There are so many ways that I could start this post. But I will keep it PG...-13.
No one told me when I decided to breastfeed about a little thing called cluster feeding. So when Catherine started feeding every half hour over the course of several hours, I had to look it up to discover what it was.
I didn't have to look it up to discover it is hell. So glad that I am able to experience that here on earth.
While in the hospital, I wanted an app that would help me determine when Catherine has eaten, slept and been changed to better determine why she was fussy. I am able to look back on that app to see that the first time she ever slept through the night, a whopping eight hours straight, she was a week and a half old. I am also able to use that same app to see that the night before that whopping eight hours of sleep, she fed for four hours with a couple of 15 minute breaks. And the night after those glorious eight hours, she slept ten hours, after eating only an hour.
The cycle just got worse from there. One day I cluster fed from 3:30 p.m. until 10:30 p.m. wth an hour break. And 2 ounces of formula thrown in there.
But she can't possibly be that hungry. Yet she is.
Since the first couple of nights, she has slept anywhere from 8-12 hours every night. Trying to wake her to feed is impossible. I simply have to wait for her cues.
So here is our schedule:
Anywhere between 6-8 a.m. she wakes to feed. She will feed anywhere from 15 minutes to almost 45. Sometimes only on one breast, sometimes on both.
She will go back to sleep until almost 2:00 p.m. I have successfully gotten her to feed at 11:00ish twice in her life. Waking her is like trying to wake the dead.
So I let her sleep and to be quite frank, I get a lot of shit done. Today, I went to Target, Wal-Mart, Menards, Radio Shack, Signarama and was able to clean, organize James' clothes and do some laundry.
Usually between 1:00-2:00 p.m. she gets up to feed. She will, again, eat anywhere from 15 minutes to almost an hour.
About 4:00 p.m. is when Hell begins. Sometimes I can get her to eat for only a half hour and she's good for another hour - enough for me to get James from daycare, come home and spend time with him, give him a "special treat" (freezie pop - because I usually want one too!) and figure out what we're having for dinner.
Eric usually grills (we have a 3/4 cow and a half pig... we have a lot of meat in our deep freeze!) and I will try to join before she starts eating again or between feeds, which is only usually about 10 minutes, if even that.
Mealtime is stressful. I'm either not there, trying to console a rocking baby, or trying to breastfeed. I have stopped trying to breasfeed while eating as it just doesn't work and my food ends up getting cold. Honestly, my food ends up cold most of the time. It would be easier if I just ate cold dishes from here on out.
Then I'm stuck upstairs in our bedroom. So far, I have seen all the episodes of Pretty Little Liars, Mad Men and am halfway through Toddlers and Tiaras. Oh, and let's not forget Orange is the New Black (so good!). Obviously, we don't have a cable box in our bedroom, only a SmarTV, and I am thinking about getting a damn cable box.
Why am I upstairs, stuck in my bedroom, watching the wind blow through our treetops while dreaming, wishing, hoping that I will be able to go and enjoy the outdoors at least once that evening? Because you try breastfeeding an infant with a toddler running around, screaming, throwing balls, jumping on you, or really, just wanting to be with you. I need to be out of sight of James, so that I'm out of his mind. Otherwise, the event is incredibly stressful. So I hide out in our bedroom, reading things on the internet on my phone/tablet, or watching some pointless episode. Needless to say, I've read everything I can about clusterfeeding.
Not one person has mentioned that it can last for-e-ver. No one told me when I decided to venture this breastfeeding direction that I was going to be sitting on my ass for a good 4-6 every day, staring at my phone or at the TV and wishing I was somewhere else. NO ONE told me it was going to be this hard.
Today, I spent the majority of the afternoon in tears. Because I got the bright idea last night to try and keep her awake while she breastfeeds. I ended up with an overtired baby who all of a sudden wanted to start clusterfeeding at 1:00 p.m. Yep, that's when we started today. I was able to take a half hour break to tell Eric to order some damn pizza for dinner and get James from daycare.
Today, I cried while I stared at her in her crib. I cried while I hooked up James' noise machine because maybe she really isn't hungry. I cried while I switched laundry from the washing machine to the dryer while she cried upstairs in her crib because I seriously could not take it anymore. I thought I was going to lose my damn mind.
At one point, I tried to tell her she wasn't hungry. She was just fussy. Yes, I tried to talk my one-month-old out of clusterfeeding. Seriously...
And then, there are those stupid formula bottles the hospital sends you home with. Here, try our complimentary Enfamil. They just stare at your from your cupboard saying, "Uuuuuuuseeee meeeee...." It's like crack. I am surprised that I'm not sitting on my bed, arms wrapped around knees that are drawn to my chest, rocking back and forth, trying to talk myself out of using.
God forbid I turn into a formula user.
So now, here I am, sitting in my living room with sweet Catherine sleeping upstairs. She usually sleeps about 9 hours from when she feeds last. So if I let her sleep, she will most likely be up at 4:30 a.m. to feed. But if I wake her up to feed at say, 10:00, will I be starting a mini-cluster feed? I'm terrified. But if I let her sleep, what if she still sleeps until 8:00 a.m.? That's 12 hours without food and even I know that a one-month-old shouldn't go that long without eating. It can't be healthy.
I'm getting frustrated and tired. I'm sick of not being able to play with my little boy when he gets home from daycare. I'm sick of being up in our bedroom feeding Catherine.
I told a friend of mine today - it's a double-edged sword. Would I rather she not clusterfeed and therefore, most likely not sleep through the night? Or do I enjoy my eight hours of uninterrupted sleep?? Ugh...
I am thrilled I am breastfeeding, but no one told me it was going to be this hard. But if it is this hard now, that means it's bound to get easier, right?
I sure hope so.
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