III: Week...18?
The neighbor girl asked me today how old Drew is. I said, "...4 and a half months?" She replied, "Yeah, but how old is he? Like... how old?" So I replied, "...18 weeks?" She said. "Wow, that's really old!" I love the minds of little kids... unless they are whining or arguing. In that case, no thanks, but in this one, adorable!
So I have been on this journey for 18 weeks (or so, I am not really counting at all and frequently have to think when asked how old Drew is, or how old any of my kids are, or really what day of the week it is and yes, think I showered...
But I digress.
Yes, 18 weeks since Drew blessed our lives. However, the beginning was all about survival. Eating whatever I wanted to help with milk supply. Yoga pants and nursing tanks with the occasional bulky sweatshirt thrown over it. It was glorious.
But I will never forget stepping on that scale when I decided to get serious. I haven't really disclosed what I weigh at each of my blog check-ins, but writing my first one, I was incredibly depressed. How did my weight gain get that out of control?
Maybe it was all the extra portions, less mobility and not really giving a shit. I have lost it before, I can do it again. Hahahahahahahah, little did I know it would be this hard.
I weighed around 190 at about 8 weeks post-partum. Today I stepped on the scale and I weigh 169 post-partum. And that's not a magical, OH MY GOD I GOT PAST 170 and then tomorrow it will be back up to 171. It has been legit for a couple of days, but I didn't want to blog about it because I thought it was a fluke.
So what have I been doing? Eating healthy, playing more with my kids now that I can, y'know, MOVE and watching my portions. Oh, and breastfeeding, which can burn up to 800 calories a day. Crazy!
It's been a long road, but a road forward nonetheless.
So about 20 pounds lost in 2 1/2 months sounds a lot better 20 pounds lost in 10 weeks, but I will take it. That's about 2 pounds a week. Which is quite impressive. I have 2 more months of summer, which is another 8 weeks. Maybe I can burn off some more by the time I go back to school?
We shall see!
So I have been on this journey for 18 weeks (or so, I am not really counting at all and frequently have to think when asked how old Drew is, or how old any of my kids are, or really what day of the week it is and yes, think I showered...
But I digress.
Yes, 18 weeks since Drew blessed our lives. However, the beginning was all about survival. Eating whatever I wanted to help with milk supply. Yoga pants and nursing tanks with the occasional bulky sweatshirt thrown over it. It was glorious.
But I will never forget stepping on that scale when I decided to get serious. I haven't really disclosed what I weigh at each of my blog check-ins, but writing my first one, I was incredibly depressed. How did my weight gain get that out of control?
Maybe it was all the extra portions, less mobility and not really giving a shit. I have lost it before, I can do it again. Hahahahahahahah, little did I know it would be this hard.
I weighed around 190 at about 8 weeks post-partum. Today I stepped on the scale and I weigh 169 post-partum. And that's not a magical, OH MY GOD I GOT PAST 170 and then tomorrow it will be back up to 171. It has been legit for a couple of days, but I didn't want to blog about it because I thought it was a fluke.
So what have I been doing? Eating healthy, playing more with my kids now that I can, y'know, MOVE and watching my portions. Oh, and breastfeeding, which can burn up to 800 calories a day. Crazy!
It's been a long road, but a road forward nonetheless.
So about 20 pounds lost in 2 1/2 months sounds a lot better 20 pounds lost in 10 weeks, but I will take it. That's about 2 pounds a week. Which is quite impressive. I have 2 more months of summer, which is another 8 weeks. Maybe I can burn off some more by the time I go back to school?
We shall see!
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| On the left: About 185, and definitely sucking in. On yhe right: 169 and still going... hopefully! |
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