20 Weeks!

What a week it has been, starting with the fact that...

YOU'RE A GIRL! I couldn't be more surprised if I "woke up with my head sewn to the carpet."

In talking with my brother last night, he said my sister-in-law flipped when she found out it was a girl. I replied with, "That's good, because I cried for two hours."

And I did. It was beyond shocking. And I have no idea why.

But after I've let the shock wear off, walked through half a dozen infant girls' aisles in  Younkers, JcPenney and Kohl's, I finally figured it out.

I don't know the second thing about girls. But the first thing I know is that they can be cruel. Cruel. Hateful. Hurtful. Jealous. Unkind.

Maybe that's the reason I hung out with the potheads and the boys so much in high school? Who knows. But I was at the receiving end of some of those hateful, hurtful things, and I couldn't be a more kind person. It taught me a lot, but going through it was terrible.

Eric and I had a long talk about it on the way home from our family Christmas's this morning, and he made a good point. All I have reference for is girls raised by other people. Not girls raised by us.

Excellent point. So I guess we raise her to be kind, resilient, and accepting. Which we will. I feel a lot better about those girly clothes sitting in our little girls' closet now.

In other news, it's Christmas, and I'm excited to be having a little girl. Onward to the update!

How far along? 20 weeks! And like I told Eric today, only 5 more months left of this pregnancy... I guess you could say at this point, the glass is half full...
Maternity clothes? Everything I wear is now maternity. Although regular still fit (hooray!) my abdomen is getting much harder, and it hurts when I sit down. So I try to get by with as much maternity stuff as possible. Which is pretty much 99% of the time!
Weight gain? No, because I'm sick. Again. Yes, that's right. A sinus infection has struck, causing a postnasal drip that is giving me a sore throat. Which makes it hard to enjoy any kind of food. Ugh...
Stretch marks? None! Wahoo!
Best moment this week? There were so, so many of them. Watching James opening gifts from family, our ultrasound appointment, the fact that school was cancelled on Friday due to ice, spending time with my mom, which I haven't in a long time, moving the new crib into our little girls room! But the one that takes the cake was probably walking out of Christmas Eve service last night with my family to a beautiful, fluffy snowfall. It was lovely.
Miss anything? Not feeling shiity?
Movement? Tons, and pretty consistently. Every night around 9:30 and every morning around 6:30 she's bumping away in there. And Eric got to feel her last night, on Christmas Eve.
Food cravings? Nope. Just food.
Anything make you queasy or sick? My mom made pasta for dinner one night this week and it made me sick to my stomach just looking at it. Normally, I'm a big pasta fan, but holy smokes, this was terrible. I had to get up and leave the table. Something about it just struck a no good, very bad chord with me.
Labor signs? No!
Symptoms? Probably TMI, but holy smokes my boobs are sensitive. James is climbing on anything and everything, and I get the brunt of that a lot. Today, he "landed" on my right boob and I thought it was going to pop like a balloon. I don't remember them being this sensitive when I was pregnant with James!
Belly button in or out? IN!
Linea nigra? Nothing.
Wedding ring on or off? On!
Happy or moody?  Definitely happy this week. Very nostalgic and I thought about my dad a lot. It didn't make me sad, necessarily, as I've come to accept (finally) that he's not here, but just nostalgic. I remembered a lot of fun Christmas memories with him this year, and made me wish he were here to create more with James.
Looking forward to: This week of rest and relaxation. Christmas break 2010/2011 was the same time I made all of James' nursery decor. This year, I'm hoping that I will be able to do the same for Baby Girl Engels. Cant wait to go and buy the paint (for the paintings... not the walls! Screw that, we already painted that room a long time ago!) and the flowers and lace and pearls. Can't wait to see what this little girls room will look like! And buying the crib sheets. I've decided I'm not going to get a bedding set, just some sheets. AND getting all the after-Christmas deals at Target tomorrow. Call me a nerd, but I love me a good deal. Lots to look forward to this week! :)

19 Weeks and 3 Words!

Before I get to my 19 week update, I have a few things to say.

First and foremost, I think this household is finally, finally healthy again. Minus James' snotty nose, which I think is a pretty gross sinus infection. But that's minimal considering what we've been dealing with. I'm still coughing, and coughing up the nasties, but I am actually feeling better. Cue the Hallelujah Chorus.

Secondly, James had his 18 month update... at 19 months. No big deal, bus since Eric doesn't answer to a boss, he's usually the one who takes off early and takes James to the appointments.

Eric and James got home from their appointment as I got home from school, and I was able to look at his chart they always include. Size 7 shoe, 30" tall, 34 pounds. Eric said they couldn't get a good measurement of him standing on the scale, so they laid him on the table. The same table where they measured him the first days of his life, and told us he had shrunk 2 inches. So needless to say, I was skeptical.

Then he mentioned the doctor was concerned because James should be saying at least 15 words. I laughed and said, "He does!" Well, Eric tells me that the answer he gave the doctor when she asked how many words James says was three. Three words. Then Eric looks at me and says, "Yeah, mom, dad and ball."

Ok... how about dog, cat, light off, light on, I don't know, Ella, up, down, I want up, milk, cup and all the others I can't think of off the top of my head! As the night wore on and James spoke, I just counted the words I could make. I ended with 21. Maybe next time, I'll be taking James to the doctor.... :)

How far along? 19 weeks! Almost halfway there!
Maternity clothes? Oh my, yes. Leggings, leggings and more leggings. Also, the pair of black jeans that I'm a big fan of. I'm still able to wear some of my longer pre-pregnancy sweaters, but otherwise, it's all maternity clothes!
Weight gain? Nope, don't think so! Everything is still pretty loose!
Stretch marks? No. let's hope it stays this way!
Best moment this week? This past weekend, we went Christmas shopping as a family. It was so much fun, and we had such a good time. Eric hates shopping, so the fact that he came with was a miracle.
Miss anything? My fricken brain. Baby brain sucks. Yesterday, I lost my school keys. I had no idea where they had gone. Luckily, a quick search of my car found them, but I really did not remember putting them there. It's terrible. I also miss being able to talk normal. With baby brain, I had trouble thinking of words quickly enough, or finding the verbage to explain myself. It's not fun.
Movement? Yes, lots! It's been fun and I'm starting to feel them on the outside. I can't wait for Eric to be able to feel them as well!
Food cravings? Not really. Just food in general.
Anything make you queasy or sick? Too much food that isn't good for you. I was so tired after our concert Monday night, on Tuesday I tried drinking two cans of Mountain Dew. I got sick halfway through the second. Just a gross feeling in the pit of your stomach. With all the sweets that have been in the teacher's lounge lately, combined with the fact that I'm so tired, doesn't make me a very chipper person.
Labor signs? No, thank goodness!
Symptoms? Is not being able to articulate your thoughts a symptom. Oh yes, it's called baby brain.
Belly button in or out? IN!
Linea nigra? Nothing. I wonder if this time around it won't be showing up?
Wedding ring on or off? On!
Happy or moody?  Generally happy and excited for...
Looking forward to: TOMORROW! We find out if we're having a little boy or girl! Can't wait!

18 Weeks!

Hahahahaha.... hahahahahaahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

That's me, laughing at the hope that this past week was going to be better. Don't worry, it was, exponentially...

Until Eric got the flu on Sunday night. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. And then James woke up every hour, on the hour, crying. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. And since Eric didn't feel well, I got to be the one to go and console him. Every. Hour.

Not to mention, this was an extraordinarily busy week for me and I was going to have to hit the ground running on Monday. And hit the ground running, I did. On minimal sleep.

Monday night was better - James slept through the night and Eric was feeling better, but not by much. Tuesday night was even better and by God, even though I'm still hacking away with this f-ing cough, I am coughing much more stuff up and feeling better about things. THANK GOD. Eric is feeling better, I have more energy, and James seems to be on the mend. Although he has a terribly runny nose and seems to be really stuffed up. Nothing a little saline spray and boogie wipes can't help! Let's hope we have turned a corner!


How far along? 18 weeks!
Maternity clothes? Yep, the belly definitely popped and that's all I have been wearing is maternity clothes. Gone are my regular clothes! Except my pre-preggers jeans. Somehow, those are still fitting...
Weight gain? Not that I know of. We own a scale, but I don't step on it. Ever. In fact, I think it's covered by a piece of scrap carpeting we threw to the side when placing our freezer in the back corner of our closet. I'm sure there will be some since I"m feeling better and I have my appetite back.
Stretch marks? No. I love my Bath and Body Works lotions!
Best moment this week? On Sunday, it snowed. All day. It was so pretty and I took James out for a drive in it. It was very peaceful - just me, my little man, and my little bean.
Miss anything? Honestly, I miss the feeling of being pregnant without any other kids. With James, I could sit on the couch when I got home and put my feet up. Now, I have a toddler I chase around, which makes me even more tired. Would I change it for the world? No. But I miss being able to relax my tired, pregnant body any time I want.
Movement? Yes, lots of pokes and prods and little kicks here and there. I didn't feel them so much today, but I did feel a lot of fluttering. With our luck, Baby Engels probably got the flu...
Food cravings? More like word-triggered cravings. I was watching TV the other night, and something about apple pies came on. All I could think about was how good a warm apple pie would be at that moment. Someone else mentioned french silk pie the other day and my mouth started watering. Hilarious!
Anything make you queasy or sick? No, not recently. Thank God. I'm done with that for now.
Labor signs? No, thank goodness!
Symptoms? Well... not really. Just being generally tired at the end of the day.
Belly button in or out? IN!
Linea nigra? Still nothing. So weird. I can't remember when it showed up with my last pregnancy, but it seems weird that it's not there yet...
Wedding ring on or off? On!
Happy or moody?  Generally happy and concerned for my husband's well-being. He's never sick. Ever. So when he actually is, I know it's pretty serious. We're talking about a man who walked around with a torn meniscus for two years. And the same man who broke his hand, and never went to physical therapy. Just did it on his own. Oh, and used said broken hand to work, even though he wasn't supposed to. If Eric is down for the count, he's down for awhile.
Looking forward to: DECEMBER 19TH!!!!! One short week away and we'll find out what our little bean is! And if it's a girl, that will be karma at it's finest...

19 Months!

Somehow, after two tumbles down the stairs, you have made it to 19 months. Without any broken bones, black eyes, or major injuries.

Tonight, we watched you run around the house in circles until it was time to go to bed. And even then, you still had a ton of energy. But when you crash, you crash, which is awesome.

We have been dealing with a cold for almost a month, and a cough for much longer. It's gotten better, then gotten worse, then gotten better. We had our first stint with the stomach flu, which was.... interesting. But mom-mode kicked in and even at 3 a.m., I didn't mind getting back up to wash more sheets.

You are TALKING so much! My goodness! We're starting to hear more and more "full" sentences. When I asked you where the Christmas Tree remote was (to turn on our lights) you said, "I don't know" clear as day! Then all day, I asked you where the remote was (you like to run around with it and then drop it somewhere), you kept saying "I don't know!" It's adorable and we love hearing it! You ask "Where'd it go?" if you throw something behind the couch, or Kinnick makes a beeline out of the room because he sees you're in it! You said to me, "I want up" tonight with yours arms raised so I would lift you and set you on the counter. And of course, you say, "lights off" or "lights on" depending on if they're off or on! And you talk talk talk all the time, but I can hardly understand what you are saying. It's amazing to me all the things that I can identify that come out of your mouth though! We can have actual conversations and you're starting to really understand everything we say.

You are such a helper, oh my goodness. If I didn't know better than to look a gift horse in the mouth, I would say it's slightly on the annoying side. You help me unload the dishwasher and put all the silverware and pots away. You watch as we fill up your humidifier every night and then carry it yourself to your room. I don't know how your little body carries something that weighs more than a carton of milk, but you manage. You get your milk out the fridge for me to fill your sippy cup and you put it back. You always, and I am talking 99% of the time, put your toys, or whatever else you've gotten out, away. And if you don't, it's because I forgot to ask you to do it.

We braved putting ornaments on the tree, even though everyone told us not to with a toddler, and taught you to "touch nice." And you do, if you do at all. Tonight, you took a present out from under the tree and I asked you to put it back. You did, after you showed it to me, in the exact same spot. Maybe I should stop, because like I said, I probably shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. It's just so amazing to me.

I am also going to quickly mention that you throw things away. In the trash. And i'ts awesome. Anything I ask you to throw away, you do, with glee. Usually with some sort of giggle and/or squeal. It's awesome. Diapers, kleenexes, wrappers, whatever. When we ask you to give us something, you do. It's amazing. I hope the terrible twos NEVER hit!

I took you to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, and you were approximately 34 inches and 32 pounds with your little snow boots on. So it will be interesting to see what you actually are next week at your appointment. You're a big boy, I can tell you that much!

You love love love riding in the car! On Sunday, when it was snowing all day and your daddy was snowblowing the driveway, we took his big truck out to fill up with gas and make and emergency diaper wipes/diaper run (oops!) And we just drove around, through the falling snow, somehow through the Culver's drive-thru to grab a peanut butter malt (for Baby Engels, of course), which we drove around and shared. It was an awesome moment and I loved it!

That's all. Each age seems to be my favorite age, but you are really starting to blossom into my little pal. My little man, who loves to cuddle with his mama, play with his daddy, read books, eat dinner like a big boy off a plate and with silverware and god forbid we give you anything different than what we eat.

I hate dropping you off at daycare in the mornings, but I love picking you up. Always the highlight of my day. :) I love you little man.

17 Weeks!

I thought last week was trying. Hahahahahahahahahaha...

First, I had to get through the holidays. And not just any holiday. But holidays with Eric's family. Don't get me wrong, I love the holidays, and I love Eric's family, but those are three indecisive boys with a very indecisive mother and for this agenda-driven woman, it drives me absolutely batty.

But, we made it through, unscathed and with a pretty enjoyable time.

I was so excited to get home, have a relaxing Sunday, and SLEEP on Saturday night. But James had other plans.

About midnight, he began throwing up. Yep, the stomach bug hit our little man. And it was messy. Eric and I finally got to sleep about 4 a.m. and on Sunday, we were pretty much zombies.

But I am not a nap person, and Eric had to work and get things done, so walking around like a zombie it was.

Luckily, James slept all of Sunday. But then Monday hit. I was fine at school and looking cute in one of my new maternity outfits! And then I started getting nauseous. At first, I thought it was maybe a touch of that second-trimester nausea that hits pregnant women every once in awhile. So I went and laid down in the nurse's office.

I felt a little better after about 10 minutes, so I went back to class.

Until a little while later, I had to go back to the nurse's office. I only had a couple hours of school left, teaching lessons, so I knew I had to push through. Until my principal saw me and popped his head in.

"Go home."

Sweet music to my ears. I got up and headed out and as soon as I got home, the stomach cramps started. About 4:00, I started puking like I was back in my freshman year at ISU. And then the shits started. Oh my god.

At one point, I was shitting in the toilet and puking in a trash can in front of me. At another point, I coughed (because yes, people, I still have a cough) and had to run to the bathroom so the puke coming out my nose could make it somewhere. Needless to say, there are quite a few things in our bathroom that have yet to be cleaned...

Monday night was like a delirium. I remember a couple of times waking up to the bathroom light on. Once I woke up and it was off, but our closet light was on. At one point, I woke up with my arm hanging off my bed and drool running down the side of my face.

Good thing my husband married me for my sense of humor.

Somewhere in there, I was able to call in sick for the next day. When I awoke the next morning after puking until about 4:00 a.m., I had a text message from a co-worker. It asked, "Do you have sub plans."

I think I text something back like, "Idk. Just give them study hall." I think that's what happened.

I had an OB appointment later in the afternoon, so after shitting and puking some more, I headed there. I hadn't done either in a few hours, and I could feel the stomach cramps beginning to subside, so I wasn't too worried about it. But I was so weak.

The OB appointment was less than exciting, but I could tell she was worried about me. I was worried about me too. I cried through the entire appointment until the end, when she suggested I go get some fluids.

But how the hell was I supposed to do that when I had to take care of James that night when Eric needed to work late?

Luckily, our babysitter stepped in when I went to pick him up from daycare and took care of him. Thank the Lord for small favors. I went to urgent care, since the ER would cost me a pretty penny.

Urgent Care was packed. I was miserable, hadn't showered, brushed my teeth, hair, taken off make-up from the previous day, or really changed clothes. I'm positive I had puke somewhere on my person.

I waited an hour for them to tell me they had run out of IV Fluid bags and they were sending me to Ankeny. Are you fucking serious? I wasn't about to drive another 20 minutes to sit for another hour to get fluids. So I just came home, had a little bit of soup, and went back to sleep.

Soup was the first thing that I had had in over 24 hours, and it did not sit well in my belly. The stomach cramps were back, and I was miserable until well after midnight. Again, I took a sick day and here we are. 17 weeks. Jesus, I hope this week is better.


How far along? 17 weeks!
Maternity clothes? Besides the sweats I have been in for the stomach flu, not too many. Just the regulars that I seem to be pulling out all the time.
Weight gain? This is where I was really concerned yesterday. When they weighed me at the doctor's office, I was at 7 pounds below my previous weight. Granted, I had had nothing to eat in 24 hours, but at the same time, 7 pounds is pretty significant weight loss for someone who is pregnant. I am also trying to stay more active, but I haven't seen the weight I saw at the doctor's office since I was so sick at Waukee. The OB looked at me and said, "You have been really sick, to have lost that much weight in such a short amount of time." But even watching my 7th and 8th grade concert, I noticed that I looked really trim, and at Thanksgiving, my (soon-to-be, I'm almost positive!) sister-in-law commented that I looked really good. But looking good and being mommy-rexic are two very different things, and I want to stay away from the latter.
Stretch marks? No. Still lotioning away!
Best moment this week? My OB appointment, even though I cried through the whole thing, especially when it took them forever to find the heartbeat (which was 164!). But at that appointment, we were able to schedule our ultrasound and we were able to get it before Christmas! Wahoo! So excited!!!
Miss anything? Feeling that second trimester spurt of energy. Oh, spurt of energy, where art thou?
Movement? About every night at 9:30 or so, Baby E starts making his or her movements. They are so much fun to feel!
Food cravings? Interestingly enough, last night, I had a craving for a Jimmy John's sandwich, even though I hadn't had anything to eat in over 24 hours. But that was the first thing I wanted, which I also knew, was going to be the first thing to take me back to the toilet should I have it. So I passed. But instead of the typical chicken noodle or tomato soup, I made Eric get me broccoli/cheese soup. Holy smokes. So good. I might go downstairs and make some more...
Anything make you queasy or sick? Hahahahahahaha...try the stomach flu!
Labor signs? No!
Symptoms? Between the puking, shitting, and generally feeling awful, I have no idea if I have second trimester pregnancy symptoms!
Belly button in or out? In!
Linea nigra? Still nothing yet. And tonight, I had a FLAT stomach. FLAT. Even after dinner. So I'm wondering when that will start to show. And i hope I don't get stretch marks along with it!
Wedding ring on or off? On!
Happy or moody?  Moody, tired, sad, occasionally happy, but moreso, just sick. And sick of being sick.
Looking forward to: Finally decorating our Christmas tree, being able to be a good mom to James, and most importantly, the end of the semester, which means the anatomy ultrasound! December 19th, here we come!!!

One Last Thing:
As I was typing this, ERic was laying in bed next to me, reading it as I typed. He would critique me on things, tell me about others, and make sure that I made it out like he was not the absent father, leaving his sicker-than-sick wife at home with the child. In fact, quite the opposite. On Saturday night, Eric took James duty while I cleaned up mess after mess after mess that James left in his stomach-flu wake. Without any sleep on Sunday morning, Eric worked until the wee hours of Monday morning. He slept in, but still worked all afternoon, taking a break only to take care of James after daycare while I was heaving my guts out. He took James to daycare on Tuesday morning after only a few hours of sleep, worked all day and well into the night last night. Tonight, he finally got the job done and is just now getting out of the shower. To say he has been super dad, and super husband, is an understatement. I am grateful for him, and everything he did for me during the first trimester, and all that he has done for me while I've been so sick otherwise. I am truly a lucky girl. :)

16 Weeks!

It has been a trying week, to say the least.

Thursday, I took two students to an honor choir. That night, it rained. And not just any rain, but freezing rain.

To put a damper on it even more, I had a 9 pound child come out my vagina. Things aren't the same anymore. As in, not the same. So with my debilitating cough, I had to wear maxi pads. And not just panty liners, but I'm-12-again maxi pads. Which meant I had to give up my thongs and wear real underwear. Needless to say, that in itself was uncomfortable. But let's get back to the freezing rain, shall we?

So while at this honor choir, I was trying so hard to stifle my debilitating cough during the concert, and squeeze my legs together as tight as possible so I wouldn't pee as much when I did cough, that the person sitting next to me asked me on more than one occasion if I was all right. I took over 100 "hits" off my inhaler during that concert, and still, nothing. Oh, did I mention that I was diagnosed with viral-induced asthma? That would be the reason why every year, when I contract the common cold, it becomes some horrible, debilitating cough. Because normal people will cough up the nasties, but my bronchials are so tight (like someone with asthma), that nothing will come up. So the bacteria just manifests itself and grows and gets nastier.

After the honor choir, I walk outside, thankful that I will be enjoying a three day weekend, to find that it has been raining for most of the concert. Two hours. That's a lot of ice accumulation. So in my debilitated state, with a cracked rib, I scraped the windows and prayed that the van (which I accurately described to my students as something that we had taken on an epic road trip, and this van is the aftermath of that road trip...) would get me back to Des Moines.

It did.

But when I got back to the bus barn, I had to scrape my SUV's windows. Then I had to run to Target to get more cough syrup. It was a terrible night.

Friday, I woke up feeling mildly better. Debilitating cough was still lingering, but at least my spirits were up some. I had a conference, but spent a large portion of the day in bed. Hopefully, my administration doesn't read that. Although the Wednesday prior my principal did stop me in the hallway and say, "Laura... you should be at home resting." To which I replied, "I would love to Mike, BUT I have to get your daughter ready for an honor choir." Which was true. And it was his daughter whose concert I sat through, hardly able to breathe.

Saturday, I was feeling even better yet, and my best friend stole me to go shopping. But as the day wore on and we continued to go in and out of the cold weather, my cough got worse, and I was getting more and more worn down. By the time I got home that evening, I was spent. I could hardly move to go up to bed. But, I made it and woke up Sunday even worse that I think I was the night before.

I tried to talk Eric into letting me (yes, read: letting me) go to Urgent Care, but he doesn't really believe in that type of thing. Just like my dad - just take vitamins, drink lots of fluid and rest, "you'll be fine." I had a measly 30 puffs left on my inhaler, to which I was like a crazed drug addict trying to carefully time each puff so it would last until I went to the doctor on Monday.

I cried about three or four times on Sunday, simply frustrated with the fact that I was just not getting any better. I was still peeing almost every time I coughed, I was still putting my head between my legs and cradling my cracked rib every time I coughed. I was frustrated that I couldn't be the parent to James that I want to be, and I was frustrated that I couldn't do anything but lay in bed, cough, and pee. And drink lots and lots of water.

So Monday I woke up, called into work, and made a doctor's appointment. And I was so emotionally distraught from not being back to "normal" that when it was time to leave for the appointment, I couldn't find my keys. Eric had driven my car on Sunday and has a bad habit of taking the keys out of the ignition. We don't have a spare set, so when I couldn't find them on Monday morning, I started freaking out. Simply because, I had to get to the doctor, and there was no other way I could make it there.

I found my keys and got into my car. Depressed my brake, shifted into reverse and started rolling down the driveway. Wait, that's not supposed to happen. Yes, that's right, on top of all of that, I had no brakes.

So I drove using my parking brake, and 3rd and 2nd on my drive shaft (thank God I have owned and driven 5-speeds before, otherwise I'd never know how to rev my RPM's to slow my car down). It was a hairy mile to the doctor's office (our neighborhood is within 2 miles of everything we could need, including an amusement park), but I made it and stumbled in, bawling my eyes out. I was absolutely done with it all.

The doctor really wanted to run chest x-rays to rule out pneumonia (what??) but obviously, x-rays are not safe for pregnant women. So instead, she listened intently to my breathing for awhile, looked in about every crevice on my face, and decided to instead put me on heavy-duty schedule b (as in, safe for baby), antibiotics and steroids. For my debilitating cough, she happily refilled my inhaler.

When I went to fill my prescriptions (still without brakes, mind you, which was interesting), I found out that since I'm actually not asthmatic, my insurance would not cover my inahler for another eight days. That's right. They will only cover a refill every 20 days. So they expect you to take 10 puffs per day, maximum. In the words of my doctor, "So you've been using your inhaler more than twice every four hours?" Umm, yeah.

It would be $70 to refill the inhaler without insurance. I just wasn't sick enough to justify that, so I just went with the heavy-duty steroids and antibiotics.

I started them immediately and instead of going back to bed, made a phone call to my mechanic, then took my car out to his house. In the freezing cold. Looking like hell. And coughing the entire time.

On Tuesday, I headed back to school. Everyone told me that I needed to go back home and rest, but I had several reasons why I shouldn't:

1) It was the last day before Thanksgiving break. I needed to see my kiddos before I wouldn't see them again for another 5 days. This was because 2) I hadn't seen them for five days prior to that, thanks to the honor choir, conference, and being sick on Monday. I also knew it would be an easy day because 3) there was "violent threat" made to the general K-12 student population on a bathroom wall, so over 250 of the 400 students were gone for the day. Out of the 80 students i have standing in front of me on any given day, I had about 40. And in another class, I had 10. And finally, 4) it's me. My sudden burst of energy on Monday told me I was going to school on Tuesday. Not to mention, I need all the maternity leave I can get, so I don't want to take any more sick days!!!

So there you have it. And on Tuesday, as I was sitting there feeling sorry for myself because my mechanic called and told me it would be $700 to fix my brakes, something amazing happened.

I felt Baby Engels for the first time. And while I still can't make it through a sentence without coughing, I still have to bend over and cradle my ribs when I do cough, and I still pee a little every time, to feel those movements again and know that my little bean is ok means everything. It washed away all the pity I was feeling for myself. It (almost) washed away the $700 car bill I was going to have to pay. It was lovely.

So here's to 16 weeks. Let's hope the wellness boat continues to sail!

How far along? 16 weeks!
Maternity clothes? Considering I spent most of this past week in bed, my sweats and old t-shirts have been working just fine for me. I did wear to school a non-maternity sweater and regular jeans, but at this point, what's the use? It was sort of uncomfortable.
Weight gain? I went to the doctor on Monday and they weighed me with boots and sweats and jacket on. I didn't care. And I was still under my pre-pregnancy (James) weight. Unbelievable. I have a feeling that will change with the steroids and Thanksgiving food.
Stretch marks? No. Still lathering on the lotion.
Best moment this week? It's a toss-up between actually starting to feel better and going shopping with the bestie on Saturday without our children. I loved it, even though by the end of the day I wasn't feeling so hot. BUT it was worth it and so awesome to see her. I love spending time with her and wish we could do it more often. We're just so busy with so many different things, it can be really difficult. However, when we do spend time together, it's always more meaningful because of that.
Miss anything? Again, breathing without coughing. Speaking full sentences without coughing. Just breathing normal in general.
Movement? Yes, a very definite "pop pop pop" that was absolutely Baby Engels. Super exciting!
Food cravings? Still stuffing my face with frozen fruit bars. Delicious. And they make my burning esophagus feel better. And I've been craving those Mexican roll-ups? Some peopel make them with cream cheese and AE Mexican Dip, or some use cream cheese and ranch dressing? Either way, I use the latter, and add pimentos, green and red peppers, and green onion. Delicious. I made those today for Eric and my Thanksgiving feast tomorrow, and I've already eaten two tortilla shells full of cream cheesy goodness. I can't help it, they're delicious. I can't wait to have more tomorrow.
Anything make you queasy or sick? Not really this week. More like feeling sorry for myself!
Labor signs? No!
Symptoms? Is feeling better a symptom? Thank the Lord!
Belly button in or out? In!
Linea nigra? Nope! Nothing yet!
Wedding ring on or off? On!
Happy or moody?  Very moody, but rightfully so, I'd say.
Looking forward to: Thanksgiving with my boys tomorrow. I can't wait to spend the day watching movies, and hanging out, and not have to worry about the bullshit of family that will come on Friday night/Saturday. And being able to teach next week without a cough! Hopefully, it's gone by then!

Tablet Learning

A lot of people already know I'm a teacher. And I love tricking my students into learning. I love seeing the light bulb come on when they finally understand a concept, and I love knowing that I helped them make it to that step.

I'm the same way with James.

The other night, I was walking through Target getting necessities for my family, and saw a mom with three kids. Two of which were crammed into the shopping cart, one with an iPad, the other with her phone. The third walked alongside the cart.

I'm not one to judge, and I don't have three children. I could not imagine what it would be like with three children, considering we're done after two. I do know, however, what a pain in the ass it is to bring your kid shopping to the store with you when that's the last thing they want to do.

But watching her children as she walked alongside me down the main aisle got me to thinking. One was playing some car racing game, the other a game that was similar to SIMON, if you've every played. But it got me thinking...

We have a Nexus 7. We did a ton of research into tablets (I am a research guru... a couple weeks ago, I researched glow sticks for two hours on the internet - their toxicity, how long they glow after the liquid is exposed to air etc - all so we could have glow-in-the-dark drumming at the Variety Show). We didn't want an iPad because everyone had one, we wanted a tablet that would suit our needs. I didn't want something so big that I couldn't carry it in my purse, but something big enough where I could type and do work on it if I had to.

So there you have it - the Nexus 7 it was. We got it home, opened it up, and one of the first things I did was research Apps. Not for me, but for James.

I downloaded three - a coloring app, a counting app, and a shape/numbers app. And the second thing I did was find James and introduce him to these apps.

He got pretty far on the counting app. He touched whatever was being counted (one bus, for example) and the automated voice (who is British, I believe), says, "One bus!" Then we got to two cats, three forks, four pencils... and so on and so forth.

Then we tried the shapes/numbers app. He touched whatever number he needed to and dragged it to the appropriate spot on the screen. These apps were great!      

Until James got bored of them the next night. What?! How was that possible? They were the free versions, so not that great, but James was done with them.

Then I realized it was because they were stimulating him anymore. All he had to do was press something on the screen, for every single app. I started researching more apps, and more times than not, it was simply touching, or touching and dragging. James would rather put something other than a ball in his bouncing hippo/dinosaur toy and see how it bounces, than sit and stare at a screen where all he has to do is touch it over and over and get a similar result.

Which made me think of the value of these apps. And what we're doing to our children when we actually give them to our kids. All my kid learned from those apps, was simply that he had to touch the screen in the right spot and something would happen. But more importantly, after he got bored, he learned that if he put his cars on his racetrack that Eric attached to the railing leading into the basement, the cars would make it all the way to the end, hit the wall (which has left some interesting marks on our maple trim) and bounce somewhere. But he never knew where. And then he learned that if he wanted to do it again, he had to climb down the stairs, fetch his cars, and climb back up the stairs to try and position them just so.

Tablet learning, I'm sure for some parents, is the way to go. It's a good way to distract your child and it's nice to be able to get things done while they are distracted. It's not something Eric and I have never done. But we've never done it with a tablet.

After that, I deleted the apps. James still comes after my tablet every once in awhile, just to shift the screen back and forth, but quickly loses interest when he realizes that's the only thing it does.

Maybe I haven't found the right app yet, but for me, Tablet Learning is just that. Learning to touch a screen to make something happen. Is that really what I want my toddler to be learning?        

15 Weeks!

How far along? 15 weeks!
Maternity clothes? The jeans are still working for me. But for the most part, I'm wearing leggings and dresses to work every day. Which is awesome because they are so incredibly comfortable.
Weight gain? Again, not that I know of. I think it's moreso just my belly expanding. I wore one of my concert dresses as I had a 7th and 8th grade concert last night, and it was significantly looser in the arms and bust than when I wore it last May. So I would say I'm probably still not really anything for weight gain. Not to mention I've been unbelievably sick, so I'm sure that hasn't really helped.
Stretch marks? No. My last pregnancy, I lathered my belly with Bath and Body Works lotion and last weekend, I went and stocked up (got $60 of lotion for only $30! Plus a free lotion on top!) so hopefully, that works for me again.
Best moment this week? So far, this week has actually been pretty miserable. I've been incredibly busy with school functions, so I haven't been able to take care of myself and rest like I should. So I got incredibly sick and boom, cracked rib from all the coughing. It's been pretty terrible. One bright spot in all this is that on Saturday night after the Variety Show, since Eric's mom was visiting, we went out for a late dinner at Jethro's. It was awesome to spend some one-on-one time with him and I am very thankful for little moments like that! Another bright spot? I am the proud owner of a bright red inhaler. No more coughing attacks where I can't catch my breath!
Miss anything? Breathing without coughing. Although that is slowly being replaced by coughing up phlegm. Praise Jesus.
Movement? None that I know of, but every once in awhile I'll feel a twinge and think, "Was that it??"
Food cravings? Hilariously enough, I was waltzing through Target and saw that they had FROZEN FRUIT BARS! Which isn't that funny, until you realize that this time in my pregnancy with James, that's the number one thing I was all about, all the time. Delicious, delectable frozen fruit bars. Mmm, mmmm, mmmmmm.
Anything make you queasy or sick? Tonight when I tried to eat broccoli, I thought i was going to vomit. Too much food makes me feel sick, and too much BAD food makes me feel sick. Otherwise, I'm feeling much, MUCH better than I did in the first trimester!
Labor signs? No!
Symptoms? Not a ton of heartburn this week, but nausea and feeling generally worn out, which I'm sure has something to do with the fact that I've been incredibly sick this week.
Belly button in or out? In!
Linea nigra? Nope! Nothing yet!
Wedding ring on or off? On!
Happy or moody?  Generally happy, but very very tired, so not normally as happy as I usually am. And sometimes, I can get very moody. Being exhausted on top of being exhaustingly pregnant, is... exhausting. On top of that, I can barely do anything without severe pain. So maybe moody is more like it...
Looking forward to: Getting over this stupid cold/bronchitis (which is just inflammation of the bronchials people... not as bad as it sounds), and this COUGH! And healing my fricken rib! And hopefully putting up the Christmas tree with James this weekend, unbeknownst to Eric... muahahaha...

14 Weeks!

How far along? 14 weeks
Maternity clothes? Yes, almost all the time, except for the jeans. All my clothes fit higher up on my waist and since its true that you show faster the second time, I am still good in my jeans.
Weight gain? None that I know of. A lot of my clothes are fitting quite loosely. I guess we will find out at your 16 week appointment just how well, or not well, these pizza rolls have been treating me!
Stretch marks? No.
Best moment this week? My best moment this week was Talking with parents at conferences about baby e and not having to hide my tiny bump!
Miss anything? Eric. He has been working some crazy hours, as have I. Its been one thing after another and very hard on our family. I can't wait until he is back working regular hours.
Movement? Not really this week.
Food cravings? I have been chowing down on the pizza rolls! Anything salty, which males me think we are having another boy.
Anything make you queasy or sick? Ugh... my students. Again. I have incredibly strong senses to begin with, for some freakish reason. 20/13 vision, impeccable hearing (that throws my students for a loop when someone in the back row asks their friend a question and I answer), and incredible smell. That sense of smell has been heightened and if I get too close to a student that smells bad, my gag reflex kicks in and I have to back away!
Labor signs? No!
Symptoms? Nausea, fatigue, and surprisingly, heartburn I didn't get heartburn with James until well into my third trimester, so I thought that was interesting.

Belly button in or out? In!
Linea nigra? Nope! Nothing yet!
Wedding ring on or off? On!
Happy or moody? YHappy! Stressed!
Looking forward to: Eric's mom is coming down Saturday to watch James while we are at the Variety Show. I cannot wait for her to watch him on Sunday and for both Eric and I to relax! We need it!

18 Months!

Holy moses, you are a year and a half old! How and when did that happen?

You are turning into such a little boy. You LOVE horseplay with your dad, and I think you get embarrassed when your mom tries it. You come to me more for hugs and love.

You've stopped yanking on Kinnick's tail, and instead, have been trying to give him hugs. I don't know what might be more painful for him. You love giving hugs, and think it's the greatest thing ever.

You love car rides! But only short ones. Since it's started turning colder, I pick you up from the sitter's on my way home, even though it's only three houses down. But boy, do you love sitting in the front seat, buckled in, while I putt-putt down the road three houses and back into our driveway. Most likely very illegal, but really, what's the harm? My dad took me driving in Grandma's corn field in an old beat up pick up truck. Now THAT was an adventure!

You are saying SO MANY words! I cannot believe it! You say just about everything you do or pick up. You'll pick up a stick if we walk home from the babysitter's house, and you say the word. You can say shoes, light, all gone, all done, all ready, bye mom, bye dad, and my favorite: "shit!" which is your word for sit. You can say chair, uh-oh, cat and dog. It's amazing all the words that come out of your mouth at any given time, including the one's I don't remember off the top of my head!

You are starting to run, everywhere. We have three shoes for you. Crocs with holes, which are too cold for this weather, brown leather shoes, which are dressier, and snow boots. I'm thinking we need to get you some real running shoes soon!

I keep trying to get you to understand that there is  baby in my belly, but then you just keep going after my belly button when I do. I am excited for you to meet your brother or sister and I think it will be a moment I will never forget when you do!

So, little man, happy year and a half. It's been a whirlwind. And to think it's already been two years since we made the announcement we were pregnant with YOU.

I love you little man, thank you for making my life so complete!

13 Weeks!

How far along? 13 weeks
Maternity clothes? I Don't need them but I have been wearing them anyway! They are just so comfy! I bought two pair of leggings and went back for a third color. Thank you Motherhood Maternity! I have yet to break out my maternity jeans, because all my others still work, but I can't wait for those either!
Weight gain? Well, at the doctor, I had lost 3 more pounds, so I am down to 156. Which makes my tiny bump protrude even more!
Stretch marks? No, and I hope I don't get them. I had a good time in my bikini at the pool this year. I don't want to graduate to the mom-kini because of stretch marks!
Sleep? Sleep! Except I wake up to pee every night. That's annoying!
Best moment this week? My best moment this week was telling my students. So much fun to watch their reactions!
Miss anything? Eric took me on a date to celebrate our announcement and I really wanted some wine with dinner! And I miss not feeling tired all the time. And sleeping on my stomach!
Movement? No kidding, sometimes I feel a flutter here or there! I sometimes wonder if I am just excited to feel that movement again or if its really you!
Food cravings? I bought pizza rolls for the first time in a long time and will be heating some up shortly. And oddly enough I have been craving straight water. Ice cold - delicious!
Anything make you queasy or sick? Some of my students don't smell the best...
Labor signs? No!
Symptoms? Nausea, fatigue, more nausea followed by extreme hunger!
Belly button in or out? In!
Linea nigra? Nope! Nothing yet!
Wedding ring on or off? On!
Happy or moody? Yesterday, very moody!!! Today, very emotional.
Looking forward to: getting the nursery set up...and I am always looking forward to sleep!

Oh boy, oh boy... or girl?

Thursday, September 12

Well, you're here. All .13 inches of you, packing a furious punch with nausea, fatigue and the urge to pee every second of every day!

After Eric and I had James, we knew we would want at least two children close in age. Then James grew into a toddler and that decision was staring back in our faces saying, it's tiiiiiiii-iiiiiime!

So we looked at where we are at in our lives. We have a happy, healthy baby boy, we have good jobs, Eric's business is doing relatively well, and consistently, which is important, and we are happy with our lives. So we went with it and low and behold, we got pregnant the first try. Again. For not wanting to have children for awhile, I sure do have an easy time getting pregnant! Maybe it's God showing me that things can be easy...

We found out last Friday morning and today we are officially five weeks along!

So far this pregnancy is nothing like the first. I knew the second I was pregnant, at what would be about 3 weeks or so. I felt a tingling in my breasts and looked in the mirror after my shower - boom. Bigger boobs. A few days later I started to get worn down easily and right before my missed period the nausea came. It hasn't been bad and I have been keeping it at bay with lots and lots of small snacks, but it has been touch a go...

Otherwise, I am excited to welcome Baby Engels #2 to our family. Looks like we are in for another adventure!

Sunday September 22
This pregnancy has been exactly like the last. I was doing pretty good up until about six weeks and then boom...morning sickness. It has been an intense journey and Eric has been awesome through all of it. He's been doing a lot with James. He's been cleaning the house, he's been making dinner, he's really been super dad and I am incredibly grateful to him, especially when I'm laying in bed trying to eat my granola bars without throwing up.

True to form I cannot eat anything except food that is really healthy. Tonight I had granola bars and broccoli for dinner. It was the best broccoli and granola bar that I have ever eaten. I am trying sea bands that my friend has recommended to me and those seem to help as well but it still gets pretty bad. I am anxious to see how I will hold up in front of my students for the next couple of weeks. Odds are it will prove to be interesting.

Otherwise we are just waiting for our first appointment on October 7th!

Friday, September 27 10:00 p.m.
Excuse the vulgarity, but holy shit, I just ate the most excellent sandwich I have ever concocted. And as I sat in my living room in my underwear and T-shirt, stuffing my face with this sandwich, I realized the last time I had a sandwich such as this was approximately weeks 7-9 in my pregnancy with James. Yep, still on par for this pregnancy to be right along the lines of the last one! And with my full tummy, I am off to bed!

Monday, October 7
Today we had our baby appointment. We got to hear the woosh-woosh of your tiny heartbeat, we got to see your little hands and feet moving, and because it was a vaginal ultrasound, we saw your tiny heart actually beating. That's what moved me to tears, and even though I didn't cry, it was still an incredible moment.

You're on par to be here May 14. Hopefully, I will be over my morning sickness by then. Hahaha. Last weekend, I forgot to take my pre-natal vitamins all weekend. But low and behold, I felt immensely better on Monday. However, since I took one Sunday night, I felt HORRIBLE come Tuesday. Coincidence? So I haven't been taking them. The doctor didn't seem too concerned, and like Eric always says, "People have been having babies for thousands of years." Although, I stepped on the scale at the doctor's office wearing my maternity leggings, only to find out I don't really need to be wearing them because I'm still under my pre-pregnancy weight. So I guess morning sickness has done something for me, just like it did last time! :)

My O.B. looked at James' stats and said, "8 pounds, 14.5 ounces huh? Let's not do that again, shall we?" Yeah, no kidding. Then he asked me if I had any trouble with pushing him out. I laughed. Let's just say I hope this delivery doesn't have a shift change.

All in all, I feel like shit most days. I feel like a horrible parent to James because I can't get off the couch after work, I feel like puking my guts out at any given moment, and I'm ready to see the light at the end of this first trimester tunnel. Here's to three and a half more weeks (that is, if we're on schedule with the last pregnancy)!

Tuesday, October 15
I have no idea if God (or my dad, maybe?) Took pity on me, but since Sunday afternoon, when I got a spurt of energy, I have been feeling amazing! Except for tonight. Not sure if dinner just didn't sit well or if I am not drinking enough water, but I just feel off. I have a headache and am very tired. But I am getting excited for the big "reveal" that is baby Engels #2. I am making a sequel to the video I made to announce James and can't wait to show it off! Its going to be pretty good.

I have been slowly letting people know I am pregnant. A few coworkers, my administration, the hs  secretaries. I am so excited to tell all my students - I am sure the boys will stare at me wondering how it happened and all the girls will ooh and ahh. It should be lots of fun!

Otherwise, I am just counting down the days. Here's to two more weeks!

Thursday, October 24
How on earth have we already arrive at 11 weeks? Next week we will be in the clear, but we don't have our appointment until almost 13 weeks. I don't want to wait that long to announce you, but I need to hear your heartbeat. Its more for me than anything. Luckily your dad agrees!

Morning sickness is going away! I am getting less and less bouts of debilitating illness and more and more spurts of energy. Our house is still a mess because as soon as we put James to bed, I am spent. But more spurts during the day are happening and that's awesome!

Now we are just looking forward to Halloween, your announcement and quite frankly, I can't wait to tell my students! I just can't wait for the light bulb to come on, like, "oh! That's why you were laying on the floor of your office!" Should be fun! :-)

A quarter way through our pregnancy - only 30 more weeks!

Friday, November 1
So here we are. 12 weeks. I would love to say, "We made it! I feel so much better!" But that would be a farce. In all reality I still feel pretty crappy. The waves of nausea are coming and going much less than they were at 8 weeks, but I still feel exhausted by about two o'clock every day.

In talking with our babysitter, I realized that its because I am not sitting behind a desk this pregnancy. Instead, I am "on" every day, all day. I have to be a disciplinarian, mother, teacher, coach, mentor, and colleague for eight hours every day. At any given moment, someone needs something from me. And its my job to provide those needs.

And that is hard on my body.

I am not the type of person to look lazy, or like I just got out of bed. But I am pretty sure this week I wore black pants, boots and a sweatshirt to school. Yep. I dressed like the veteran teachers who just don't give a shit anymore.

But in my defense, 12 hours of sleep is not enough, and I am tired when I wake up in the mornings. I am tired when I get home and I am tired when I go to bed. I hope it gets better!

In other news, Eric and I have our baby appointment Tuesday at 4. After that, we will go out to eat then on to the Estonian National Orchestra. Say what?! Yes, Eric bought tickets for us to attend the symphony. I cannot wait! Then, we get to upload the video I made and I cannot wait!

Here's to only FOUR MORE DAYS of keeping this all a secret...

Tuesday, November 5
All was well at the appointment today. Heard your little heartbeat again. Now its time to announce you! Can't wait to see everyone's reaction!

Temper Tantrums No More...

I cannot believe where we were last week versus where we are today. You no longer throw your food at the dinner table and when you are finished, you give us whatever food is left and usually say, "all done!"

We have not seen a temper tantrum since last Thursday. Not even really a whimper. You are paying more attention to things we say and I can't believe the things you are able to understand. Our babysitter says you are very smart and even though I really believe all children excel, at this point, with one thing or another, I am beginning to think you are smart!

You love getting stickers and seem to be so proud of most things you are able to do, or show us. Like putting your sippy cup away, putting things away when we ask, and you can blow your nose. When did that happen?

You are such a more joyous little boy now, and it has been incredibly fun.

The Awesome Side to Parenting

What a difference a little stern parenting and 24 hours can make.

You did not cry when I picked you up from daycare and you came home with me willingly. You went on a short walk with your dad, and ride nicely in the wagon.

You ate dinner like a champ. You played after dinner like a champ. When you got your stocker for your "good job" at dinner and tried to eat it, you didn't cry when I took it away and said no. I gave you another stocker and you stuck it on your board with a big ole smile!

When you wanted to go outside after dinner and I told you no, you whined. Until I told you no whining and then you stopped.

When we went to Menards to buy a new toilet, I gave you such a stern talking to that the words, "you will sit in the cart, and you will not cry when you cannot push the cart'" actually made you whimper with a pouty lip.

And behold, you were an angel, which warranted another sticker when we got home, which you were more than happy to put on your board!

I guess I just needed to take back that control. We will see how the rest of the week and this weekend will go!

The Ugly Side to Parenting

Last week, it was like you flipped a little switch and decided the best way to voice your frustrations was through temper tantrums and they have escalated since. Last night you ran through the aisles of Target screaming. Tonight, you were in such a state of hysteria that you actually exhausted yourself in your timeout corner and fell asleep. I took you upstairs, tucked you in, said our prayers and you fell asleep. No bath, no diaper change (you had one an hour before) and no music.

Tonight, my son challenged me to a battle of wills, and I decided for the both of us, and for future benefit, that I was going to win.

It all started when you wanted to go out in the garage to be with your dad. You see, your dad is your bestie, and quite frankly, I am a distant second. A very distant second. So you went out and were playing, and somehow your dad thought it was a good idea that you push your stroller around in the garage. Good thinking at the time, as it was going to keep you busy. But when you push things, you go hard and fast and when you couldn't do that, you immediately got frustrated.

Combine that with the fact that your bedtime was in 45 minutes and the outcome was one of the biggest tantrums I have ever seen.

Most opp laces tell you to ignore tantrums. But our babysitter, who I very much respect, said there's another way to nip it in the bud even faster. What?! Sign me up!

Its called telling your kid to man up and quit being a baby. Week, in over nice, mommy lingo.

So after ignoring him for about 5 minutes, I proceeded to grab him by him arms, look him in the face and say "I know you're frustrated, but the way to behave. Let's go sit in timeout until you can calm down."

That is where the battle of wills ensued. We sat on the bottom platform of our staircase and he writhed and screamed and hicupped and got snot all over the carpet.

And I won. After almost 20 agonizing minutes of saying to him that I knew he was frustrated but this was no way to behave while rubbing his back (in between grabbing him as he made a beeline for the stairs) he calmed down. And promptly fell asleep.

So I took him upstairs, hauling this 30 pound ball of anger in my arms and put him in his crib. I rubbed his head, tucked him in, did our nightly ritual and left.

And then I cried.

This is exhausting. Its hard, it makes me feel like a terrible parent. But its what's best for our family. Yes, my life is all about what James needs. But not what he wants. And he needs to understand that to be frustrated is OK. But to be out of control is not.

So I guess this is the ugly side of parenting. But I will take it, because at the end of this ugliness, there is still my sweet, sweet baby boy.

17 months!

Right now, you are in the basement throwing a colossal fit. You have been for the past 5 minutes. I figure that you'll probably be down there for another 5 minutes or so, so I've got time for your 17 month stats.

You are the king of colossal temper tantrums. I'm not sure exactly when, or how, that happened, as I pride myself (and Eric) in being one-time parents. You throw your food on the floor, it's a time-out. You don't want to do something we need to do (because, let's face it, it's not about what we want to do anymore), we won't put up with it. Maybe this is the terrible two's that we have heard so much about?

(I just checked on you, you're lying at the foot of the stairs, on your back, arms and legs spread, crying. You're fine.)

You had a double ear infection earlier this week, which was hell on your dad and I. I finally took you to the doctor on Wednesday and you weighed 29 pounds and were 32" tall! Long and lean, holy smokes.

Everything with four legs is a "dog" and whenever we announce it's "BATH TIME!" you happily run after us, up the stairs, saying "bath! bath! bath!" Although it sounds more like "bat! bat! bat!" If there's one thing you absolutely love, it's baths.

(Just checked again, you're standing at the foot of the stairs, head on the second tread, still crying. I tried to coax you upstairs, but you ran away and out of sight. Not sure why I'm the bad guy here...)

You are starting to get very picky about your food. You don't like eating things two nights in a row, and it seems as though your palate is getting smaller. But good lord you LOVE french fries. It must have been all the salty foods I ingested when I was pregnant with you.

(You've  made your way up the stairs, but you're still crying. You're relentless.)

Outside is the place to be, which terrifies me to think what will happen when the cold weather hits and you can no longer play outside. You love pushing your wagon, rather than riding in it, and you're very particular about where it needs to go. You are very good at sticking to the sidewalks, which I think I can attribute to daycare (thanks Christy)! But you aren't so good at riding in the wagon. It's an anomaly, but I just go with it.

(You have finally made it to me, stopped crying, and want to type on the keyboard. So, because I love you, I'm going to let you. The last time you touched daddy's computer, you turned the screen 90 degrees adn we had a heck of a time getting it back, but hopefully this time, it won't be so bad... below will be your scribblings.)

You are growing so quickly - out of the 12 month, into the 18 month, and for some of the clothes, out of the 18 month and into the 2T. I bought you a little Columbia fleece, size 2T and it fits you perfect! Which worries me because I want it to fit you next spring! But your dad already ripped the tags off and it's got a nice sprinkling of applesauce (as does the interior of my car) on it, so I guess taking it back is out of the question.

You're starting to really understand the world around you and how things work. Like when I leave you in the basement to throw your temper tantrum, I really am not going to come and get you. You have to make your way upstairs because I am not going to raise a whiner or a fit-thrower. I have seen too many people too many times put up with it, and I will not.

So with your whining, that is happening right now, I'm going to put you to bed, as I think you're tired, run-down from the cold you've developed and getting rid of your ear infection, and quite frankly, I'm exhausted as well. I love you little man, and thank you for making me realize I have a wealth of patience!


My Temper Tantrum, by James Thomas Engels.
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16 Months!

Holy cow, where is the time going?

You are 16 months, and we are beginning to understand each other more than I thought possible. Just the other day, I asked you to pick up your cup and set it on the table. You did.

You get your shoes when we ask. You go to the door when we say the word "outside." Which may or may not be relative to the fact that we are going outside, or if I just ask your dad, "Did you take that outside?" Big mistake. We're going to have to become those parents that spell everything.

In turn, you tell us when you want to go "owsigh." You grab your shoes and hand them to us, letting us know that, indeed, it is time to go outside. Even tonight when it was 95 degrees outside (on September 9, really?). You grab things and say, "Hee-uh-go" (here you go), and the other night when you were extremely mad with your mother for not getting your way, you said, "Wan dad." Yeah, I know you wanted your dad, but your dad was busy and I was all there was left.

You are adorable at dinner, when you laugh and laugh and laugh at absolutely nothing. You try to burp, you use your fork, you love eating with us.

You can run run run and never lose steam. I lose steam after the first block, but you walked all the way to the park, which is about a quarter mile. Holy smokes! Your little legs can book it!

You are talking so much, and it's so fun to hear you try and form sentences and tell us things. You are getting so big, so much so it's hard to pick you up!

You give me a run for my money as a mom, and just when I am starting to feel like I simply cannot do anything right, you come and give me a hug, or share a cracker with me, or want to cuddle.

I love you little man. More than you know!

15 Months!

Last Sunday marked your 15 month birthday and holy cow, you're a big one! Your daddy took you to the doctor and you are officially in the 96th percentile for weight at 28 pounds, and the 61st percentile for height at 31 1/2 inches. I have qualms about the way they measure you, especially because the first time they did so, a week after you were born, your measurements told us you shrank... by two inches! So I always wonder about Miss Nurse's measuring skills when we visit. But my own measurements mark you at 32 1/2, so maybe we can say you're a happy 32 inches?? Either way, you're a bruiser. And you act like one too!

You are always running places and can't ever seem to stand still. This reminds me so much of myself. But you sleep like the dead, which reminds me so much of your dad. You have your mom's hyper-focus when you're concentrated on a task, but you have your dad's mischievous gleam in your eye that tells me you're about to do something really naughty. Which usually turns out not to be that naughty, but I'm always wondering how far you're willing to go.

When we say no, you have learned that we mean no. You know that mom has the big, loud voice when you are touching the burners on the stove, and you know that dad has the pushover voice that doesn't change when you run out into the street. Haha. But seriously, Eric needs to work on the formance in his voice.

You love to throw things off your food tray, and it kills me. We have given up until a few nights ago, when we started to ask you "All done?" in sign language about every bite. When you weren't "all done" you pointed to the dish that held the food we were giving you. When you were all done, you smiled and nodded!!! It was incredible to watch and thus far, our dinners have been much more pleasant.

You are starting to become fascinated by books, which warms my heart! I love reading and I hope that you will learn to love it too! You love your big picture books, or your touch-and-feel books. The other night, you took your book and set it down across the room. I then asked you to pick up your book. Normally, when I ask you to pick up your milk, or your toy, you do right away. When we asked you to go pet Kinnick, you did. When you close the door you do. But you didn't go get the book, and it dawned on me that you don't know what a "book" is!!! Hilarious! So we're working on that.

You are breaking out new words every day. "Kinnick" is "kit." Dad and mom are staples now, and usually in that order, which breaks my heart slightly. You say "dat" and "dis" for that and this. You point and try to say things. I try to talk to you like a little human being as much as possible, and the dr. said you are doing just fine developmentally.

In the last month, you had FOUR teeth pop through, and I can see two more bottom eye teeth coming in. Poor guy. We gave you homemade waffles, which the batter held one lone egg and you didn't have a reaction. So I think I feel better about the allergy and I hope you're growing out of it.

You are the most fun in the morning, and I love waking up to your squeals. You are a happy, funny, silly little boy and I love that you are learning so quickly. Like the other night, you learned that if you walk around teh tree, the bark covers the whole thing. And you walked and walked and walked around that tree, and then your dad and I laughed and laughed and laughed when you finally straightened out and couldn't, for the life of you, keep your balance! HILARIOUS to watch!!!!

I love you so much, I never even knew it was possible.

(In other news, it's my dear friends' due date today. Dad, please watch out for her and I hope Sydney makes a speedy, safe entry into this world. Induction is Thursday if she doesn't show her head by then!!)

Rock Bottom

PTSD is born from fear. It's natural for people to feel the "fight-or-flight" response when faced with fear. In people with PTSD, that "fight-or-flight" response is changed, or damaged, and essentially, becomes simply,"flight." In a lot of cases, "flight" during PTSD episodes is simply dissociating.

You don't know when you've hit rock bottom, until you've seen rock bottom in hindsight. In my case, rock bottom was October 15, 2010. I had had several dissociation episodes at school, and after a horrible meeting with a counselor that worked for my school, I remember calling my best friend. I couldn't stop shaking, crying, or getting "out of my head," so-to-speak. I can't remember what I said, but I can't imagine it was a great conversation. When I got home from school that day, I relayed my day to Eric, again, shaking, crying, and essentially, feeling like I was losing my mind. In hindsight, on October 15, I had already lost my mind. I had lost it to PTSD.

I don't remember the conversations I had later that day, I don't remember what I did. But I will never forget the intense fear that I felt. I couldn't stop my mind from racing, I couldn't stop moving about my house, and I couldn't focus on any one task. I just wandered aimlessly, crying, shaking, and wondering if maybe someone should take me to hospital. To say I was emotionally distraught would be an understatement.

I felt like I was staring at the shambles that was my life. I once was confident, I once was excited about teaching, I once was a person people wanted to be around. With PTSD, you don't succumb to fear. Instead, fear envelopes you. It's not a shallow fear, it's a deep-seeded terror that you absolutely, cannot escape.

I don't remember if I ate dinner that night. But I do remember after dinner, there was a knock on my door. Sitting on the couch, my anxiety was sky-high, and that knock sent me running into the kitchen. I remember looking in at myself - my eyes red from crying all day, my clothes hanging off me because I had lost so much weight. My hair a mess from dragging my fingers through it all day and my make-up long gone. I stood in the kitchen, hiding from the front door, terrified of what that knock would bring.

I remember hearing Eric let someone in as I stood huddled against the kitchen cabinets, hands cupped around my mouth and nose, breath held. Who was it who was it who was it?  When my best friend rounded the corner to my kitchen, I remember losing it. I sighed out a huge breath and instantly began convulsing with sobs that wracked my body. She carried a basket of goodies, like bubbles for a soothing bath, and a mug with a smurf on it that said, "I Love ME."

I think in that instant, when she saw me, she knew that no basket was going to fix what was going on in my head. So she hugged me, and held me, and told me I was ok. She had driven 45 minutes on a Tuesday night, to simply make me feel better. But the basket, the hugs, the pats on the back, wasn't enough ammunition for the war I was waging in my head.

I was able to calm down enough to talk to her. I don't remember what we talked about, but I remember she didn't stay long. Sometimes, I wonder if it's because what she saw scared her. It scared me.

When she left, Eric and I talked about going to the hospital. I felt like I was losing my mind. Instead, I called into work, sick, for the next morning, and told myself, and Eric, I was going to make an appointment with the family doctor the next morning.

I cried throughout the night, barely slept, and the next morning, made that appointment. I truly believe that appointment is what saved me. When I finally met with the doctor, I remember telling him that I thought something was wrong with me. Something was very, very wrong with me. I remember him probing me with questions, and I remember finally telling him everything that was going on. I started from the beginning, gave him the Reader's Digest version, and he patted me on the knee. He told me he'd be right back, and from there, left me, curled up on the exam table, still crying. When he came back, his exact words were, "We're going to get you in to see someone who will be in your corner." And with that, he made an appointment for me to see a psychologist across town, and filled a prescription for what a friend jokingly calls, "Little Blue Crazy Pills."

In hindsight, that was the worse day of my life. People will say the day they lose a loved one, the day they lose a job, the day they lose a pet is the worse day of their life. But the worse day of my life was the day I felt like I could not get away from the immense fear I felt. It was overpowering, more-so than the grief I felt the day my dad died, and the days thereafter.

After several appointments with the psychologist, psychiatrist, and a lot of more Little Blue Crazy Pills, it was determined that my fear stemmed from self-fulfilled prophecy. If someone tells you something enough times, you begin to believe it. For three years, I had been told I was a horrible teacher, a horrible person, and I should leave. And I began to believe it. From there, that thought bubble grew until it was consuming my entire world and all thought processes.

My psychiatrist wrote on a piece of paper, "This situation does not define me as a teacher or a human being." I took that piece of paper and copied the mantra on post-it notes. Bright orange post-it notes that adorned any place I would look in my house. On the mirror in the bathroom, by the closet where I dressed in the morning, at the bottom of the stairs, and tucked safely inside my wallet.

As time went on, as I was exonerated, and as I began to take down the beasts that had taken root in my mind, those orange post-it notes began to lose their stickiness. As they fell, one by one, off the mirror, wall, door, steering wheel, and anywhere else I had posted them, so did the monsters that lived inside my head.

The mind is a powerful thing, in the fact that even after fear had enveloped it, it was able to bounce back. My confidence returned, my personality returned, and a love for life returned.

In hindsight, October 15 was rock bottom. But with rock bottom comes another direction, and really, the only direction.

Up.

Unbreakable

The word unbreakable means a lot of things to me. Unbreakable means I survived my dad's death. Unbreakable means I survived my four years of teaching hell and I'm back in the classroom, doing what I absolutely love, and back to myself as a human being. Unbreakable means that my relationship with Eric is that strong, after everything that we've been through (that story is for another day). Unbreakable means that I can birth a 9 pound baby, who has truly completed me as a person. Unbreakable means that with the weight of the world on my shoulders, I made it. I made it. If I could describe myself in one word, it would be unbreakable.

Just getting a tattoo after all this time is a reminder of the conversation my dad and I had about getting a tattoo after I turned 18, when he thought a doodle on my foot really was a tattoo. The placement of this tattoo represents that fact that with the weight of the world on my shoulders, I have survived. The placement of this tattoo on the left side is the same side as my heart, which my little boy stole, and my dad's memories are tucked deep inside. The word itself is a representation of everything I have been through. And most importantly, the font, which is my dad's handwriting, is representative that my dad is always with me.

I know, that with this tattoo, I truly am unbreakable.

14 Months!

You are getting to be quite the little ham. You love making people laugh, and do it for me on a regularly basis. The other night you farted, and immediately after, you burped, sending you into a fit of giggles. Don't worry, I laughed too. It was pretty hilarious.

You are walking so much faster and better now! I would say it's a light jog on most days, but to you, it's probably just a brisk walk. You are talking so much more. There are so many things you say consistently, I just have no idea what they are.

I'm pretty sure I have narrowed down "mom mom" and "dad." You love saying "I do!" and "Achoo!" You also say "this" and "that" probably because we say it all the time. Although it comes out as "dis" and "dat" I know you learned it from your good ole' mom and dad always saying, "Do you want this?" or "Can i have that?" You can say ball, but I'm not sure you know what you're saying. I can point to nearly anything and you go fetch it and bring it right back. Usually, when I stick my hand out and say, "Can I have that?" Aha, just typing that confirmed the aforementioned! I'll have to work on that! You say "na-na" for snack, or really anytime you're hungry, that's your word. "Na-na" means "You better have food ready for me in 10 seconds, or I'll start to scream."

You are obsessed with wheels. You don't ride in the cozy coupe, you push it around. I gave up the thought of buying you a tricycle as I know you'll just push it around. You push around Mr. Lion. You push around chairs, even though they don't have wheels. As long as they move, you're usually happy. You can blow us kisses, which is the sweetest thing. You love giving high-five's, and when you aren't getting something, you throw your arms and hands in a downward motion to hit your stomach. It honestly looks like it hurts and I usually just keep letting you carry on, since I'm not the type of mom to cave. Sorry buddy!

You are the most fun in the mornings. You love love LOVE it when we knock on the door and then come in to surprise you. You always breathe harder and faster when you get excited and it's hilarious!

You play so well on your own. You're so easy to manage, 99% of the time. And when you're not, it's either because you're tired or hungry.

You most definitely know the meaning of no, especially when I use my special "mom" voice that has a lot of resonance and carries very far. I have only ever used it when you go for the burner knobs on the stove. That usually stops you in your tracks, and you figure out something else to do very quickly.

You love love LOVE taking utensils out of the drawers. Holy lord, on any given knight, we have a cheese slicer, pizza cutter and spatula adorning our kitchen floor. And usually, I don't pick it up until the next morning because I"m too tired. You love the magnets on the fridge - especially if you can get them off the fridge by brushing them with your hands. I've moved all the magnets above your little reach. Again, sorry buddy.

You love to flush the toilet, which is hilarious. We've trained you to flush the toilet only after we go to the bathroom. You love watching the toilet paper go down the hole! Then we've trained you to close the lid (good thinking mommy, that will come in handy later!) and you clap for yourself when we say, "Good job, James!" Then we turn off the light when we walk out and usually close the door so you're not in there the entire afternoon or morning flushing the toilet.

You're so hilarious. I thought when you were just a tiny baby that that was my favorite age. But this by far outweighs that. I love watching you discover things, and I love watching you problem solve. You are such a good problem solver! Tonight, I watched you duck under the table to get around an obstacle that was created by your baby pool, which was folded against the side of the house. Genius.

You have no interest in watching TV. If you do, it's because there are brightly moving objects on the screen. It's because you love the outdoors that you don't like TV and for that, I am one thankful mama. Too many kids sit in front of the TV. Outside is where you want to be, which makes me scared for what the winter months will bring.

"Redirection" for you is non-existent. When you want something, or want to do something, you are hard-headed like your mama. If you want to go up the stairs, then by God, we are going upstairs. When you want to come down, we are coming down. makes it hard for us to get things done, but it's a work in progress.

When we put you in your crib, it's lights out for you. Not that I have any comparison what-so-ever, but you are one of the easiest babies to put down. When you're tired, you rub your eyes, flick your ears, and generally like to snuggle. It's a sure sign that someone's ready for a nap, or bedtime, and we listen. It's a smooth process and for that, I'll be eternally grateful.

You don't smile very much when we're taking your picture. You used to love your picture being taken, and smile so big for us, but that has gone away. We have to try to make you smile, which isn't always the easiest thing to do. Certainly not like putting you down for a nap!

A couple weeks ago, we had an appointment for an allergist. When you were 6 months old, we fed you eggs. You ended up making choking noises, then threw up not even 5 minutes after. Everywhere on your body were red splotches, where the puke had landed. It was about that time that you started having some pretty bad eczema outbreaks on your back and the tops of your arms. Sometimes on your neck and on your chest too, but it was pretty much confined to the aforementioned spaces.

A few months later, the babysitter gave you scrambled eggs, and the same thing happened. We decided that you just didn't like eggs? We had no idea. But after doing a few google searches on eczema, I realized that the words "egg allergy" were a direct correlation in some babies. Could it have been that way for you too?

So at your one year appointment, our doctor reluctantly made an appointment at an allergist after we told her we thought you might have an egg allergy. So off to the allergist we went.

She began the appointment by asking, "What makes you think he has an egg allergy?" Needless to say, I wasn't very thrilled that's how the appointment started, but I explained my hypothesis and thought it would be good to get him checked out.

They did the skin prick test, and with seconds, the spots with egg white and egg yolk began to puff up and get swollen. It looked like little bug bites. When the nurse came in halfway through the waiting period, the redness was beginning to spread.

I felt validated as a mom and really wanted to put my hands on my head and say "Na-na-na-na-na-naaaa!" But refrained.

After the feeling of validity went away, I was terrified. Oh my God, you have an egg allergy. Egg is in everything. The terror that I felt at that moment was 10 fold the moment that they stuck a little needle in your arm to draw blood.

But no blood came out. they tried the other arm, your hands, your leg. Nothing. I had to wait with you, screaming, while we waited for the life-flight nurses in the hospital to come and draw it out of your foot. It was terrifying and I felt helpless. One of the worst feelings in my life.

Once the blood work came in, we discovered your allergy is a 2 on a 0-6 scale, 6 being life-threatening and 0 being no allergy present. They asked if I wanted to make another appointment in 3 months to get you re-tested and see where you were at. Hmmm, see if you have gone from a 2 to a 1, or even just remained at a 2, or sit for another 45 minutes while they poke and prod you, and you go from screaming to whimpering because you're so tired from screaming? I'll pass, thanks. I'll do my own allergy testing at home, first with baked goods, since those are a big no-no for three months, and then again with actual scrambled eggs if that helps.

I have noticed that since we are watching what we give you, and making sure there is no egg in it, your eczema has completely cleared up. Amazing.

I love you, little man. Even in your most frustrating moments, you have my heart.

The Investigation: The Truth Shall Set You Free

Being accused of something in real life is terrifying. Usually, if you're accused of something in real life, it's something that will take a lot of evidence to convict you. However, in order to be convicted, you usually have to stand trial, and in order to even go to trial, there has to be enough evidence to support the case.

It's really not any different in a public school system, which for a lot of students, is nothing like real life.

An accusation can damage a teacher's reputation for the rest of their career, even if the accusations aren't even credible. I can think of three colleagues off the top of my head who have resigned from their careers simply because of accusations, which usually turned out to be so outlandishly false, that it almost made the situation laughable. But it isn't laughable.

On July 22, 2009, I got a phone call from my administrator, asking me to come in to school and talk to him. So I went.

My dad had died only 5 months earlier. If you've ever gone through the grieving process, or you've read this blog, Month 5 was hard. It was the month where I was resenting my brothers for not living closer and being able to be there for my mom. Month 5 was the month that I was grieving the loss of my dad so heavily, my marriage was rocky, my eyes were constantly swollen from crying, and I was beginning to think there wasn't any way off the bottom of this murky pool of tears.

So I went to school as soon as I could and spoke with my administrator. He told me the version he had heard of the Target incident (he was sorry, he said), asked me for my version, asked me a few questions, I replied to them the best I could, and then proceeded to fold his hands together and lean forward at his desk.

"Laura, these accusations are either so crazy, they're true, or so crazy, they're not true. The school district will be launching an investigation to figure that out."

The word "launch," by definition, means to "send forth, catapult, or release, as a self-propelled vehicle or weapon." The word "launch" catapulted me into a panic attack, right there in my administrators office.

I was told I would be questioned by the associate superintendent a week from that day. I was to wait, 7 days, suspended in a constant state of anxiety. It was like that moment had "launched" me into suspended animation.

Day 1: hysteria. getting my facts straight. reviewing documentation
Day 2: calmer. reviewing documentation. taking moments for myself.
Day 3: back to hysteria. crying. reviewing documentation.
Day 4: complete calm washed over me and my life moved faster than it had days 1, 2, and 3.
Day 5: hysteria. crying. more hysterics.
Day 6: complete panic. reviewing documentation. fight with Eric.

Day 7 came, and I dressed in what I thought was one of my more professional looking outfits. Pointed-toe, black high heels, black dress pants, teal sweater, black long necklace, matching black earings. I wonder if my subconscious thought I was, instead, headed to a funeral.

I met my union representative outside the district office. She told me to keep my answers short, but honest.
In all, there were 27 questions. Questions about whether or not I would make gay jokes in class (no). Did I threaten this student in any way (no). Did I ever tell her she wasn't good enough (no). Did I do this, that, the other things during class, after class, out in the hall, during lunch (no).

At the end, the associate superintendent asked me, "Is there anything you want to say?" Yes.

Did you know she had sat outside my house at night? Did you know she had said things to people who had come into my classroom to observe me? Derogatory, hurtful, leading things that would make those individuals believe I might actually be a bad person? Did you know she wrote me letters, telling me what a horrible person I was? Did you know that I can't even go into Target anymore because she works there? Did you know she has said things to other students, who have then told me what's going on? AND I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THIS! Did you know she doesn't try in class, but that I'm forced to give her an A anyway because God forbid this leads to anything about discrimination? Did you know I've asked the administration to remove her from my classroom and they didn't for an entire year?! Did you know my administration have made jokes about this to my face? Did you know my administration TOLD ME they were going to remove her from my class, tell her and her parents, and when I double checked with them later that day, they told me IT HAD BEEN DONE? DID YOU KNOW THAT THEY ACTUALLY DIDN'T DO THAT??? That's why I'm here. THAT'S WHY THIS IS HAPPENING. 

But I didn't say anything like that. Instead, I said, "I haven't done anything wrong."

I cried when I got out to the car. I came home and cried some more. I was exhausted. I was thoroughly, and completely, exhausted. And then it was done. Just as slowly as my life had suspended itself in those 7 days, it all of a sudden caught up to that moment in time, sitting in my driveway, with my head against my steering wheel, crying.

And just like that, it was done. Again. Or so I thought.